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Hey everyone. My name is Mariah and im 19 years old ive always thought there was something wrong with me like ever since I can remember. All of the social anxiety symptoms there are I think I have. I think I developed this disorder from being abused and molested as a child. Its really hard for me to keep basic relationships because I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy then I imagine all the things that person is probably thinking of me and plotting against me and I start getting really angry and just start being a ***** being really mean and standoffish or fighting. I know this is irrational thinking and even if people are thinking bad things of me well it shouldnt matter. I always think people will hurt me I just get so mad sooo mad I think I could kill someone.

Im really just so sick of all this hate and fear it has put me in a very dark place. But at the same time I accept it because it is all I know this im a "victim" lifestyle. I didnt even finish highschool(i started doing this homeschool thing after I sorta had a um little meltdown). I want to go to college but I just feel like everything I try I will fail and be lost I feel so lost and without purpose. I dont even have any hobbies. Nothing. I feel like I live my life in a hazy nightmare. I need people to talk to who know what im going through and feeling and are trying to get better. please.
 

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Hello Purplepoodle. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you are considering therapy if you haven't already had some. If the first one doesn't help, don't lose faith.

The people here are very supportive. I'm confident you will find others on this site with similar backgrounds and fears. My background is different, but I wanted to welcome you.
Street Owl
 

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here you'll find people with similar life stories, I think they'll help you a lot. I'm gonna say something, but I don't want to come across as a religion pusher.
Just earlier today I was stressing about going to an internship interview, and it crossed my mind to go and find an app for my smartphone with good quotes. I found some Buddha quotes and I was reading them on the bus. I am not religious, but something about those phrases got to me, it lightened up my mood and went into that interview with a smile of my face a not a care in the world, I did got nervous a little bit after it started, just thinking about the future and so on, but then ..one of those quotes came into my mind ... and I was at ease ^^
I think I'm gonna do my best practicing those lessons, one at a time. Maybe get rid of this SA once and for all.
 

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Hey Mariah, welcome to :sas
 

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Welcome, PurplePoodle! :)
 
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