[Darkjackwolf]

I've been depressed since middle school. I have different waves of emotions that last months at a time. Sometimes I'm happy, this is rare, and even these times I feel anxious, sometimes I plunge into a dark depression, and most of the time I'm just plain okay but still with a hint of depression.

May of this year, I was doing okay, I was feeling all right. I didn't have any major problem, other then being jobless and not going to school, and I was turning 21, things were cool. So I barely know this girl, a friend of a friends younger sister. I kind of liked her, but it's weird because she's 17, but I find out she turns 18 about a week after I turn 21, so it's cool I guess. Now keep in mind I never had a girlfriend. I ask her to go see a movie, and we do, we talk on the bus on the way home from the movie. We continue to talk all the time over AIM. My friend tells me that she likes me. This is the first time ever for knowing that. So I ask her out on a date, but once the day comes for the date I wasn't able to get money for dinner and a movie. So we end up just chilling at her house. We smoke a bow and I feel comfortable, so I decide to ask her to be my girlfriend, her answer was "yea, we can give that a try." From then on I'm flying in my own mind. I never felt so happy. The next time we hang out is the 4th of July, I'm drunk as hell. Then the next time we hang out she tells me she just wants to be friends, my heart drops into my stomach. She asks if I'm okay, I lied and said yea. Why the hell do they ask this? They should know they're getting a lie. We hardly talk and go our separate ways. That night I asked her over AIM "At what point did you lose interest?" Her only response was that our conversations that we have online are different then we have in person, and when we hang out our personalities don't click. I tried explaining to her that she knew my real self online, it's just my social phobia makes it hard for me to open up in person. She never responded to that. I ended up telling her a few weeks later I decided not to be clingy because I want her to be happy, she thanked me, but let me know my friendship was valuable to her. That day when she told me she just wanted to be friends I plunged into a very dark depression, with the thought that I could get her back the whole time. This lasted until I found this board a few days ago. Now that I found other people that go through what I do I feels tons better, I'm even ready to move on from her. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it on occasion, but it doesn't effect me any more.

So any thoughts? advice? Anybody with similar experiences?

 

[Hoofservant]

I've been there, it's really not fun. A few years ago I dated a friend of a friend for a brief period who I absolutely adored in a way only a teenage girl can. Like you, I was able to be myself online, but he became really impatient when I told him it would take awhile before I'd be comfortable enough to be myself around him. He strung me along, not explicitly saying it was fine, but kind of having a "wait and see" attitude about it all to my face, while running his mouth about how I was too quiet and just generally complaining about me behind my back. When I found out what he was doing I immediately dumped him, but I'm grateful that I learned that particular lesson in a relationship I didn't plug too much time and effort into. Now I won't bother with a guy unless he's clearly patient enough to wait for me to come around. I'm glad to hear you sound like you're ready to move on and didn't end up once bitten twice shy like I was.

 

[organicwildroot]

I think keeping your distance is definitely the wise thing to do. You took the initiative to ask her to be your girlfriend and thats something many of us would never have the courage to do. So it didn't work out like you had hoped but you probably learned that she's really shallow. Even though you like her, she hardly spent anytime with you to really make that kind of judgement upon you. At least that's what I gather from the thread, looks like you saw her once or twice since you asked her to be your girlfriend. After that short of time she suddenly doesn't want to. Just act like her friend and nothing more, definitely keep your distance as much as you can. The other thing is that maybe she suddenly had anxiety about seeing you. Sounds to me like she's really comfortable talking to you online but not so much in person. Of course she's going to think it's all because of you but really she's probably just as scared as you are. Oh well, there are better fish in the sea.

 

[Darkjackwolf]

The funny thing is after that we pretty much stopped talking almost all together on AIM. She just doesn't get online any more.

 

[organicwildroot]

That's probably a good thing though. Just let her go and let her skip away thinking she did the right thing. The good thing is that your not incapable of getting a girlfriend, obviously she wanted to date you at one point but she got scared and backed out. She barely gave you any time at all to let you get close to her.

 

[Darkjackwolf]

Well, even when she did get on AIM I'd wait for her to say something first, and, well, she never did, so oh well. It's weird though, cause all though I felt like she made me go from ok to just plain awful, I'm still glad I had those few days with her, it was nice. I miss the subtle things, like her text messages that woke me up in the morning, or the time she caught me looking at her and for the first time in my whole life I didn't look away, I just kept my gaze and looked into her eyes for what felt like forever. I'm greatful for those small things, but I'm ready to move on.
I just need to find someone else, which is the hard part.

 

[Darkjackwolf]

I'd like to ask if you can challenge yourself to something.

Can you convince yourself that someday you'll meet a nice girl that will understand and accept your SA?

Then, use that knowledge that you will be in a happy position again someday to perhaps allow yourself to be happy now and until that someday comes?

What do you think?

I have actually convinced myself that, but it is hard for that to make me happy now. IDK, I have been feeling better lately because it seems like that may happen sooner then later, I don't know why I think that, maybe because I found this board.