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Just being sensetive really but it's annoying. Just wanted to get it off my chest for a minute. Been stressed about my boyfriend and scared about getting close to him and scared that I've wrecked it by not getting close to him and he's been distant and I'm scared of losing him etc. Today he kind of let on that he's going through something and I think he's lost someone close. I didn't want to pry because it's a very touchy subject so just said I'm sorry and you know you can talk to me if you want to... I just left it at that which I thought was best. Then a friend was just asking how things are with him and I explained in a nutshell because she knows I've been upset that he's been distant. I said I don't know for certain what's going on with him and she said just ask him, how can you have a relationship when you don't share things... It really upset me that she said that, actually upset me. Because I'm feeling fragile about things with him and I don't share things with friends that's the most I have and I wish I hadn't said that to her. I know he doesn't like talking about things especially if it's that personal and he knows I can't really talk about things well, I think it just slows things down a little and we'll deal with it. I shouldn't have said to her because now I'm getting paranoid about what I've said and if I should give him space or stay in touch. It's just a personal thing so it's touchy.

My anxiety's just getting worse again I feel it all the time and beat myself up about every single thing I do or say or feel. I feel it every movement I make and every word I say. I feel really weak and feeble because of it wish I could be stronger. And I'm so sick of hearing about sex at the moment because I feel like a freak for how I've been about it.

I've been doing ok at work and was thinking that working in retail had been making me a bit stronger. But not lately, I feel like crap. Just one thing that made me feel awkward and it's soured the whole day. My manager went to close the shutter and told me to stop anyone coming in (I hate doing things like that) this one woman looked really pissed off and she goes "You close at 8!!" it was about twenty to but there's another entrance so we're having this conversation through the window and I feel like a tit, I looked at my manager to help me and she didn't. So I awkwardly explained she can still use the other entrance and she's like "I have to go all the way outside?!"... I mean really, is it going to physically hurt her going outside. I just felt like a moron because I knew my manager was stood there and just kept trying to explain that no we have to close this door now. I was looking at my manager because I was unsure whether she'd open it to let her in but she didn't. Then the woman walked off pissed with ME and said to her friend really loud about me "she was laughing at me as well" Why would I laugh at her? I don't find things like that particularly amusing but maybe because I was extremely nervous. Which is embarassing... I felt like crying after that lol. So... I found that embarassing and unnecessary but hey.

I feel like I'm stuck and alone I should be thinking I've gotten somewhere, I've got a job and a boyfriend and things have been going better I've been somewhat in control. But no because I can't do anything right so it's not good and not right. I wreck it. I hate myself when things like this happen. And everything seems to be going wrong around me I can't seem to get anything right. Regrets, regrets. Need to stop thinking.
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