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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Im new to this. Have not yet been diagnosed with this phobia. But I did a bit of reasearch and i know in my heart that this is it.
Growing up i was an active person always on the go and doing stuff with my friends. I was extreamly shy when i ment new people. Back then it was easier to relate. As i grew up i started dating, obiviously. My first relationship i was head over heals for the guy. But we fought constintly. He never tore me down as a human. Always understood where i was coming from. My second relationship was kind of a rebound from my first one. I did not love the guy although i said i did. We dated for about 4 months and he got the hint as i kept changing my mind through out our relationship. My third realtionship is by far the most painful experience i've ever been in. I wish i knew where to start with this one. Let me just say he abused me mentally. Made me believe we were actually in love when in all reality i knew i didnt want a relationship. That wasn't the only thing he made me believe. He also made me believe that i was literally dumb, literally. During this relationship we did experiment on a drug called 2ce. It's a psychedelic drug. While on this i was vunerable to believe in something. He was really good with his words and how he put them together. About 2 months into our relationship he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was all about expanding his self worth towards others. He tore me down in front of his friends telling them i wasn't talking because i was shy. He would sit there and talk about me to his friends right in front of me because he knew i was mentally uncapeable to defend myself. It gave him a sence of pride. He always talked me into going to his friends house when in the begining i knew i wouldn't have fun. I was the only one with the car and he lives right down the road from me. I felt like i didn't have a way out i felt like i was being trapped into a relationship i didn't want to be in. I feel like the only reason i stayed was because he told me if i left it ment i didn't care about his problems and he said he was going to get better since he was diagnosed i've seen absoutly no change in him since.

Anyways after i ended that i became extreamly shy. Everyone i was around i felt compleatly awkward. Over this past summer i went to a few music festivals in northern Michigan. What i went through is almost unexplainable. Let's just say, while on LSD my personal problems and shyness/awkwardness came out of my bad trip. I baracated myself inside my car throughout the whole festival. I felt like i could not leave because my friend paid for my ticket. I felt trapted and i thought all my friends set me up for the goverment or whoever to come take me away because i was socially awkward. It got to the point where i had no where to turn. I started walking away from my camp site and relized the world is not safe. So i turned around and went back to my campsite and then i relized i don't know these people they will judge me. My car was the only place i felt safe. I had to get away. At one point i was sitting there amongst everone else i was camping with and a volenteer guy came up and i looked him dead in the eye and demanded the truth from him. I asked if he could tell me whats going on an if i was being taken away. I was constintly looking over my shoulders watching and waiting for the moment i was leaving planet earth.

After that painful experience i decided i will no longer do any type of hallucinations. As my life goes on without my ex in it. I tried to hang out with guys. The first time i hung out with this guy I felt like i had a bad trip all over again. The awkwardness and shyness came out again. There was one point my mind went compleatly blank when i was asked a simple question.

The experience is hard for one to deal with. I want to create relationships that are long lasting. I want bonds with people. I'm in the process of finding my spirtuallity and it's extreamly hard if one can't act thereself around others. I need help this is my rock bottom story.
 

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Good choice not doing anymore haullucigens, they sound really scary. I guess the only advice i can offer is to get proper help from a counseller or something.

The experience you suffered will feel painful and awkward for a few weeks maybe but eventually you will accept that it has happened and take preventative measures next time so that it doesn't.

On a lighter note welcome to the forums, read here as much as you can it's genuinely supportive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'm currently in the process of trying to find a councler. It's hard because i'm working 40 hr weeks. But i can't go through life with this anymore. I want help. I want to better myself so i can better others. Thank you for your reply. I will continue with these fourms for a stable enviorment to count on.
 

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Hey cmrouser welcome. :hyper
 

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Welcome, CMRouser! :)
 
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