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I swear I don't know what's gotten into me. I never used to be like this since before I started on meds in 2003. I'm guessing it has to do with not being out of the house all the time and not working for like the last 3 years...

I'm the captain of our sports team this year. I only joined last year because my brother needed players and it turned out to be a good decision to get some structure in my life. We lost some guys from last season's side and I showed too much bravado and decided to be captain. I didn't realise that I was throwing myself into the deep end and would be very vulnerable in the times where I have a depressive episode or was very anxious. Three days ago I was depressed and was going to quit the team. My brother gave me a serve and said I'd be letting everyone down and since we were short in numbers, we'd have to de-register. My dad ended up driving me to the Club President's home to sort all the admin out when I was meant to to it myself.

Well we had a meeting at a guys house last night (not the President's) to sort out all the registrations and other stuff. There was 7 guys (1 from each team), 3 whom I know from last year. During the whole meeting, pretty much from the time I left the house to drive there, I felt out of control. I couldn't relax there and my back was hunched and my throat was lumpy and hard to swallow which caused more anxiety. My cognition was hopeless and I spent most of the time looking at everyone else and watching their body language and just trying to look as 'normal' as possible. My mind was pre-occupied with crap and wasn't there. I was so self-conscious of not looking all weird and awkward to a point where it seemed pretty obvious to all that I was. I seriously didn't know what came over me, it was frustrating to be so uptight and strange. I noticed at times while I was staring around the table that one or two of the guys looked at me, as if to think "what the **** is wrong with this guy?". This is definately a new wave of anxiety I haven't experienced for many years and I ruminated over and over about it later on.

I now have the same lump in my throat and it's making me queezy and fidgety - in my own home ffs! I don't like having these awkward bodily sensations it feels very uncomfortable.

I'm not going to let this stop me. I don't care how dumb I look to everyone else when I'm very nervous like this or "not right" but I have faith that if I get myself out there it will eventually turn around and I'll get my confidence back and being captain will help with that. It provides responsibility and will teach me to understand I need to be depended on and need to be strong and make an effort. The anti-depressants will hopefully help with my depressive episodes which cause me to freefall out of control (I am gradually going on a higher dose) the rest is up to me.

Anxiety is a *****!
 

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sorry to hear ur having problems.
good to see ur taking a positive attitude about it.

doing something about it is always better than doing nothing
 
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