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I'm a 21 year old male who lives in Washington State. Currently, I work at a warehouse where I receive and maintain inventory.

Ever since I can remember - I've been socially anxious, introverted, and shy. School was rough for me because I would literally never talk to anyone. The few people I did talk to were VERY outgoing but often eccentric to a degree. They were the people that would talk to everyone, but few people liked to talk to them. I would befriend these people so I wouldn't feel like I stuck out as much at lunch, in between classes, etc.

To this day, I feel like I have one "true" friend who is particularly special to me. I met his twin brother in kindergarten before I met him. In fact, it wasn't until 6th grade (middle school) did we really become friends. Ever since then, we've been great friends and I feel like we share a bond of sorts - very similar interests and ideals. All throughout middle school and high school we would play MMORPGs together (similar to World of Warcraft, but much before that time), we'd walk to school together, played soccer together. He was like my co-pilot/companion.

When we finally got out of high school, we drifted away from gaming and computers and got into drugs and alcohol - mostly marijuana, but we would occasionally stray from that and try new things. This introduced me to new people, but they were never... err, rarely, desirable people to be around (and of course, that's just my opinion - but I didn't feel like these people had much to offer in terms of friendship or they felt very phony.)

At about age 19, I was introduced to my first and only girlfriend thus far. We went steady for 2 years - 9 months of which we lived together. The relationship ended a few months back and was an extremely depressing time for me... I was alone by myself, miles and miles away from family and friends in an apartment in a town where I knew no one and was completely alone. I remember specifically coming home to a dark apartment with the drapes drawn over the windows and just lying in bed watching a digital clock tick the minutes away while I cried.

Now, this was an extremely dysfunctional relationship in retrospect - I won't get into details, but the relationship should of ended at about the half-year mark. I think we were both too clingy and I personally was far too hopeful for something that could never work. I've gotten over this relationship, but I feel like I'm missing something now or I'm somehow incomplete.

A little under a year ago, my good friend left for schooling in Poland - which left me with my family (which mainly consists of my brother and dad mostly and I will occasionally talk to my mom) and the friends (and I use the word "friends" loosely here) I knew who were only around when I was doing drugs or drinking.

I'm in a bit of a rut now, because I feel like I'm not really going anywhere in life. I'm working a blue-collar job and not going to school - which would be just fine in my book if I was doing more outside of work... but I'm not. I never want to interact with people because I don't feel it's worth being paranoid and tense the whole time. The only time I end up leaving my house is when it's a nesscessity (doctor, food, etc) or when I'm feeling abnormally free of worry. I spend most of my time on the computer doing research on various things, listening to music - otherwise I'll be outside in nature, someplace quiet and free of humans.

Feels good to spill my guts. Sorry if it seemed scattered, I tried to compile my life into a few paragraphs.
 

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Hey Elevated, welcome to :sas
 

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Hey Elevated welcome to the forums, fairly new here myself but hopefully you'll find everyone welcoming and caring. It sounds rough what you have been through, I think one of the worst things other than feeling alone is actually physically being alone like you mentioned when you were alone in a different town, but I'm glad that now you are with family and 'friends'. I hope you find that discussing some of the problems you may experience with others helps to lighten some of the pressure and the weight on your shoulders but I hope you have the best of luck in your progress =)

And don't worry about it seeming scattered, sometimes it helps to be able to just write down everything you've experienced.
 

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Hello and welcome :) A lot of that sounds familiar - I was in a pretty dysfunctonal relationship from the ages of 14 to 21. I learned from it though, and I'm in a pretty healthy, happy relationship now. Every time I get a rare and treasured good friend, they end up moving away :( I'm working on making more friends though.
 

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Welcome, Elevated! :)
 
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