Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
To give you a bit of background, we have been together about 18 months. Living together over a year. I am deeply in love with her, and would do anything to keep us together. She has told me that she wants to live and work overseas without me. At first the plan was for both of us to travel together but she said that traveling with me would not be the same. She told me she isn't ready for a long-term committed relationship and wants time alone to be independent and free. Here's the thing. She doesn't have enough money yet to leave. In fact she is still in a bit of debt, and it will take her at least another 5-6 months to save up enough to leave. I told her today that it would be okay for her to live with me until then. I am starting to wonder if this is a simple act of desperation and a mistake.

I also think that complete separation may be my best chance of getting her back in the future. If I allow her to stay with me I think inevitably the relationship will change: she will see me less as her lover and more as her friend, and that could spoil any hope of getting back with her in the future.

On the other hand I don’t want to ruin our friendship by completely severing ties, but I think it would kill me for her to think of me just as a friend.

She has made it clear that she does love me, but just not enough to stay.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 

·
thoughts are just thought
Joined
·
1,263 Posts
:ditto

What he said.

She can't afford to leave... well then it would have been in her best interest to have thought of that before quitting on the relationship. OH WELL! Her debts are now her problem.

Do not! Do Not! DO NOT!!!! Continue to live with her... NO good can come from that.

Everything you said is 100% right, if you live with her as "just friends" you will kill any chance you have of getting her back. The only chance you have to get her back is if she sees how horrible life is without you around.

Not to say leaving her completely will get her back, but staying with her as "friends" WILL for sure fail.

And even if leaving her does fail at least, as said above, it begins the healing process.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,540 Posts
^Exactly. Not to mention, the best way to make a girl miss you, is for her to see you being interested in other girls. Girls are funny like that...so are guys, I guess.
 

·
Your Assumptions
Joined
·
7,027 Posts
It doesn't look like she'd develop much deeper feelings after getting her independence experiment over with. I gave someone this line once but they kept persuading me to remain in the relationship. I caved in and sometime down the line I realised it wasn't about me not getting to be independent and experiment - it was at heart about my feelings not being deep enough.

Since you're deeply in love, you'll struggle to admit this could be the case with her.
 

·
housecat
Joined
·
83 Posts
Having been through breakups in the past, I would suggest kicking her out and not contacting her in the near future. Tell her you changed your mind about letting her stay because it's probably not such a good idea after a breakup, and give her a week or so to pack her bags and leave. Her debts aren't your problem and she'll find somewhere to live in the meantime. Plus… you're going to regret your generosity hugely if she ever brings home a guy that she met somewhere.

I don't feel that making her jealous (by seeing other women) is a mature response, but I know this: appearing needy or dependent will make you way more undesirable in her eyes, so don't be the boyfriend that is willing to do anything to make the relationship work. As hard as it sounds, you're going to have to accept that she's made her decision and you two will almost surely never be in a relationship together again. Only then can you begin moving on.

And you know what? It's hard to picture this now, but sooner or later you'll meet another girl, and 2 or 3 or 5 years down the road you'll look back on this experience and be grateful she broke it off early: you say you love her and I don't doubt that, but do you really want to be with someone whose love for you is so superficial? No, you deserve more than that.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
136 Posts
Having been through breakups in the past, I would suggest kicking her out and not contacting her in the near future. Tell her you changed your mind about letting her stay because it's probably not such a good idea after a breakup, and give her a week or so to pack her bags and leave. Her debts aren't your problem and she'll find somewhere to live in the meantime. Plus… you're going to regret your generosity hugely if she ever brings home a guy that she met somewhere.

I don't feel that making her jealous (by seeing other women) is a mature response, but I know this: appearing needy or dependent will make you way more undesirable in her eyes, so don't be the boyfriend that is willing to do anything to make the relationship work. As hard as it sounds, you're going to have to accept that she's made her decision and you two will almost surely never be in a relationship together again. Only then can you begin moving on.

And you know what? It's hard to picture this now, but sooner or later you'll meet another girl, and 2 or 3 or 5 years down the road you'll look back on this experience and be grateful she broke it off early: you say you love her and I don't doubt that, but do you really want to be with someone whose love for you is so superficial? No, you deserve more than that.
I agree with that. Once the relationship is over and the pain goes away, you´ll move on easier if you handle it this way.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top