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Hello, my name is Caitlan, and I honestly don't know where to begin. I am 18 years old, and i have been dealing with several mental illnesses my whole life, not just social anxiety. Um, I actually dropped out of high school when i was 16, something I am very ashamed of. I am a highly intelligent person, but I just couldn't deal with school and being around other people. I have been that way my whole life, and the older I get, the worse I get. I am a very paranoid person, I never wanted to go to school when I was in middle school. I was always afraid of what other people were thinking of me and I would become paranoid every time someone looked at me. It got worse as I got older and entered high school. I am also bipolar, I constantly have racing thoughts, I cycle between being manic and depressed practically every day. So that also added to the strain. The farther I got into school, the less I went. When I was a sophmore I got just stopped going altogether. I did not go to school for an entire three months. I just stayed home and layed in bed. I got kicked out of my school because of my poor attendence, because I was actually going to a school I was not zoned for with a variance because I had been accepted into a special program for communications and multimedia technology. Anyways, I lost my variance, and had to withdraw. So my mom enrolled my in the school that I am actually zoned for. When I got to the school, I found that it was very small physically, you know narrow corridors and not alot of places to go and hide because there were alot of students packed into this tiny school. I begged my mother to take me home because I was having a panic attack at the thought of having to stay there. but my mom had to go to work, so I stayed and after three periods, something in my head snapped. I had a full-blown nervous breakdown that day. I tried to leave, but got caught. The people in the office tried to ask me what was going on, but I couldn't answer them, i had another panic attack and started crying and didn't say anything. they understood something was really wrong and let me call my grandmother and i went home. when my mom got home from work, she started making these calls to put me in a hospital, but of course i was not thinking to clearly that day, and I just snapped. I attacked my mom, and she called the police and when she did i took of and left the house but they found me. My mom said she did not want to press charges, that she wanted to have me baker acted, but instead of taking me to a hospital, they took me to a juvenile detention center. needless to say i was in rough shape. I had to sit in a cell with another girl for several hours. but the officer there talked to my mom and he decided I needed to be let go. so my dad picked me up. the next day i calmed down and started think more clearly and realized how insane i had been the previous day. so i went willingly to a mental hospital that was for minors, and stayed for ten days. I felt really great when i left, but i slowly began reverting back to my old ways. I never left the house, I didn't have any friends, the only human interaction i had was with my immediate family. My psychiatrist did not think I was ready to go back to public school, so I tried homebound schooling, which was done over the phone, but that only lasted for a couple of months. I had panic attacks even when talking over the phone, and the ciriculum was mediocre, so I quit. Eventually, I dropped out of high school, I stopped seeing my psychiatrist because I would never take my medication or talk to her and it was a waste of my family's time and money. So, for about two years, I have done absolutely nothing. I nvere go out, I don't have any friends, I have never dated, I cry every day, and I spend the majority of my time in my bedroom. I am reclusive even in my own house. I have panic attacks if I stay outside of my room for to long, and I keep blankets over my windows because I feel vulnerable without them, like people can see me or something. Anyways, I think I have finally gotten to a point where I am mature enough to admit my own problems and limits, and am ready to be treated for them. I'm just sick of being sick, you know? So, I saw a new psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago. I didn't talk to her though. My mom had to come in with me and talk for me. It was so humiliating. I felt so small. Whenever the doctor asked me basic questions about my moods, or my sleep, I just started crying. But I think she is probaly the best doctor I have seen, and believe me, I have been to alot of them. The problem was, I would never talk to any of them, so thay could never figure out what was going on in my head. one doctor thought I might have a mild form of schizophrenia. some others thought maybe it was a mild case of some social form of autism or another. But this new doctor seems like she know what she is doing. She wants me to go to a neurologist and also have a formal psychological evaluation. She seemed pretty shocked when my mom told her I had never had any testing like that done. because I have been showing all kinds of signs since I was a toddler. I had severe anger problems when I was a kid. I used to go into blind rages and scream and kick and throw things and break things. and when it was over, I would become totally calm and happy, as if it had never even happened at all. so, sometime soon, i am going to see a neurologist and have some psychological evaluations done, and try to apply for disability. because i turn 19 in December, and when I turn 19 my parents health insurance will not cover me any more, and I am unemployed of course. But I am taking my meds now, and I go back to see the doctor in a couple of weeks. God, I'm really, really sorry that this is so long, I have been telling my whole life story here. Anyways, I don't know if this forum will really help, but I will give it a try because something has got to give. And I feel so awkward right now, and don't really now how to end this, so I am just going to end it here. I have rambled long enough. If you actually made it this far, thanks for reading.
 

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Hey Caitlan, welcome to :sas
 

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Hey Caitlan, welcome to the board! There's no reason to feel awkward, everyone here has a story, we're all struggling with something so there's nothing wrong with letting it all out. I'm glad that you're finally able to identify your own problems and limits, I think that was a big turning point for me when I could finally admit to myself there was definitely something going on beyond simply being shy and reclusive all the time. Wish you the best! :D
 

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Hi Caitlan, welcome to the forums :)

It's great that you've decided to try to overcome your problems. Your phrase 'sick of being sick' is just how I feel, and I think admitting this to yourself is the first step on the road to overcoming your problems. Its also great that you've found a competent doctor, who seems to understand what is wrong with you, and who hopefully will put you on whatever treatment is right for you.

You sound like a really intelligent person, who wants to be well, and i'm sure in time you will be :)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thank you everyone. I have been having a really rough day today. My depression has been pretty bad this week, and I have been crying and yelling at my family and laying in bed all day. My mom said she would try to schedule an appointment with my doctor for in a couple of days, and I talked to her for a while and am finally beginning to perk back up, and after finally getting back online and reading your comments, I feel very encouraged.

:thanks
 

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:wel
 

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Welcome, Caitlan! :)
 
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