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Hello everyone and have a nice day!

My name is Markella and I am 31 years old. I am new to the forum, I ve actually found it through google search .
I have not been officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder or social phobia (I dont know if its the same) but I find myself often tormented with anxiety when it comes to several social engagements. Though I have friends and I am general social person I often avoid going to places where I know there would be a lot of unknown people there. But thats the least of it. Sometimes if I am late for a class I dont enter the classroom at all, I just leave, anxious and go hide myself somewhere else. I have also delayed a lot my degree as I avoided participating in an obligatory oral examination that I had to take. That was awful. I lost years of my life hating myself from not doing so. My family resented me. Ive lost a lot of obligatory tutorial groups in my study or meetings later on in job.I always felt useless and COWARD. I never understood what was wrong with me and WHY I could not take that step to move forward. I have always chosen works outside my field of study because I never thought I would be good enough as my grades were not the best after all that delay. (of course interviews are a nightmare for me).
Now I dont live in my homeland. I want to apply for a vacancy (I really need the job) and I still find myself anxious and fear of the upcoming interview.
I feel that I would not be good for the job, or that the interview will be in this country's language which I dont speak very well. I feel that I would be humiliated. I can imagine myself sitting there giving a huge effort to control my voice from trembling and my hands from shacking -I can imagine myself getting humiliated. Its thatt authority issues that i have. :(
Apart from that, I am trying to cope with everyday life, I am hiding that from friends and boyfriend. (Even though I know that all my friends believe that I am a somewhat weak person that easily someone can take advantage of and that usually cannot stand for itself).
All my life I am struggling -rather unsuccesfully -with this anxiety /phobia.
It is dominated by it.
I know that I am a very smart and capable person with a good heart.
But I can see that all my life will go as a continuous failure .

It was a relief discovering that other people may feel as I do.
Maybe I am not a coward after all and somehow I can find the power to go on.

I would like to thank you for your time.
Please forgive any mistakes that I may do as english is not my first language
 

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Welcome to this site Markella! :)
Thanks for sharing your story. I think a lot of people on this site can relate to your experience, myself included.

You will find a lot of info and techniques in the forums that will help you to reduce anxiety.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

Cheers
 

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Welcome, Markella! :)
 

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Hey Markella, welcome to :sas
 

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Fighting not flighting
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Hi Markella, welcome to the home you always wanted! I always think of home as a place of safety and peace and you'll definitely be able to find that here. Some people are just naturally shyer and more reserved than others and noticeably the other traits like aggressiveness and self-confidence are more accepted in society. So it makes people like us look bad. But not so. Everyone contributes to society to make it better, we're all needed. Glad you joined the site and I hope you feel at home knowing that there's billions of people out there just like you!
 
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