I have often heard that people call me stuck up behind my back. I suspect that it partly has to do with my looks and the fact that I'm well dressed. ( Though I do not dress skimpy, garish or in any way where people can't help but stare)
The stereotype goes that good looking women are either incompetent bimbos or cruel-hearted, stuck up slags with no character.
I do not say that I'm attractive out of conceit, to show off or rub my 'good fortune' in anyone's face. I actually find that my appearance will be offensive to others. I wish I could bask in the attention as many other women and men do but I'm afraid of it. Why not make myself unattractive, you ask? When I was younger I did not do so out of defiance and now I don't do it out of pride. I may be severely screwed up in the head but it's better than being a phony. I will not dress or behave in certain ways to ingratiate myself with others. Especially if those people are going to reject me or hate me anyway.
I had a horrible high school experience on account of mean-spirited, envious girls. I'm generally anxious around women. Whether I'm in other women's compay or if I'm walking by them down the street. Every women who isn't in denial knows well how cruel women can be to one another. Especially when envy and jealousy are invovled.
I'm not saying that the boys weren't mean to me. The ones that were mean to me were the one's whose advances I did not respond well too. Apparently, harrassment is considered an appropriate form of courtship in some circles.
I used to be so openly friendly to people. I'm not saying that I'm unfriendly, cruel or rude to people. It just seems as though kindness is often mistaken for stupidity or weakness so I've learned not to show it. My looks don't exactly help people take me seriously.
On the occasion when people do or say nice things, I get confused and then suspicious. I am grateful for those moments but I'm afraid that I come across as ungrateful because of my confusion and suspicion.
I find it very difficult to smile at people as I used to. Well, I don't believe that a smiling person is necessarily a genuinely good or trustworthy person. I've met a lot of people who were friendly to my face and then said very mean, unexpected things behind my back. I also find it very diffcult to trust people. I've often experienced that most people who hung out with me either turned out to not like me at all, were using me for one reason or another (borrow and eventually keep my things), or were stealing things when I wasn't looking.
I have a hard time believing that people want to talk to me or be around me because they actually like me. I basically think that people want to hate me, hurt me or use me. It doesn't help that I grew up being told how evil people are (by a cruel mother). I know that not everyone can be that evil. I just seem to find or attract all the wrong people. I avoid people because I am afraid.
I avoid people's stares and I do not speak to people unless they talk to me first or unless I really have to speak to them. I've often been told that others (whom I do not even know) call me stuck up. A friend once told me that I come across as standoffish. Recently, an acquaintance (who seems to think he knows a lot about me) told me that his coworkers told him to stay away from me because I am stuck up. (Does this explain why he's behaved as though he was angry at me a couple of times?) I don't even know these people! He says not to worry because they're probably just trying to keep him away because they "want to get with me". ??? (By the way, I'm married) Am I being irrational for finding this behavior creepy?
How irrational is it to believe that people are thinking or talking bad about me when they really are? Am I crazy for thinking there are conniving people out there who plot to hurt others? Some do experience envy and jealousy as forms of persecution. Having learned that doesn't help me at all.
My stoic behavior is a defense mechanism that I adopted and eventually it became a part of me. This is how I protect myself! I don't think I owe them anymore than they owe me. I deserve to protect myself as much as the next person.
I apologize that this is so long. It took me a while to write because this was originally going to be a lot longer.
The stereotype goes that good looking women are either incompetent bimbos or cruel-hearted, stuck up slags with no character.
I do not say that I'm attractive out of conceit, to show off or rub my 'good fortune' in anyone's face. I actually find that my appearance will be offensive to others. I wish I could bask in the attention as many other women and men do but I'm afraid of it. Why not make myself unattractive, you ask? When I was younger I did not do so out of defiance and now I don't do it out of pride. I may be severely screwed up in the head but it's better than being a phony. I will not dress or behave in certain ways to ingratiate myself with others. Especially if those people are going to reject me or hate me anyway.
I had a horrible high school experience on account of mean-spirited, envious girls. I'm generally anxious around women. Whether I'm in other women's compay or if I'm walking by them down the street. Every women who isn't in denial knows well how cruel women can be to one another. Especially when envy and jealousy are invovled.
I'm not saying that the boys weren't mean to me. The ones that were mean to me were the one's whose advances I did not respond well too. Apparently, harrassment is considered an appropriate form of courtship in some circles.
I used to be so openly friendly to people. I'm not saying that I'm unfriendly, cruel or rude to people. It just seems as though kindness is often mistaken for stupidity or weakness so I've learned not to show it. My looks don't exactly help people take me seriously.
On the occasion when people do or say nice things, I get confused and then suspicious. I am grateful for those moments but I'm afraid that I come across as ungrateful because of my confusion and suspicion.
I find it very difficult to smile at people as I used to. Well, I don't believe that a smiling person is necessarily a genuinely good or trustworthy person. I've met a lot of people who were friendly to my face and then said very mean, unexpected things behind my back. I also find it very diffcult to trust people. I've often experienced that most people who hung out with me either turned out to not like me at all, were using me for one reason or another (borrow and eventually keep my things), or were stealing things when I wasn't looking.
I have a hard time believing that people want to talk to me or be around me because they actually like me. I basically think that people want to hate me, hurt me or use me. It doesn't help that I grew up being told how evil people are (by a cruel mother). I know that not everyone can be that evil. I just seem to find or attract all the wrong people. I avoid people because I am afraid.
I avoid people's stares and I do not speak to people unless they talk to me first or unless I really have to speak to them. I've often been told that others (whom I do not even know) call me stuck up. A friend once told me that I come across as standoffish. Recently, an acquaintance (who seems to think he knows a lot about me) told me that his coworkers told him to stay away from me because I am stuck up. (Does this explain why he's behaved as though he was angry at me a couple of times?) I don't even know these people! He says not to worry because they're probably just trying to keep him away because they "want to get with me". ??? (By the way, I'm married) Am I being irrational for finding this behavior creepy?
How irrational is it to believe that people are thinking or talking bad about me when they really are? Am I crazy for thinking there are conniving people out there who plot to hurt others? Some do experience envy and jealousy as forms of persecution. Having learned that doesn't help me at all.
My stoic behavior is a defense mechanism that I adopted and eventually it became a part of me. This is how I protect myself! I don't think I owe them anymore than they owe me. I deserve to protect myself as much as the next person.
I apologize that this is so long. It took me a while to write because this was originally going to be a lot longer.