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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My only avenue to get some help without having a paper trail of mental issues in the military which may get me kicked out, seems to be talking to the chaplain here on base. I would very much would like to get out of the military but 1) I have car payments 2) I have a stable and honorable job that I'm not embarassed to have for once 3) my job is in extreme demand so even with military cut backs I will never have to leave 4) it is a sound tactical decision to stay and keep my educational benefits for whatever I decide to do in the future. Most of all though is #2. It is the only thing in my life that is normal and could be considered "healthy".

I'm not going there to get advice on getting out even though I am extremely miserable, but to get some things off my chest. I've seen a therapists twice and was diagnosed with mild depression but it wasn't until I found this forum a few months ago that I realized my experiences and fears were specifically related to social anxiety and my inability to connect with people on more than a superficial level. I remember a little while after highschool refusing to go into Costco to get a new eye perscription and my mom crying because she didn't know what to do with me. Recently I've thought about picking some highlights from this forum that mirrored my experiences and fears to let her know what troubles me.

The nature of my job requires me to push my social anxiety away and I manage to get by. However this requires me to numb myself and by now I am deeply entrenched in numb mode. I went from not being able to talk to my boss in the civilian world to walking into the flight office in the military to ask for something. I do it without much anxiety but that is just because I've numbed myself with so many layers. I hardly ever talk. It's like I have the numbness barrier up and I physically have no energy to talk. Just like every other place I'm at I am mostly left to myself without any trouble from others. Most of my time is spent being somewhere I don't want to be therefore I try to disengage myself from the situation and I'll clam up and I think people pick that up and leave me alone.

I was never bullied or picked on in my life. Elementary school were my best years. I still dream about those days. 7th grade came and I tried really hard to make friends. I had to try harder than most because the days of youthful curiousity about the world around me were over. The days of impressing classmates and teachers with my knowledge of rocks, trees, dinosaurs or animals and my art were over. Kids moved on to other more adolescent things that I had a hard time moving into. 7th and 8th grade was spent piggybacking on friends from elementary school that turned into skaters. I played the game but I never skated. I still hung out with them and was never teased but I was never really one with them and was the lowest one in the pack. When I got into 9th grade something I can't remember what, triggered a switch that made me dump all of my old friends. It may have been so much effort was spent on these so called "friendships" I didn't have the energy anymore, I really don't know. I started hanging out with a few outcasts for the most part and didn't care I was seen with the "trekie" kids.

Highschool were my naughty years. In highschool most of my few friends were as cynical about the school scene as I was. One friend killed himself. I became the ringleader of my group and we would skip class all the time. I would jokingly refer to us as The Fellowship and we'd skip out on school, assemblies ect. We had alot of computers at our brand new school and I would find proxy servers to bypass the security so that we could get onto chat rooms. These proxy servers would spread to other students, get banned and I'd find another one. I stole food in the cafeteria from the sandwhich line in front of the whole lunchroom. I was never caught from any of my antics somehow which reinforced my notion of already being invisible. At this stage I was lashing out at the system, the school itself. I would pretend "sleeping", I would doodle in class and sometimes hang out with the slackers in class. I didn't make fun of other students. I hated myself so much that I felt for those that were also socially awkward. I would even talk to the goofy 6'8 red head girl from my elementary school in the hallway. I did play baseball in highschool but I never gained friendships from that like I should have, just acquaintances.

My social anxiety problems after highschool began to take on drastically worst forms in that I became a homebody for days, even weeks at a time and I went to kill myself once. This boiled down to the fact that I struggled mostly after highschool with mild acne that bothered me so much I would stay inside and not leave unless I had to. This affected my college courses in so many ways. I'd gravitate to the adults who were continuing their education because they were not my peers and I felt less threatened by them. I was afraid to look up, walk past girls, talk to people ect. I had a comfort bubble of about 100 ft. I skipped class as much as I could. I never left the house except to play some airsoft games with my brother and the team I joined, or to play Halo with my brother and his friends. I was and still am most comfortable in the dark because people couldn't see my face. One day in class I was feeling so horrible. I was sitting by two cute girls, I was failing my statistics class, and I just got back a quiz I bombed. I decided then and there to kill myself. I felt so relieved. I walked out in the middle of class, walked to my car, and drove to a mountain rode I knew that had a great view. It was winter and I was going to die from the elements overlooking a beautiful valley. My car got stuck in the snow and while I was trying to get it out, some rangers came by and helped me. I was so embarassed with the situation I just turned around and went home. I came home all dirty and I remember washing my hands in the kitchen sink and looking at my mom thinking she had no idea how close she was to never seeing me again. That was the last time that ever happened.

I hate myself so much. I have absolutely no confidence to do anything, I have no self esteem, no energy and no friends around me. I have two close friends that live 14 hours away. I have no experience with women. In highschool one girl said I had cool eyes and one girl that went through every guy in class eventually got to me. But I didn't want to pursue that nonsense. I'm 25 now, almost 26 and that was the last time interest was shown in me. My experience with girls is so far behind I have no idea where I stand physically in their eyes and at this point it causes me the most grief because even though I look 19, I am approaching 30 rapidly and I have horrible realizations that my youth is waning.

Man that felt good to get off my chest and I guess it is a good practice run for when I talk to the chaplain.
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