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Hi, sorry for the lengthy post, but allow me to introduce myself.
I am 24 years old and I currently live in Tbilisi, Georgia. I have had SA since childhood. My experience with SA has had its ups and downs - now, for the past year and a half or so, its getting increasingly worse, I am often completely alone and completely miserable, spending many a night by myself trying not to burst into tears because of the intense feelings of loneliness I experience. Although I am in a wonderful relationship, my boyfriend lives in another country so I do not get to be with him often, rendering me completely alone where ever I happen to be at the time.


Although I was treated for SA as a teenager, it didn't work out for me. I rarely had friends in high school, and eventually had to complete my studies in an independent study program so I wouldn't have to deal with the social interactions involved with high school. Since I had no friends, and hated where I lived, by the time I was 18 I decided to take a very big plunge for someone with SA - I moved from the US to Europe for university, hoping that I could start anew and maybe have a different, better experience.
My undergraduate years at university were mixed - my first year was absolutely miserable and I made no friends, and most of my second year was equally miserable but towards the end I started making a few friends. By my final year, I had managed to develop a small social circle, and although I never deeply connected with the people I was "friends" with, I at least had company, and somehow that gave me enough confidence to be much more sociable and talk to people much more easily than I could before. I had a lot of the social things I thought I wanted. But then we graduated. And within several weeks, I never heard from 98% of them again, I was hurt that they just completely cut me off like that, and to realize that they were never friends at all. I still tried to be sociable, as much as possible at least. But then I fell out with my last friend there, and had no one.
Then I moved again to another country for a study program, and it started out well, I was able to make a few friends quickly because my class was so small, but they left, or became too busy for me, apart from one. And as time went on meetings became fewer, eventually I almost never went out for anything apart from class and groceries. All of the problems with my SA had come back in full force, and worsened. I did manage to meet my boyfriend during this time through the person I still maintained contact with, but this was shortly before I had already decided to leave the country, mostly owing to the intense loneliness and isolation I felt again.
Things basically went down hill from there, I tried living in a few other places, but my willingness to be sociable started declining drastically owing to numerous bad experiences I had with numerous people. These bad experiences were with people I sincerely tried being friends with, and sometimes even just friendly with, and they only reinforced my standoffishness and made it much more difficult for me to be able to even try, or want to try out of fear of being hurt/rejected or have even larger problems created for myself.
I'd hoped that when I started my postgraduate course, things would get better, that I'd meet people, and make friends, and this never happened. I tried to talk to a few people at the beginning, but I couldn't even remotely hit it off with anyone, in every social situation I found myself in I was just the odd one out. I eventually gave up, and spent the entire duration of my postgraduate course completely alone in my room, unable to make friends and I couldn't even emotionally bring myself to try. I also became severely depressed during this period, eventually I couldn't even bring myself to go to class and my studies suffered towards the end, even my relationship with my boyfriend suffered but luckily he was supportive (this lasted until a month ago when I finally finished my course)
So I have been in a consistent cycle of picking up and moving to entirely different countries not just for the experience, but because I always hope that in the next place things will be better and I'll be able to somehow create a life for myself there. I am always disappointed and alone, unable to make friends and unable to carve any niche for myself in whatever environment I find myself in, owing to my SA. For a complicated list of reasons, I can't even move to be with my boyfriend in the near future.
Now, I have started an internship, I have been in this country for a month and it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that a) because of my SA, I will never find what I am looking for anywhere, and b) I have such a profound inability to connect with anyone anymore, or even hit it off with anyone anymore, that I don't know if my social situation can get better.
My living arrangement here is that I live with the other intern, she is actually really great and I was able to become (temporary, I'm presuming) friends with her. But her personality is the complete opposite of mine, and she is leaving this weekend. She is a very outgoing, sociable, friendly, chatty person, and everyone who meets her just adores her. She insists on dragging me to social events with some people she knows, but I have never been able to connect or hit it off with any of them, whereas she can meet someone the same day and suddenly become great friends with. I am always just in the corner alone, talking to no one, sometimes getting pity conversations thrown my way. Sometimes I want to talk to them but I just can't join in.
But it's work that is the worst for me, since they are all crazy about her, and are great friends with her, and none of them even really talk to me. They had a party in her honor this evening, and I was just in the corner alone, feeling even more excluded because I don't eat meat or drink alcohol, which was what was being served at this party and that's just unheard of here so the only occassions people spoke to me were when they were giving me grief about one of the two. I couldn't bring myself to join the conversation, they told me I could leave if I felt uncomfortable, I did, but came home feeling like crying because I just felt so... excluded, alienated from everyone and unable to connect or be friends with anyone. I want to be friends with them, or at least friendly with them, but again, I just can't make any connection with them.

I am so incredibly sick of being the odd one out, but at the same time, it's emotionally difficult to even want to try to be friends with most people since they are so disappointing and hurtful. It is so much easier to keep up a wall between me and other people, but I am finding this situation quite difficult.
I am a lonely loner - I want to have friends, but emotionally I can't bring myself to make any, or place any emotional stock into them since I am certain they will let me down. I am standoffish, I keep to myself, and I just can't connect with anyone, or want to open myself up to anyone. But at the same time, I do want to. It is hard to reconcile the two, but I think that I need to do something, otherwise this will happen where ever I go, and the two months I have left here will be very long. So hopefully, I can find some of the support I need here. :)
 

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Hi there, im also new to this site, but i hope you find the support you need on here !and just to let you know your not the only odd one i dont eat meat or drink alcohol either :)

Hope you feel better soon.
 

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Hey wsxdrfvgy welcome. :)
 

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Welcome to SAS, wsxdrfvgy! :)
I think you are the first member here we have from Georgia.
 

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Welcome! I can relate, I am a lonely loner too. My problem is I put myself out there and try to establish friendships and they end up hurting me as they tend to be too self-absorbed.

Trini
 
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