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I'm not really sure where to start.

I guess I'll start with the usual. My name is Jacob and I'm 17 years old (will be 18 in June).

Some background

I don't want to say my childhood was traumatizing, because I don't remember all of it being bad. However, there were many traumatizing things that happened and unstable environments I was subjected to.

I was bullied in 2nd/3rd grade. I don't remember very much, I'm assuming because I blocked it out. It was pretty bad though and affected me a lot. I had night terrors a lot and other sleep disturbances where I would wake up in a fearful, confused, disoriented, and dissociative state of mind. I threw some really bad temper tantrums, tearing down all of the posters in my room and screaming at my parents how much I hated them.

The bullying got so bad to the point where one day I hid outside school in the bushes because I was so afraid to go inside. Eventually, the bullying situation was uncovered and the guy stopped. I also saw a psychiatrist (the same one I see today!)

Aside from that, my home life was very two sided. My parents have always been caring and helpful, but they did have alcohol problems. They often threw parties on the weekends and had dozens of people over where they all got drunk and blasted music til 3 in the morning. In was when this happened where I was often ignored and became scared because my parents would turn into completely different people. I won't go into any of the detail of this, but there were some horrible things that happened involving alcohol. This lifestyle at home continued on for years and years.

As a kid, I was very sensitive and emotional, and fantasy prone. I spent a lot of my days playing video games, or watching movies like The Neverending story, or just daydreaming/pretending (and I still do these today lol). So yeah, I was pretty introverted (i did have lots of friends though) and felt somewhat "different" most of the time.

I'm not positive, but I'm sure some social anxiety problems have developed from the childhood experiences I described.

Fast forward to middle school. From here on out I'll make a timeline.

In 6th grade, I was the class clown. I didn't have many social problems.

7th grade. Made some friends who picked on me all the time because I was the weakling of the group. I eventually got into the habit of going into a mode where I would act stupid and slow as a defense mechanism, which only made them make fun of me even more (you know what I'm talking about if you have SA). The skaters made fun of me for skateboarding, and there were a bunch of 8th graders who liked to scare me in the hallways.

8th grade. No friends at all. I was VERY shy, avoidant, socially anxious, and sensitive. Got my head slammed into my locker after class which made the whole hallway stop and look at me. There were stories from people that some guy was going to lure me into a bathroom and beat me up (never happened though). I was constantly picked on in Boy Scouts, so much that it made me quit, even though I liked a lot of the things I did in it. This was the definitely the year social problems began to take hold.

9th grade. Oh boy. I became friends with this guy who I'll call Tommy. The same guy I was friends with in 7th grade, the same guy who slammed my head into the locker in 8th grade, and the same guy who was supposedly going to beat me up in the bathroom. Why I stuck around with him I don't know. Fear and anxiety I guess, and loneliness. Anyways, an abusive friendship formed.

Threats, threats and more threats. Everyday. He would take some valuable item of mine and tell me to do something, and if I didn't do it he would break it. For instance, one time he took my backpack (with phone and papers and everything) and told me to run into the pep rally that was going on and join the basketball players in some dance they were doing. If I didn't do it, he would drop the backpack into the water below the bridge we were standing on. I didn't know what to do and just ran off. I came back to see my backpack had BARELY missed the water and luckily landed right on the ditch. He would do these threats, EVERY ****ING DAY. It was for stupid things, like eating some sickening cafeteria smoothie he made, or making an offensive comment in class, or just walking with him to class. "DO IT *****" is what he would say.

Then there was the name calling and verbal abuse. Fat, ugly, stupid, fat tits, dumb, annoying, slow, gay, cock smoker, chimo (child molestor), *****, baby, weak, **** breath, piece of ****, *** licker, *****, you name it.

There were other things as well. He took my hoodie and tied it to my face and then grabbed the sleeves and tied them behind my back, then proceded to shove me in front of the classroom, where everyone laughed at me. He grabbed my ipod and put the screen face down onto the floor, and dragged it around by the headphones making it horribly scratched and unuseable. Oh, and he completely broke the ipod I had after that by throwing up way into the air in the courtyard and completely stop working after it hit the ground. He took my phone and threw it out onto the track, I'm suprised it still worked after that He stole whatever he wanted from me. He liked to smear his boogers and snot (any other gross thing he could find) on my face and clothes. ****erkfjdngfkdsgf'
kgjfkg

He was extremely manipulative and controlling and pretty much forced me to skip class with him and go with him wherever.

Apart from that, there were a lot of guys who made immature and crude comments at me when I passed them in the halls. I'm also gay. I didn't come out at the time, but I had to deal with the homophobic and gay bashing remarks everyone made.

At this point I could hardly carry a proper conservation anyone. I was so scared of everyone and everything. School was absolute HELL. I mean HELL.

10th grade. More of the same stuff, except now my parents are involved. The abuse and bullying from the year before made my attitude and behavior change IMMENSELY, and I began failing and skipping all of my classes. I can imagine seeing your son going from nice and happy with A's and B's to angry and isolated, skipping class everyday, getting all F's might make a parent a bit worried. My parent's got a little too carried away though and did some stupid **** like hack into my email account, spy in on my phone calls, and use all of the things that kept me alive (music, guitar and video games) to manipulate me into to doing what they want. My mom mimicked me and laughed at me and told me I was a disgrace to the family and that everything would be better if I moved out. So I ran away, just like my parents told me to, but they decided to call the police and getting the cops involved with everything. That wasn't fun. I had to deal with my parent's alcoholism and their conditioned love, while dealing with the bullying and abuse at school and elsewhere. I was severely depressed that year. If any of you know the band NINE INCH NAILS, I can tell you that Trent's music saved me from killing myself that year.

The social anxiety was at it's worst this year. I don't even know how to describe how messed up I was in social situations. The main reason I skipped class was because I was so scared and anxious in the classroom.

11th grade. Drugs. I did a lot of drugs that year. Tommy first started smoking pot and it made him back off on me a little, so I joined in and started smoking pot weekly ( and soon led to drinking and other drugs). I found out that when I was under the influence, all the social anxiety disspeared, however when I was sober, it came back worse as ever.

Tommy's little brother and his friend started hanging out with me and Tommy more often, and soon enough I had three people ganging up on me all the time. Every comment they made towards me was like being hit by a bullet.

After some reflection, I had a lot more self esteem at this point and did all I could to fight back. The abuse from everyone (including Tommy) slowly started going away each month because there were drugs to distract everyone and keep them under control I guess.

Anyways, that summer I completely told everyone off. I just ended the relationships I had with everyone and didn't talk to anyone or reply to any of their messages for months. They eventually got the message that they were extremely abusive towards me and haven't bothered me since.

12th grade (this year). I've been trying very hard to cope with what has happened. I've changed a lot, and for the better. School became so unbearable because of all the trauma that's happened there, that I transferred to an alternative school to finish up my credits. It's doesn't really matter because I'm really lucky to be able to survive what I went through. Looking back on it, I have no clue how I managed to not kill myself..

The social anxiety is still very prominent though. At work, no one sees me for who I am and no one would EVER guess that any of those things happened to me. I can't be myself around pretty much anyone and I often present myself as someone I'm not. My mind usually goes blank and I tend to go off balance and stutter my words. In fact, my managers thought I was drunk once!

Being gay is definitely a major factor in my social anxiety as well. It was something I hid for years, and even now only a few people know. My family doesn't know, and neither do any of my co-workers. It seems to so scary to come out to everyone..

I'm struggling very hard with social anxiety, and the other problems I face. The more I talk the people, the more I regret everything I said.

Yeah, that's my intro. Sorry it was so long, but I feel like most of it is something I need to share.

Oh, and yes, I have a psychiatrist, and I've been seeing him since Febuary 2009. I'm not on any meds, and never have been.
 

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Hey Jacob, welcome to :sas
 

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:wel
 

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I eventually got into the habit of going into a mode where I would act stupid and slow as a defense mechanism, which only made them make fun of me even more (you know what I'm talking about if you have SA).
Yeah, I hated doing that. Bad memories. =\

Anyways, welcome to the forum!
 

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Hi Jacob :wel

I'm sorry those things happened to you.
Glad you got away from the crowd like Tommy.
 

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Welcome, Ningamer! :)
 

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I'm clearly in agreement with joinmartin when I say you're incredibly brave for openly discussing all that you have here. I think that's the most difficult part for people with traumatic childhoods and rough adolescent years. Most people repress it or desperately try to, but ignoring that it happened is foolish. Something I really admire in you is that you stuck it out through high school. We're about the same age (I turned 18 in April) and the only reason I'm in my second semester of college is because I wimped out and quit high school halfway through my sophomore year. And I wasn't even picked on in high school. I had plenty of friends (well, "friends", people I got drunk and ****ed up with.) But it was too much for me to handle so I quit and got my GED instead. So I respect your ability to finish (even if that meant suffering through so much.)
You're strong. And the fact that you're in therapy is fantastic. You're obviously not too afraid to admit that you have horrors in your past...and take a step forward. I applaud you!
 
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