[MissSA]

I have often heard that people call me stuck up behind my back. I suspect that it partly has to do with my looks and the fact that I'm well dressed. ( Though I do not dress skimpy, garish or in any way where people can't help but stare)
The stereotype goes that good looking women are either incompetent bimbos or cruel-hearted, stuck up slags with no character.

I do not say that I'm attractive out of conceit, to show off or rub my 'good fortune' in anyone's face. I actually find that my appearance will be offensive to others. I wish I could bask in the attention as many other women and men do but I'm afraid of it. Why not make myself unattractive, you ask? When I was younger I did not do so out of defiance and now I don't do it out of pride. I may be severely screwed up in the head but it's better than being a phony. I will not dress or behave in certain ways to ingratiate myself with others. Especially if those people are going to reject me or hate me anyway.

I had a horrible high school experience on account of mean-spirited, envious girls. I'm generally anxious around women. Whether I'm in other women's compay or if I'm walking by them down the street. Every women who isn't in denial knows well how cruel women can be to one another. Especially when envy and jealousy are invovled.

I'm not saying that the boys weren't mean to me. The ones that were mean to me were the one's whose advances I did not respond well too. Apparently, harrassment is considered an appropriate form of courtship in some circles.

I used to be so openly friendly to people. I'm not saying that I'm unfriendly, cruel or rude to people. It just seems as though kindness is often mistaken for stupidity or weakness so I've learned not to show it. My looks don't exactly help people take me seriously.
On the occasion when people do or say nice things, I get confused and then suspicious. I am grateful for those moments but I'm afraid that I come across as ungrateful because of my confusion and suspicion.

I find it very difficult to smile at people as I used to. Well, I don't believe that a smiling person is necessarily a genuinely good or trustworthy person. I've met a lot of people who were friendly to my face and then said very mean, unexpected things behind my back. I also find it very diffcult to trust people. I've often experienced that most people who hung out with me either turned out to not like me at all, were using me for one reason or another (borrow and eventually keep my things), or were stealing things when I wasn't looking.

I have a hard time believing that people want to talk to me or be around me because they actually like me. I basically think that people want to hate me, hurt me or use me. It doesn't help that I grew up being told how evil people are (by a cruel mother). I know that not everyone can be that evil. I just seem to find or attract all the wrong people. I avoid people because I am afraid.

I avoid people's stares and I do not speak to people unless they talk to me first or unless I really have to speak to them. I've often been told that others (whom I do not even know) call me stuck up. A friend once told me that I come across as standoffish. Recently, an acquaintance (who seems to think he knows a lot about me) told me that his coworkers told him to stay away from me because I am stuck up. (Does this explain why he's behaved as though he was angry at me a couple of times?) I don't even know these people! He says not to worry because they're probably just trying to keep him away because they "want to get with me". ??? (By the way, I'm married) Am I being irrational for finding this behavior creepy?

How irrational is it to believe that people are thinking or talking bad about me when they really are? Am I crazy for thinking there are conniving people out there who plot to hurt others? Some do experience envy and jealousy as forms of persecution. Having learned that doesn't help me at all.

My stoic behavior is a defense mechanism that I adopted and eventually it became a part of me. This is how I protect myself! I don't think I owe them anymore than they owe me. I deserve to protect myself as much as the next person.

I apologize that this is so long. It took me a while to write because this was originally going to be a lot longer.

 

[Heisel]

I can understand your mindset, I have been accused of the same on many occassions. As with you, I have typically attracted some attention from women (I hope that doesn't come off sounding bad), so the fact that I have such a hard time talking to strangers has brought me the label "stuck up". I've found that I have to go out of my way to talk to people to avoid that reputation at work, but then I end up just feeling more uncomfortable and it just makes me resentful. I just wanted to let you know that I can understand where you are coming from and how frustrating/difficult it can be.

 

[MissSA]

I can understand your mindset, I have been accused of the same on many occassions. As with you, I have typically attracted some attention from women (I hope that doesn't come off sounding bad), so the fact that I have such a hard time talking to strangers has brought me the label "stuck up". I've found that I have to go out of my way to talk to people to avoid that reputation at work, but then I end up just feeling more uncomfortable and it just makes me resentful. I just wanted to let you know that I can understand where you are coming from and how frustrating/difficult it can be.

First, I'd like to say thank you for taking the time to read my very long message.

I don't think it's bad that you admit to getting attention from women. I'm not going to judge you or think that you are conceited. When I tried talking to people at work, it just seemed to not work well for me. Well, with the majority of women. The women with whom I worked directly did not have a problem with me. We got along well.

I've sat numerous times trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people dislike me. I don't know what it is and that is very frustrating. There were times where I would confront certain people who had been talking bad about me behind my back and I would ask why they even bother to talk to me if they didn't like me. I've never actually got anything resembling an answer other than 'you have one of those faces' or 'you can't expect everyone to like you'. I expect everyone to dislike me. Most of these people would try to act friendly to me afterwards but the damage had been done.

My husband once told me that he used to think I was stuck up when he would see me out and about. He says that I came across as stuck up because I always kept my eyes straight ahead and never acknowledged anyone.

 

[Heisel]

Wow, some of the things you have said, I've heard my wife say. She does not experience SA herself, but some of your comments about other women, being well-dressed, having one of those faces, etc. are right on with her comments. She also tends to have people dislike her, although she is very polite, well-dressed, etc. But it seems no matter what, she'll make an enemy or someone will talk behind her back, even though she didn't do anything to prompt it. My thoughts on reason why she experiences these things may be some of what happens to you, not sure, just throwing it out there for thought.

Women tend to be cruel when it comes to other women, especially ones they feel inferior too. I can't tell you how many times I've seen an attractive woman that is well-dressed and professional come into my office and instantly become the most hated woman here. She did nothing, but the other women become threatened and in my opinion, jealous.

If you are assertive, professional or "to-the-point", a lot of people aren't comfortable with it. Again, they may feel inferior or intimidated. I've seen it too many times here, we had a women who fit the description in the paragraph above who was very business-like come in and right away people started talking about how much of a b*tch she was, etc. She was nothing of the sort, just straight to the point and a no-nonsense personality, very effective. Not a fair criticism of her, but nonetheless, it didn't take her long to clear out.

I do think dress plays a part too, again I'll use an example from my office, we had a woman who had a nice body and dressed very professionally, but you could still tell she was in great shape. Well you can imagine the comments the other women threw around about her. Again, I think they felt threatened and inferior and that is how they dealt with their own inadequacies.

Also it seems like the people who clearly have a bright future and are headed toward promotions end up on the "bad guy" list. I'd say for the same reasons as I've already cited. And if you are "quiet" or a "dilligent worker", it just seems to make the "stuck-up" label apply that much faster. Sadly, I've seen it 100 times by now.

These may or may not apply to you, but I find some of the parallels interesting. I typically stick up for the people that are getting bashed in these situations, but you can guess what that does for my popularity. ha

 

[MissSA]

Wow, some of the things you have said, I've heard my wife say. She does not experience SA herself, but some of your comments about other women, being well-dressed, having one of those faces, etc. are right on with her comments. She also tends to have people dislike her, although she is very polite, well-dressed, etc. But it seems no matter what, she'll make an enemy or someone will talk behind her back, even though she didn't do anything to prompt it. My thoughts on reason why she experiences these things may be some of what happens to you, not sure, just throwing it out there for thought.

Women tend to be cruel when it comes to other women, especially ones they feel inferior too. I can't tell you how many times I've seen an attractive woman that is well-dressed and professional come into my office and instantly become the most hated woman here. She did nothing, but the other women become threatened and in my opinion, jealous.

If you are assertive, professional or "to-the-point", a lot of people aren't comfortable with it. Again, they may feel inferior or intimidated. I've seen it too many times here, we had a women who fit the description in the paragraph above who was very business-like come in and right away people started talking about how much of a b*tch she was, etc. She was nothing of the sort, just straight to the point and a no-nonsense personality, very effective. Not a fair criticism of her, but nonetheless, it didn't take her long to clear out.

I do think dress plays a part too, again I'll use an example from my office, we had a woman who had a nice body and dressed very professionally, but you could still tell she was in great shape. Well you can imagine the comments the other women threw around about her. Again, I think they felt threatened and inferior and that is how they dealt with their own inadequacies.

Also it seems like the people who clearly have a bright future and are headed toward promotions end up on the "bad guy" list. I'd say for the same reasons as I've already cited. And if you are "quiet" or a "dilligent worker", it just seems to make the "stuck-up" label apply that much faster. Sadly, I've seen it 100 times by now.

These may or may not apply to you, but I find some of the parallels interesting. I typically stick up for the people that are getting bashed in these situations, but you can guess what that does for my popularity. ha

I'm sorry to hear that your wife has had similar experiences as I have. We're not the first or the last to share these experiences.
I have so much respect for the assertive, professional, to-the-point women which you have described. Sure, I envy them and I am intimidated by them but I know better than take my insecurites out on them. I really hope to become like them one day.

I respect the fact that men can be assertive without being deemed arrogant or cold. Women are always looking to be on equal footing with other women. They do not like anyone who is anything more or less than they. I believe in healthy competition among women, the only problem is that it's considered taboo and un-ladylike so most women compete in secret. I think it turns out to be more sinister because it is unspoken and unacknowledged. Men are encouraged to compete which is out in the open and much more healthy.

My friend recently got promoted to a higher position (she works at a bank) and now all the women who she used to be in good terms with behave in an antagonizing manner towards her now. She's very confident, competent and down to business. Women tend to get sensitive about how other women talk to them. As a woman in power, one has to be careful which tone is used and must never seem bossy, cold or distant. Women prefer a boss who is maternal as opposed to no-nonesense. Instead of congratulating and being happy for my friend, these women have turned into witches.

Women normally do not admit that we engage in such behaviors. Women are supposed to be the fair and kinder sex so it's no wonder that most women I've had to deal with believe that they can do no wrong to anyone. Men are allowed to be openly aggressive with one another while women use indirect agression which is much more subtle and harder to prove. I think it's so phony and I hate it!

 

[miminka]

I want to punch people when I hear the advice, "Fake it 'till you make it". Seriously. That is the worst advice you could ever give a person. I'd rather be a total loner who people press judgements on and avoid then a phony who has a ****-load of friends.

Obviously you aren't doing that and neither am I so we're in the same boat. However I know for a fact people aren't jealous of my looks. If teeth like a buck-toothed British man's (no offense to the British men on here) were considered attractive then people would think I was attractive. BAHAHA!

I'm sick of all the pressure on women to look super-sexy all the time. Fuk that. I stopped caring.

And yes, actually I have been accused of being stuck up behind my back on several occasions by people who's knowledge of me would just fit into a thimble.

 

[mrfixit]

yes i have been labeled stuck up because i'm quiet. they think i don't talk to them because i may feel i'm too good for them. but i rather them think i'm stuck up then for them see my true colors though.