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I've been depressed since middle school. I have different waves of emotions that last months at a time. Sometimes I'm happy, this is rare, and even these times I feel anxious, sometimes I plunge into a dark depression, and most of the time I'm just plain okay but still with a hint of depression.
May of this year, I was doing okay, I was feeling all right. I didn't have any major problem, other then being jobless and not going to school, and I was turning 21, things were cool. So I barely know this girl, a friend of a friends younger sister. I kind of liked her, but it's weird because she's 17, but I find out she turns 18 about a week after I turn 21, so it's cool I guess. Now keep in mind I never had a girlfriend. I ask her to go see a movie, and we do, we talk on the bus on the way home from the movie. We continue to talk all the time over AIM. My friend tells me that she likes me. This is the first time ever for knowing that. So I ask her out on a date, but once the day comes for the date I wasn't able to get money for dinner and a movie. So we end up just chilling at her house. We smoke a bow and I feel comfortable, so I decide to ask her to be my girlfriend, her answer was "yea, we can give that a try." From then on I'm flying in my own mind. I never felt so happy. The next time we hang out is the 4th of July, I'm drunk as hell. Then the next time we hang out she tells me she just wants to be friends, my heart drops into my stomach. She asks if I'm okay, I lied and said yea. Why the hell do they ask this? They should know they're getting a lie. We hardly talk and go our separate ways. That night I asked her over AIM "At what point did you lose interest?" Her only response was that our conversations that we have online are different then we have in person, and when we hang out our personalities don't click. I tried explaining to her that she knew my real self online, it's just my social phobia makes it hard for me to open up in person. She never responded to that. I ended up telling her a few weeks later I decided not to be clingy because I want her to be happy, she thanked me, but let me know my friendship was valuable to her. That day when she told me she just wanted to be friends I plunged into a very dark depression, with the thought that I could get her back the whole time. This lasted until I found this board a few days ago. Now that I found other people that go through what I do I feels tons better, I'm even ready to move on from her. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it on occasion, but it doesn't effect me any more.
So any thoughts? advice? Anybody with similar experiences?
May of this year, I was doing okay, I was feeling all right. I didn't have any major problem, other then being jobless and not going to school, and I was turning 21, things were cool. So I barely know this girl, a friend of a friends younger sister. I kind of liked her, but it's weird because she's 17, but I find out she turns 18 about a week after I turn 21, so it's cool I guess. Now keep in mind I never had a girlfriend. I ask her to go see a movie, and we do, we talk on the bus on the way home from the movie. We continue to talk all the time over AIM. My friend tells me that she likes me. This is the first time ever for knowing that. So I ask her out on a date, but once the day comes for the date I wasn't able to get money for dinner and a movie. So we end up just chilling at her house. We smoke a bow and I feel comfortable, so I decide to ask her to be my girlfriend, her answer was "yea, we can give that a try." From then on I'm flying in my own mind. I never felt so happy. The next time we hang out is the 4th of July, I'm drunk as hell. Then the next time we hang out she tells me she just wants to be friends, my heart drops into my stomach. She asks if I'm okay, I lied and said yea. Why the hell do they ask this? They should know they're getting a lie. We hardly talk and go our separate ways. That night I asked her over AIM "At what point did you lose interest?" Her only response was that our conversations that we have online are different then we have in person, and when we hang out our personalities don't click. I tried explaining to her that she knew my real self online, it's just my social phobia makes it hard for me to open up in person. She never responded to that. I ended up telling her a few weeks later I decided not to be clingy because I want her to be happy, she thanked me, but let me know my friendship was valuable to her. That day when she told me she just wanted to be friends I plunged into a very dark depression, with the thought that I could get her back the whole time. This lasted until I found this board a few days ago. Now that I found other people that go through what I do I feels tons better, I'm even ready to move on from her. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it on occasion, but it doesn't effect me any more.
So any thoughts? advice? Anybody with similar experiences?