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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all. SO happy to be a part of the community. I have been a long time lurker.

Real quick. 46 yrs old. Recently separated. 2 beautiful kids. Had it all (still have my kids thank god). Health, nice house, own business. Was always very popular, but not from trying. Just happen(ed) to have that kind of personality. Good looking, athletic, successful but was always a loner at heart.

As things went south, my love of being alone became a big problem. I developed a love of good wine and cooking and slowly ignored the world outside my own computer (the source of my business). Well as work and marriage suffered, my anxieties went thru the roof as well as my wine consumption. I'm starting over, but my self medicating got bad. I Still socially drink, and keep xanax and opiates on hand. I know. Drugs aren;t the answer but docs prescribed so much garbage and I know my mind. My business is in collapse, house in trouble and I can't be a drunk, so yes - if I can pop a benzo off the street so I can enjoy being with my kids - I do it. It keeps me from feeling so dammed ashamed of how I screwed things up in my life. I know addiction and dependence is a huge issue, but benzos and low MG opiate pills just keeps me from crawling out of my skin.

I was always the golden child. Always together. Always confident. Now, I fear every social situation and a phobia that people know I have fallen apart. Things are a little better, but I still have to be out of my head a little at times and long term anti depressants never worked.

Sorry for the long greeting but I guess I had the need to get some of this out. Thanks for reading and thanks for this forum. Should have joined a while ago!

:)
 

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Welcome! Hope you find what you're looking for. If you need someone to talk to about (insert topic), feel free to msg me at any time.
 

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Welcome to SAS :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks guys. I really appreciate it. Axe, thanks for the offer to talk. Not sure what to expect here except not facing real or in my mind "judgement" and me feeling self conscience - which I have for long enough lately. Still diagnosing myself!
 

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If you're having trouble getting off the computer and being introspective, remember that problem solving is not an end unto itself. We analyze stuff because we're looking for returns on investment. We're looking for consumption, happiness, joy.

The height of those experiences is intersubjective, not objective. That is there's nothing better than creatively formulating narratives, heritage, and memories with other free willing people. We succeed because we want to be surprised, and we don't want to be enslaved to the will of others. We want to synchronize, synthesize, cooperate. We think creatively in order to take things out of context and imagine unexpected possibilities in order to have light-hearted fun rather than constantly taking everything seriously.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks Dak. Wise words. Either I was in denial or oblivious. Just a lot of bad stuff in a short period of time and I was slow to change anything. Maybe my life was too easy for too long. It's still really hard even though I made some changes (moved out but close to kids). Still, I never initiate anything social unless it's watching a movie with my kids or something. 4 yrs ago, I was hosting dinner parties. Shame, regret and guilt are terrible and unproductive feelings, so I try to b aware of that.

My continuing to somewhat self medicate still concerns me but for some reason it has not gotten to abuse. Dr.s and therapy didn't cut my panic and anxiety from the mess my life is right now.
 

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Welcome, AITraining! :)
 

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Welcome to SAS!
If you need anything, ever, just PM! :)
 

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Hey aitraining welcome. :hyper
 
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