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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

About 2 months ago my then GF of 3 years broke up with me.

Her reasons for breaking up with me were that she felt guilty over certain circumstances in our relationship, and one day when i was talking to a lady friend of mine that reminded her of herself she realised i could easily get another girl without the circumstances she feels guilty over.

Now these circumstances she feels guilty about are the long distance which will require me to sooner or later give up my life here and move to her side of the country.
The second thing she feels guilty about are her mental issues (phobias) which cause her to be afraid of moving the relationship to the next level, that being me moving and her living in with me. So she feels she is holding me back till she's ready for that.

For the past 2 months we have basically been "friends-with-benefits" and every time i try to talk with her about it, which is about once or twice a week, she seems to close up and be resistant about it.

So, about 2 weeks ago i figured it was time to cut back on the affection, intimacy and attention i give her. The effect on her was almost immediate, she was already suffering from a depression and this made it worse till she started having thoughts about selfharming. So she went to her therapist who talked her through it. I am unclear about the details but she said the therapist concluded she still wants my love and feels even more worthless without it.

So i dropped the "low contact" approach for a week to give her time to stabilize. Now she seems more stable and tonight i talked to her about it and she said that she currently feels it's unlikely we'll be a couple again in the future but that every time she got close to wanting to talk about fixing things i already beat her to it and brought it up ahead of time which she said seemed to "reset" her wish to want to talk about it. It's kinda hard to not bring it up for me. When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

Now i am doubting what to do. I think i can either be supportive of her and keep giving her love and attention, and having it mostly returned, and wait for her to bring up the subject of fixing our relationship. I might run the risk of being a crutch till she starts dating others.

Or i can pull back and let her miss me and 'starve' her of attention/affection/intimacy till she wants to talk about fixing her reasons for breaking up with me. But i might run the risk of her jumping into a rebound relationship insted. Me pulling back last time actually made her think her feelings of being nothing special were confirmed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hah, no i'm afraid something like that will not work. We talked about the future numerous times the past years, and marriage is something we both certainly were looking forward to, but only after we had lived together for a year or so.

And living together is only possible once she's ready for that, the past year or two she's been working towards that but she feels guilty about "making me wait" and keeping us in a medium/long distance relationship till then. I never made a problem out of this but she did take some suggestions i made as pressure, which i tried to set strait but im unsure if it made any difference in her mind.

She also thinks i might become homesick and unhappy if i move to her side of the country and see my family/friends only once a month or so. Again i tried to tell her it would only be hard for a month or two till i get myself settled in. But her own experiences with moving to a different country make her think i would be unhappy.

Both these circumstances built up lots of guilt in her the past year, and that exploded when she saw me interacting with a girl who in her view is a carbon copy of her, though i firmly disagree with that. She literally stated i would be better off dating this lady friend of mine. :eek:
 

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Just because you give her a ring doesnt mean that you have to marry her ASAP or at all. It just means at this stage you cant see spending your life with someone else. It just means commitment.

Women are after commitment more then anything. Her feelings have nothing to do with you. Somewhere deep in her women mind, deep within the oceans of her thoughts, she needs this commitment.

when she saw you with another these thoughts became real.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Just because you give her a ring doesnt mean that you have to marry her ASAP or at all. It just means at this stage you cant see spending your life with someone else. It just means commitment.

Women are after commitment more then anything. Her feelings have nothing to do with you. Somewhere deep in her women mind, deep within the oceans of her thoughts, she needs this commitment.

when she saw you with another these thoughts became real.
Thank you for your reply, but from the talks i had with her, she currently doesnt see herself being able to commit herself to me because of the guilt she feels over what she thinks she is "putting me through".

Proposing to her is not a solution to dealing with this needless guilt. And as i mentioned we are not at that stage yet and proposing to her would only aggrevate the situation. I am 99% certain of that.

She first needs to be motivated to come forward and talk/deal with her issues about feeling guilty, and not feeling special enough as a result. The question is which approach will be most effective or safe.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Okay

Let me ask you this and answer honestly

Do you want to marry this woman, be honest
Yes.

This woman is the kindest soul i ever met, and extremely caring about me. The little things she does to make me happy are very touching and she is extremely intelligent. And i love how we share the same hobbies but have different angles on them so there is plenty of fun things to talk about.

Her mental issues are normally never a problem or a hinderance to us being happy together. Until this point where she seems to think she's ruining my life by making me wait till she's ready for the next level.

So, you are suggesting taking it to the next 2-3 levels, while she's feeling guilty over needing time before she's ready to take it to the next level and mistaking gentle attempts to help as pressure. ...seems kinda like the worst thing to do at the moment if im honest.
 

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Yes.

This woman is the kindest soul i ever met, and extremely caring about me. The little things she does to make me happy are very touching and she is extremely intelligent. And i love how we share the same hobbies but have different angles on them so there is plenty of fun things to talk about.

Her mental issues are normally never a problem or a hinderance to us being happy together. Until this point where she seems to think she's ruining my life by making me wait till she's ready for the next level.

So, you are suggesting taking it to the next 2-3 levels, while she's feeling guilty over needing time before she's ready to take it to the next level and mistaking gentle attempts to help as pressure.
I am telling you dude, i have seen this before, Its a commitment issue

Look why does she feel guilty over the relationship, because she feels she isnt good enough for you right. She feels she is not good enough for you, and when she saw you with another girl, she felt that she will lose you because she doesnt have a lot of self esteem

She feels she is unworthy of you, and part of this is because you have not made any commitment towards her. 3 years is a long time for a woman, So her self esteem issues are begining to creep up. she feels she is going to lose you anyways because you will move on to someone better so she is trying to cut the connection herself now.

Bottom line, by giving her a ring, you will show her that she is worthy of having you, It will solve this
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
She feels she is unworthy of you, and part of this is because you have not made any commitment towards her.
I have been in a relationship with her for 3 years. The past 2,5 years i have been ready to quit my job, pack my stuff and get an apparatment in her hometown to be with her 24/7, only to be held back by her not being able to take the step of moving in with someone else.

The reason she feels guilty is because she knows i have been commited to her and faithfully waiting for her to be ready for the next step. She literally stated it was unfair for her to hold me back while i have been patiently waiting for her to be ready. But she's dealing with some issues that prevent her from being ready for that. But these are phobias that are not related to relationship commitment but panic attacks and anxiety.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I discovered she also feels guilty over the break up and the pain that caused me, aswell as feeling guilty over making me fall in love with her when 3 years ago she liked me and started "chasing me" to get noticed in my eyes.

Boy she sure feels guilty about a lot of stuff she shouldnt. :um
 

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I discovered she also feels guilty over the break up and the pain that caused me, aswell as feeling guilty over making me fall in love with her when 3 years ago she liked me and started "chasing me" to get noticed in my eyes.

Boy she sure feels guilty about a lot of stuff she shouldnt. :um
women exegarate emotions
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Question:

You say you see her once a week, but she lives on the other side of the country. Is this "seeing her" over skype or something similar, or do you go visit one another fairly often?
Hmm, no i think i said i talked to her about the problem about once or twice a week. We still have pretty much daily contact through MSN/Skype, though far less than before the break of course.

Her hometown is just over the border in another country, about 3-4 hours away.

She has to visit the uni campus in my hometown 1 day a week and usually stays at that uni's campus during the weekends. It is during these weekends when we still hang out or get together sometimes.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I see.

Well, as much as it may suck I guess the only thing you can do is just give her some time and space. All of us here understand needing some time alone to gather our thoughts and how to explain them. It sounds like she gets really overwhelmed when you bring it up every week, so I'd stop that and let her bring it up when she is ready.

The truth is you aren't going to change how she feels - she needs to do that herself. And perhaps the only way for her to do that is by taking this break, not talking about it every single week, and comign to you when she is ready.

#1 thing I can't say enough here is that you need to NOT stress her about this. Let her come to you. Bringing it up every week is not a good idea.
Indeed, my heartache and wish to be with her again have made me want to reassure her and take away her guilt, i wish to be happy with her again.

But you are correct, the past 3-4 days i havent brought it up, and i have 'pulled back' a bit. Of course i still try to seem cheerful and pleasant to talk to, and do not ignore her, but i stopped chasing her for attention and not mention the future or how i feel etc.
 
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