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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

I think i posted this in the wrong section and it did not getting accepted. Anyway...I hardly ever post here but i thought I would this time. A couple of weeks ago, I thought it was a turning point for me in my life. I have always been distant and isolated. I have no friends or any close relationships. You can pretty much classify my personality trait as being a "loner" or one who does not like to interact with people or as little as possible. I try to somewhat blend in and attempt to make conversions etc and people don't see the real me, but deep down I know each and every social experience is agonizing and feels unnatural. It's like a mask or persona i have to put on every time. Being 27, i feel like I am getting older and have a deadline to meet before being a loner till eternity.

Anyway, back on topic, what happened was there was this girl i liked at the local cafe where i grab my daily coffee. For the past couple of months, there's been constant jokes here and there from her friends about her and how she likes me. Being SA, i thought it couldn't be possibly true for anyone to be even remotely attracted to me in anyway shape or form. Anyway, i managed to get her number after 5 whole months. So i texted her one night and that's when there was a spark. We basically couldn't stop talking for several days. She wouldn't leave me alone and at times i felt as if she was obsessed with me. We at some nights talked well into the morning 3-4am.

We had many interests in common and had the same views and outlooks in life. She was really impressed with me about how I had my life on track and how I had everything going for me and how she "looked" up to me and how i was more mature. I explained the only thing i had missing in my life was a companion. But deep down, i had many other problems. However, when talking to her I could feel a genuine connection. This was all a good feeling, I just felt like this girl had brightened up my life and everyday I could feel myself overcoming every form of anxiety and the issues that i constantly face in my life. I felt more confident.

I organized one day for our first "formal" date. This was just a coffee nothing more. She seemed very keen although had a few self confidence issues of her self, she kept iterating that she wasn't at my level and that I would reject her after meeting with her and that she didn’t look attractive and that I would turn her down etc.

This "date", we chatted for a couple of hours. I felt it all went well. This is when i felt down hill for some reason. I texted her as soon as we met and explained how i liked spending time with her. I didn't get a response till how about 2-3 hours later. Anyway, she said she felt the same and really liked me etc etc. So i asked if we could meet again and do something else. She said yes, and we arranged to go watch a movie next weekend.

So, for the following nights after the date we texted. I felt a different vibe. I felt as if she wasn't interested as she was in the past few weeks. I kept asking if she really liked me and if anything has changed, she said NO NO, i really liked having coffee with you etc etc and want to meet again and that she still felt the same way. We talked over the phone, I could feel a mutual connection and so could she.

Anyway, that week she had a few "phone issues" and would rarely talk. I texted her and there was perhaps a four day gap since i last received a response. She texted back after the fifth day of silence and said she hasn't heard anything back from me blah blah blah. Anyway, i attempt to make contact to no avail.

Then finally, the day we were suppose to meet she texts me back a message to what could be explained as the most agonizing text messages in my life. Saying this:

"I have been really busy lately, sorry i couldn't get back to you my life is getting unpredictable and i'm not sure if I will be available as much as you want me to for this relationship to work. It's unfair to keep you waiting." She then says how her weekends tied with all the work she has to do.,

????? So what i take from this is a dump message.


I try to justify my stance and say I am patient, I won't force you into anything and that we can take it slow and if you're not interested to let me know.

I asked her if could have a talk to her, she ignores my messages.

From what i gathered, she has a part time job, rarely goes out and has even admitted to having not much of a life. I could see that. For someone to get busy as this, seems very unreasonable and is basically a rejection.

I feel now i'm in a position, where I have waited 27 years for this random opportunity, felt as though I made a genuine connection, made plans with her only for it to backfire on me. The worst thing NOW is overanalyzing it and constantly think I'll never meet anyone again because my social barriers are non-existent. I feel my life is over and will be alone forever

What do you guys think? Did she just didn’t like me when we met in person and maybe so was too affraid to admit it or was her reasoning of having a busy life reasonable and genuine?
 

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First off I'd like to say I'm very sorry you had to go through this :(.

She could have been telling the truth and she could have been lying. Chances are, unless you randomly meet up with her at that coffee shop again and have an opportunity to talk about it, you'll never find out :(.

From what you told me it certainly sounds fishy that she's so busy out of nowhere. And that seems like a very generic, vague response that you would tell someone just to get away from them. But, from what you wrote I can also deduce that she didn't stop seeing you necessarily because she didn't like you. It just sounds like something got in the way, something you don't know about. But that's very unfortunate, I'm very sorry, and I certainly hope the best for you in the future cause you seem like a good enough guy. Good Luck :)
 

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From what I gather, I would say she isn't interested, or at least in a serious relationship, anyways. It's something I would say to gently let someone down if I wasn't interested in pursuing anything further than a friendship.

Don't stress over this one. I'm sure that there are plenty fish in the sea who would be thinking about you all day, and impatiently waiting for your texts rather than sending you such distant ones. You deserve much better. You're better off alone than having left with people who play such games with you, or are so cold towards you, honestly.
 

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So, for the following nights after the date we texted. I felt a different vibe. I felt as if she wasn't interested as she was in the past few weeks. I kept asking if she really liked me and if anything has changed, she said NO NO, i really liked having coffee with you etc etc and want to meet again and that she still felt the same way. We talked over the phone, I could feel a mutual connection and so could she.
Based on what you have written, it sounds like maybe you came across as a bit too needy. It is crucial to respect the person's space/boundaries, especially at such an early stage. You guys were not a couple, only dating. And to text her repeatedly asking for reassurance can be a very big burden to place on someone when you are just getting to know them like that.

Dating is just dating. It is a way to see if you are compatible with another person before you take the next step and call it a relationship. It's important to not put all your eggs in one basket, and try to force things too much at that early stage.

From what i gathered, she has a part time job, rarely goes out and has even admitted to having not much of a life. I could see that. For someone to get busy as this, seems very unreasonable and is basically a rejection.
Regardless of how much of a life she does or doesn't have, that doesn't mean that she still won't need personal space. It could be that she has gotten very busy. Life is not static, and things can change.

It is also possible that she has lost interest and doesn't want to hurt your feelings so is using that as an excuse. But there's no way to know for sure what her motives are. Only she can answer that.

I feel now i'm in a position, where I have waited 27 years for this random opportunity, felt as though I made a genuine connection, made plans with her only for it to backfire on me. The worst thing NOW is overanalyzing it and constantly think I'll never meet anyone again because my social barriers are non-existent. I feel my life is over and will be alone forever
I'm sorry you're going through this. :( The most important thing is to not give up hope. You will have other opportunities.

Just remember to take things casually and slowly next time. I think that sometimes people come on too strong b/c they feel that something has to happen, b/c they worry they won't get another chance. Text every other day at first. Let things develop naturally. I know it can be hard when you feel like every opportunity may be the last, but trust me, it won't be.
 

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I feel now i'm in a position, where I have waited 27 years for this random opportunity, felt as though I made a genuine connection, made plans with her only for it to backfire on me.
This raises a really interesting aspect of SA. Possibly the most important aspect, yet it hardly ever talked about, even here on the SAS board.

"Beware of the Backslide"

So much of SA advice is about getting the courage to go out there and try to make connections with people, and it doesn't matter if you make the connection or not, as long as you try. Hip hip hooray!

But the part that people don't talk about is, what do you do when you make a connection and then things fall apart. If you are unprepared (as most of us are) you take a backslide into SA, probably deeper into SA than before, because now you have it in the back of your head "even if I make a connection it probably won't last, what's the point?"

But I'll tell you the point: "This girl sounds psycho, that's why she is acting this way, it has nothing to do with you."

Your story is a victory story, you met a girl you liked, you talked to her, asked her out and even impressed her to the point that she thinks you are too good for her.

DO NOT LET ANYONE (not even her) TAKE THAT VICTORY AWAY FROM YOU!!!!

If she didn't like you she would not have taken the relationship with you as far as she did. So you can give up the notion that no one would ever date you.

You hit a homerun the first time at bat, maybe you don't know how you did it, but the fact that you did it once means you can do it again, hell you'll probably be really good at it once you get some practice. (Hopefully you can come back here and give the rest of us advice).

That's the good part of the story.

The bad part of the story is this girl has some issues. Based on the story I would guess her issue is anxiety too, perhaps not social anxiety but some kind of anxiety. The whole "busy at work" yeah that's BS, but she invested way too much time in you to just drop you without even giving a phone call.

At least that's how I see it, others see it differently, but what she is going through doesn't really matter. What matter's is how you deal with it. Don't obsess over it, just take it for what it was, a few nice dates. Don't get too emotionally invested in any girl until you know she is just as invested.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I accidentally closed the window with my reply in it :(

Honestly, I didn't think anyone would read my long-winded essay. Thank you all for the kind words it is much appreciated. It has certainly helped me look at this from a different perspective.

I definitely agree with the fact that I may have come across a bit too clingy and face-paced which may have scared her off. I should have taken it easy and maybe just took everything as it came along naturally. The moment we got a long, we both felt a genuine connection, with my SA, my age and to fit in with society I kind of wanted to fast track this as soon as possible and make it a strong relationship and from there on, all else would follow. I accept the mistake I made which was having too high expectations and hopes from the beginning which may have been the reason for the down fall.

hmnut, I definitely feel prod of my victory. She even at some point in time said I was out of her "league" and that she was a low life coffee maker and that I was a business man having my life ahead of me. When i came into get my coffee apparently she thought she had "no chance" is the reason she didn't initiate. I was even called the sweetest guy she has ever met. She was at times getting a bit to ahead of her self and stressing about the fact that my parents wouldn't approve of her etc. So you can say it wasn't only me and perhaps I was a bit lead on unintentionally.

She has self-esteem issues deep down inside from what I could tell. She has never been in a relationship (she admitted this). I told her how beautiful she looked on the day. She wouldn't take a compliment until i basically forced it down on her and even then she thought it was a joke. The night on the day we met, we spoke about the day and she said she "loved it". But for some reason she said because she was younger (3 years to be exact) and she was taking in everything and laughing at it(??)

In terms of me personally, I have been recovering from the heartbreak with each day getting better and forgetting about her. However, on the back of my mind I still think about the last couple of messages i sent to her in reply to her "Don't have the time" message in hope for a reply. I will not text her anymore and leave the ball in her court. I don't want to come across anymore obsessed than i probably may seem. It still puzzles me about the response I received and ultimately I would never know the reasoning behind it other than to think I wouldn't want someone as unpredictable as her and I am grateful that it was only 2 weeks and not 2 years of knowing her.

It is going to be a long road to recovery but someday I will get over this and think why I went through the agony when I meet the right person that would be as serious as me about the outlook I have in life.

hmnut, the point you raise in the ending of my post has been giving me head miles. She obsessed, texted me non stop and then all of sudden stopped one day? :sus I will never know the reasoning behind this :/

In conclusion:

When dating, have low expectations. Allow the relationship to build slowly by allowing it to blossom naturally.
 

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This raises a really interesting aspect of SA. Possibly the most important aspect, yet it hardly ever talked about, even here on the SAS board.

"Beware of the Backslide"

So much of SA advice is about getting the courage to go out there and try to make connections with people, and it doesn't matter if you make the connection or not, as long as you try. Hip hip hooray!

But the part that people don't talk about is, what do you do when you make a connection and then things fall apart. If you are unprepared (as most of us are) you take a backslide into SA, probably deeper into SA than before, because now you have it in the back of your head "even if I make a connection it probably won't last, what's the point?"
very good point. i have thought about this myself.
 

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I have this happen to me all the time. I'll finally make a connection with someone only to have them suddenly drop out on me, won't return calls or txts etc.

It's frustrating, and the "backslide" makes it even worse. In my case I get very depressed after.

In this case, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think it is most likely a self-esteem issue on her end.
 

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Oh, and kudos for making a date in the "real world". I can honestly say I've never gotten the nerve to do that. Don't let this setback get you down.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I have this happen to me all the time. I'll finally make a connection with someone only to have them suddenly drop out on me, won't return calls or txts etc.

It's frustrating, and the "backslide" makes it even worse. In my case I get very depressed after.

In this case, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think it is most likely a self-esteem issue on her end.
It must be something that ticks them off when they no longer respond or return calls/txts. It's either:

A) Found someone else
B) The whole relationship thing isn't for them and they much prefer to back to the way the were, single. Humans are amazing, sometimes when we finally have the thing that we want most we much prefer to revert ourselves to the way we were use to and accustom to for some reason or another.
C) No longer interested or something we did/said that turned them off

I might also add that I am nearing my accutane treatment. Depression at the very moment has been at its highest peak in the past few weeks. This was a major backslide for me. I was really looking forward to spending this Christmas season with my significant other that I have been ever-seeking.

SAgirl, i think you have it in the bag there. As mentioned before, the excuse given is a generically, weak excuse to let someone go lightly without divulging into details about the reasoning of not wanting to be with that other person. It just came to me as a huge shock, seeing as though I actually would have been the one to dump her seeing because I was in completely above her, but i choose to forget that and put her self at my level regardless of where she was in life. She was even texting me the countdown at 4am of when we were going to meet on the day and being anxious about me dumping her after the first date.

The reasoning? All we can do is speculate. I suspect she has anxiety issues of some sort.

I have yet to get any form of response. I would rather much be a loner than feeling heartbroken :afr
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I have this happen to me all the time. I'll finally make a connection with someone only to have them suddenly drop out on me, won't return calls or txts etc.

It's frustrating, and the "backslide" makes it even worse. In my case I get very depressed after.

In this case, I don't think you did anything wrong. I think it is most likely a self-esteem issue on her end.
It must be something that ticks them off when they no longer respond or return calls/txts. It's either:

A) Found someone else
B) The whole relationship thing isn't for them and they much prefer to back to the way the were, single. Humans are amazing, sometimes when we finally have the thing that we want most we much prefer to revert ourselves to the way we were use to and accustom to for some reason or another.
C) No longer interested or something we did/said that turned them off

I might also add that I am nearing my accutane treatment. Depression at the very moment has been at its highest peak in the past few weeks. This was a major backslide for me. I was really looking forward to spending this Christmas season with my significant other that I have been ever-seeking.

SAgirl, i think you have it in the bag there. As mentioned before, the excuse given is a generically, weak excuse to let someone go lightly without divulging into details about the reasoning of not wanting to be with that other person. It just came to me as a huge shock, seeing as though I actually would have been the one to dump her seeing because I was in completely above her, but i choose to forget that and put her self at my level regardless of where she was in life. She was even texting me the countdown at 4am of when we were going to meet on the day and being anxious about me dumping her after the first date.

The reasoning? All we can do is speculate. I suspect she has anxiety issues of some sort.

I have yet to get any form of response. I would rather much be a loner than feeling heartbroken
 
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