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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, brand new member to the forums. Joined about 3 minutes ago as I type this.

As the title suggests, I'm looking for help. Now I'm nearly certain that someone out there is thinking "Well, do a Google search then?" but that's what I did and I had no luck. I couldn't find a site that was close enough to my situation to help, so I was hoping there was someone on here that was able to give me a hand, possibly someone who's been in my situation before and could lend a helping hand.

FYI: This is going to get very personal, I don't usually enjoy talking about this so if someone responds negatively about this next bit, I apologise if I respond to you bitterly. It axes me everytime I talk about this.

In order to understand why I need help, you need to understand the story behind it all. My story starts back in Grade 3. There was a new boy starting at my school that year that seemed decent enough. In the first 6 months of being around him, everything was fine. No dramas. But later in the year, he began making sly(?) remarks about me being overweight. I didn't think too much of it because this was the first time someone had done this to me. Over the next 1.5-2 years, it began to get worse. He'd sit next to me in class SPECIFICALLY to tease me. I'd gone to teachers asking for them to help, all he got was a slap on the wrist. Being in the age of the internet, I did a search, asking how to deal with bullies. The site I believed the most said to be happy and pleasant to him and to others. All this got me was more laughing for being gay because apparently I was "too friendly" to him. This sort of destroyed my good, happy, pleasant side. In Grade 5-6, I was one of the most aggresive, pissed off kids I know to date. This is because I thought maybe fighting fire with fire would work. I was harassed by him and his 2 new mates (who had joined in Grade 4 and 5) for being "over dramatic and emotional" so that ruined my unhappy side. I had basically become a blank-slate, emotion wise. In Grade 7 the original bully thankfully left along with 1 of his mates. The on that stayed unleashed hell. Eventually reaching the point where he sexually harassed me. Even though past experience with teachers had done nothing for my situations, I went to the principal. He was removed from school. You'd think I'd be over the moon because the 3 people who destroyed my ability to feel emotions were gone. But I didn't care. At all. I didn't smile when I found out, I wasn't overly happy, or sad, to see them go. I had basically lost my ability to feel emotions because of them.

I've also lost my ability to trust anyone. I have to think over and over about every action I make. I can't just wear anything in public, it's gotta be something loose but something that won't make me look fat, because I'm scared(?) of being judged or laughed at again. I'm too scared to get a girlfriend because I'm scared of a) people judging her for dating me and b) her judging me for asking her on a date. I'm too scared to even talk to girls because alot of girls at my school laugh at me and I don't want girls laughing at me in public. I want to find a girl that I can go steady with, I want to be comfortable in public and not be scared of being judged, I want to be that cool friend that everyone loves to hang out with.

Instead, I'm scared ****less of trying to find a girlfriend, I'm scared ****less of being judged and I'm so paranoid about everyone that I alienate all but my closest friends. I'm too scared of even putting a profile pic or post on Facebook out of fear of being laughed at.

I'm practically begging for help here.

TL;DR: I'm basically a blank slate with emotions, scared to find a GF, scared of being judged. Help me please.

(Excuse my spelling mistakes, I'm writing this on my iPhone.)

3,564 Posts
I don't think anyone here can give you a list of specific things to do to help you solve your problems and live happily ever after. I'm sure you know that already, but I just had to say that as a disclaimer. Most of us have problems similar to this and are searching for ways to deal with it every day to make it easier, if we knew how to get out of it we probably wouldn't be here :stu.

I think therapy would be a good start. Generic, vague, typical answer I know, but it worked for me. I'm not "cured" by any means, but I'm on the right track and have made significant improvements in my anxiety. I attribute a lot of my good fortune to my positive attitude and my therapist helping change how I look at social situations.

What I did that helped me a lot was I challenged my negative thoughts and my fear of being judged logically. Does thinking this way in social situations and in response to other people make sense, really? Just a sample of what I'm talking about, this is what my therapist did with me in most of my sessions because like you I thought my anxious thoughts were true to some extent and that my fears were justified:

-If I try to ask a girl out on a date she'll be repulsed by me and it will be embarrassing, so I just won't try.

- What is this based on? Do you have any experience in being rejected? And do you know for a fact that no girl will ever like you? Thinking this way is completely irrational and illogical. You're making generalizations about everyone of the female gender in response to you asking one of them out. Now getting girls is an odds game, a lot of it is luck. Finding the right girl. How do you know your chances of finding the right girl are slim? Again what are you basing this on? The truth is, you don't know how you'll fair in relationships if you don't try. I'm no expert in relationships, but I know that none of us can actually know how attractive or unattractive we are to all the members of the opposite gender. It's hard to even get close to knowing such a specific statistic, so there's no point in even trying to guess.

See what I mean? Most of our fears of judgement are baseless and when looked at from a logical standpoint, completely irrational. Now, even knowing this we can still be nervous and fearful, but that's fine. We're only human after all. But I think if we keep challenging our negative irrational thoughts with more positive (or at least neutral) rational ones, we can legitimately combat our anxiety.

Again, I'm only going based on what I know has helped me. I'm very sorry if this wasn't helpful towards you, or if you don't agree with what I'm saying. I'm only trying to give advice, and in no way is this a "bonified cure" or an "easy way out", it's a long process that takes getting used to. Hell, I'm still getting used to it. But it's helping me. Regardless, Good Luck :)
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