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I liked this. I noticed you used some alliteration in the first few paragraphs to add to the descriptions. The conversation flowed very smoothly and I thought less about the "writer" and more about the story as I read. I liked the use of "shock value" here and there too.

From my perspective (not a professional writer, mind you), the flow seemed especially good from the point Johnny pulls up and onwards. I get the impression Johnny is based on someone you know (if not, it's a believable fictional character). Enjoyed.
 

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Ebeneezer said:
I liked this. I noticed you used some alliteration in the first few paragraphs to add to the descriptions. The conversation flowed very smoothly and I thought less about the "writer" and more about the story as I read. I liked the use of "shock value" here and there too.

From my perspective (not a professional writer, mind you), the flow seemed especially good from the point Johnny pulls up and onwards. I get the impression Johnny is based on someone you know (if not, it's a believable fictional character). Enjoyed.
thanks, it's basically the first and only draft (lol). i'm just having run so my rewrites are just simple edits to the language. i don't know if the shock value approach was effective. i wanted to invoke a certain mood but the curtain thing just seemed nonsensical, even though i wanted to relate it to the larger theme. johnny and tom are just figments of my imagination. i really can't say i have any friends of my own that are as close to me as these two guys but then these two guys are vehicles for the theme, which is why they're so "close' but then i don't know if making the entire story the symbol for the theme was a good idea.

thanks for the nice words.
 
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