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Hi guys. I'm new here, and I'm really glad I found this forum. I've been keeping my ED and BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) issues to myself for the past several years because I didn't think anyone else would be able to understand the self-hatred and social anxiety I go through. I just want to vent to people who might understand.

I nearly flunked out of undergrad due to my BDD. Like I mentioned before, I would feel so disgusted and ashamed of how fat and ugly I thought I was to go out, so in my worst episodes, I would just skip classes for weeks at a time. Since attendance was important, I automatically failed several classes this way. My GPA got so low that I was in danger of being automatically kicked out of school with no probation period, but I somehow managed to salvage everything and graduate. Thank God.

I would spend hours scrutinizing my cheeks in the mirror and always ended up crying over my ugliness. There were times where my pain and hatred were driving me so crazy that I wanted to smash my head into the wall. I'd avoid going to events and hanging out with friends because I'd be too ashamed of how disgusting I was. I'd stay in my room and wallow over my ugliness instead, and it was always such a low, hopeless feeling.

I very recently lost my job due to BDD. Same as in undegrad, I felt too fat and ugly to be seen in public. This episode began when I binged on some damn cupcakes and cookies that my boyfriend had gotten for Valentine's Day, and I hate how I let food get the best of me. Whenever I'm consumed by my ugliness, I just don't give a crap about work or anything else. I just stayed home instead of going to work for about a week, and then I was just told I lost my job. It was stupid of me to do, but I didn't really care. I was more preoccupied with my appearance.

The funny thing is that I know I'm comparatively not that fat or ugly at all, but I'm still too fat and ugly for my own tastes. I have a great boyfriend I've been with over a year now, I graduated from a prestigious university, I'm intelligent, I'm talented, I have a great personality, and I'm athletic. (Just a few weeks ago, I completed my first full marathon and ran several half marathons before!) I know I've been blessed with all this, but I'm terrible for wasting all of it just because I'm so obsessed with how I look. I can't function if I know I look bad, and I just want this all to stop already.

TL;DR: I hate how fat and ugly I look, and this obsession with my appearance prevents me from doing anything else (school, work). I often isolate myself because I'm too ashamed to be seen by others.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. I just needed to let this out.
 

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Sorry to hear that.
No one has any more right to be around others than anyone else. You haven't done anything wrong, you are just as good and deserving as everyone else.
Remember that appearance is just an arbitrary, subjective and meaningless thing. You admit yourself that you look fine, so try to use that rationality when the negative thoughts come.
Welcome onto the forums by the way. :)
 

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Welcome, HeyJuliet! :)

Remember, BDD like SA is a perception/reaction disorder. How we think determines how we feel. It will take time, but we have to learn to correct our thinking so taht we don't have such a bad reaction to things.

Being sensitive is a blessing - but we have to learn to use it the right way so it doesn't feel like a curse!
 

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hi,HeyJuliet
thankyou for writing your post, its given me a small insight into how bulimia and BDD can affect someones life
 

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Hey HeyJuliet welcome. :hyper
 

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Hi Juliet, welcome to the forum,

BDD is a horrible illness. I hope you will recover, and you look very nice. Sorry you do not see it currently :)
 

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Hi Juliet,
I can commiserate with you about the whole bdd thing. I actually am very impressed you made it through college with it cause I allowed it to get the best of me and I flunked out. I also recently lost my job due to missing some unexcused absences as well but I am keeping my head up. As previous poster stated look very nice :) You are right its in your perception but it doesn't really help knowing it. If you wanna chat feel free to PM me. Welcome
 

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I'm sorry to hear about all the problems you have encountered in life so far. I have had similar struggles so far in college but I'm doing my best to succeed. I hope that you can find the help you need here. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks for the kind words of support everyone. :)

I'm sorry to hear about all the problems you have encountered in life so far. I have had similar struggles so far in college but I'm doing my best to succeed. I hope that you can find the help you need here. :)
You can do it! :)

It seems like you're the only one to dislike how you look. Do you have an idea why / since when? You look simply young and beautiful.
Thank you! It began when I was in college. I went to a prestigious university with really amazing students who on top of all their talents and accomplishments were very good-looking, too. Since I've always been competitive and perfectionistic, I think I just drove myself crazy trying to measure up.
 

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First of all welcome :)

Theres many people here who know how you feel, I am very self conscious of the way I look too, mainly my face over anything else. You look very nice in your profile pjcture, also you said you have a boyfriend so you can't be bad looking at all.
 

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Ah, Julliet, I know its all in how we see ourselves, but you are a beautiful young lady inside and out. Just the few exchanges we've shared and I can see your compassion and caring for others. :yes

When I was 28 I had Bell's Palsey (facial paralysis) that ended up being permanent. I was overweight til I was about 40, then I lost 75#. Kept it off for about 5 years, but then ended up gaining back 60. Then I quit smoking and gained another 40. ugh! Not long ago, I lost all but 4 of my teeth. So now fat, ugly, toothless - double ugh!! But you know what? its all good. I'm working on losing weight. I accept that I cannot change the Bell's Palsey so the crooked smile has just become part of my charm over these years ;) and I'll get dentures when I can afford to get them. In the meantime, I'm still me. Just like you are still the caring intelligent young lady you are.

I do realize how important our looks are, even tho they should not be, they're the first thing people notice, and when we feel ugly and fat we feel invisible, like people don't even notice we exist. I know that you have to FEEL your own beauty, but until you get there let me just tell you - you are beautiful. :D
Grammie
 

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you are far from ugly. you seem very good looking. This is from a person teased for being ugly all throughout school (I changed 6 schools) plus even by my own relatives. The only thing thats keeps me going is that remember if you lose yourself that means your losing against those haters. Peace
 
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