[april showers]

So I'm told that I'm very pretty, nice, and smart alot of times. And on good days when I feel sure of myself, I tend to feel that it's true. Thing is that on most days, I feel what seems to be the core of my SA: That no one would really like to waste time with me when there are more funny, outgoing, and I guess, "normal" people out there. This is a huge cause of my avoidant behaviour.

Now one thing that's been bugging me for a while is how I act around guys. I've never been asked out by a guy. Of course I've heard the same tune about how shy girls come off as not intrested. I guess it makes sense. But there are girls who are like me in personality, looks, and shyness who had some guy like them. But what gets me even more is that I've never really had a guy friend. While almost every other girl I know has had two or three. I've been able to have aquantinces that are guys. Guys who I talk to in class or friends of friends, but no one who I talk to outside of class.

I don't really know the exact reason why I can't feel as comfortable around guys as other girls. I guess one reason would have to be that I've been bullied alot in my early teens by guys (and girls too). Especially in terms of my looks and awkwardness. ( I was a real ugly duckling back then).
Also I have this stupid fear that a guy might think that I have a crush on him, whether it's true or not, if I act really friendly or make and extra effort to contact him outside of whatever setting I usually see him at.

It's a dumb fear, I know, and people usually tell me that anyone would be flattered to find out that someone has a crush on them. But this goes back to my original "no one wants to be with me" attitude. I feel that if it were any other girl they'd be flattered, but with me it would be different. Instead they'd be disgusted that someone like me actually likes them and would probably laugh about it to their friends, treat me like crap, think I'm a creeper, or keep far away from me.

There's a character in a book I used to read as a kid "Anne of Green Gables" who is a shy, kind old man with major phobia of women. He feels that women are secretly mocking him. In a way I feel the same way, except it's a phobia of men.
As a result I keep my distance, or sometimes act cold towards a guy right out. Not to mention I have major anxiety when it comes to having to go up to a group of guys around my age. And at times when I make myself look and act friendly, girls have no problem talking to me, but most guys ignore me and talk to other guys or a girl they already know.

Sorry if it's really long. I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to at least be able to get along with the opposite sex. I feel abnormal not being able to do so. Am I the only one who feels this way? How do you deal with such a fear?

 

[sadie08]

I totally get how you're feeling. I'm not sure how old you are - still in highschool or maybe college I take it? The whole message you are sending yourself, the negative core belief, is just that "you aren't good enough". I can definitely identify with that, and for me, I have not been able to let go of that until I had positive experiences where I was paying attention to reality vs. what I think is going to happen (looking for negatives to support my belief). Does that make sense?

You can start small, maybe just by looking at a guy or saying hello and noticing that he doesn't repulse in your presence. Maybe that happened when you were a kid, but kids are dumb and they hurt eachother without realizing the consequences. When we're older, most people take more care not to do that.

Maybe you can even start looking for more positives just from your girlfriends, that will help boost your overall self esteem. Like if anyone compliments you, or shows you interest, take that to heart and digest it, stick it in your brain and remember it...you know what I mean. Until you start seeing yourself as worthy and good enough, it will be tougher with guys (and girls too) because when we feel that way, we tend to put off that vibe. Like if someone shows us interest - we push them away so they don't reject us because we "know" they will find us awkward, unlikable, etc. Bottom line, give people a chance to get to know you and like you!

If you are young, one thing you want to be careful of with this is if a guy does get interested in you as a girlfriend, just make sure you aren't falling for the first guy that comes along just so you have a boyfriend and fit in more. I'm not saying you would do that, but I've seen plenty of girls lower their standards or just be completely blind to the bad ones because they are so thrilled that a guy likes them period. Don't do it, you'll regret it later and just feel worse about yourself.

Sorry if I'm off track here, just my take on it. Best wishes.

 

[anomalous]

I definitely sympathize with your fear and mindset. However, I have to say this: I'm a guy, and neither I, my friends, nor any other guys I've been around have ever had laughs over a so-called "creepy" girl who we thought liked someone. I've seen the reverse happen too many times to count, but never has it happened with a girl liking a guy. So even if, by chance, you do give the impression that you have a crush on someone, the chances of it turning into some joke or you being deemed "creepy" as a result are slim to none. Most any guy will be flattered, particularly if you're even slightly attractive. I'd say the absolute worst that can possibly happen as a result of you showing interest is that the guy won't have the same feelings and might ask his buddies how to go about letting you down easy, but they probably won't think much of it even in that case.

 

[alohomora]

I'm afraid a guy will think I like him (whether I find him attractive or not), I'm afraid he will like me, I'm afraid he won't like me, I'm afraid he'll have expectations of me, I'm afraid he'll talk about me with his buddies, I'm afraid he'll be chauvinistic, I'm afraid he will be aggressive/domineering and make me feel small, I'm afraid he'll disrespect me, I'm afraid I won't be "special" to him, I'm afraid I will look needy, etc.

I like guys (as long as they're not chauvenistic), I just have this wall. I think it's my subconscious knowing I don't have the resources right now in my life to handle expectations/uncertainty/emotions/etc.

 

[RoninDistance]

As a result I keep my distance, or sometimes act cold towards a guy right out.

I do this a lot. Just today, I was out shopping and a pretty girl noticed me and tried to start a conversation. I merely smiled, not even looking at her, grabbed my orange juice and hurried to another part of the market. Now, as I've said before, I'm no George Clooney, so I should be flattered. Instead, I'm just annoyed, thinking I'm not deserving of the extra attention. It's fear, plain and simple, of being noticed, of saying the wrong thing, of making a fool of myself, of not being cool enough, cute enough, handsome enough, of being nothing more than a source of laughter and mockery. Like you, I was bullied a lot in high school, so I guess that doesn't help. I never learned how to properly socialize, so I do my best to avoid it.

 

[joeclayvowell]

Ive had the same problem with girls, especially if I had a crush on a girl and she tried to talk to me, I would have these horrible anxiety attacks. Thats probably the thing I regret the most about high school so many missed or blown opportunities.

 

[cheerio]

I have the same sentiments about guys as well. Aside from acting shy, awkward, and saying regrettable things (um, I guess my SA), I think the main issue for me is that most guys are not comfortable with the fact that I am not the typical loquacious girl most girls tend to be. Whether the guy is shy or outgoing, both types are attracted to girls that can talk. And that applies to even platonic relationships. I mean it makes complete, logical sense. Who wants to be bored and unstimulated? Not even me. I think the best way to feel or at least act more comfortable with guys is to just view them as one of your girlfriends. Seriously. Try talking to them like you would with one of your female friends and you'd be surprised how much easier it is to converse with them. Of course, try to stray away from girl talk, as they would not comprehend.

 

[Hellosunshine]

I'm afraid a guy will think I like him (whether I find him attractive or not), I'm afraid he will like me, I'm afraid he won't like me, I'm afraid he'll have expectations of me, I'm afraid he'll talk about me with his buddies, I'm afraid he'll be chauvinistic, I'm afraid he will be aggressive/domineering and make me feel small, I'm afraid he'll disrespect me, I'm afraid I won't be "special" to him, I'm afraid I will look needy, etc.

I like guys (as long as they're not chauvenistic), I just have this wall. I think it's my subconscious knowing I don't have the resources right now in my life to handle expectations/uncertainty/emotions/etc.

That's exactly how I feel about guys! I have too many fears of them that I've built up an stone cold wall. I can't talk to them if my life depended on it because I feel that there's too much expectation of me to be outgoing and bubbly. I just never feel good enough or like not worth their time.

 

[UltraShy]

Would it make you feel any better to know guys with SA are terrified of you and every other girl?

 

[PolarBear]

I've never been asked out by a guy.

Hi there. Want to go catch a movie sometime? Maybe get some dinner before hand?

But what gets me even more is that I've never really had a guy friend. While almost every other girl I know has had two or three. I've been able to have aquantinces that are guys.

Seriously though, i can understand exactly where your coming from, as I'm sure a lot of us on here can. I've only had one good female friend, which pretty much ended in disaster for me emotionally, so now I'm pretty reluctant to buddy up with any girl. And just like some other people have said, I'm also terrified of women.

 

[Moon Fire]

First of all, hello. I would like to say that one of the worst things about having SA is that you imagine you're not going to be liked or asked out. I don't agree with you that guys would be "disgusted" or creeped out by you if you like them. This is going to come off sounding rude but basically it's all in your imagination and you've got too much negativity about yourself. You should consider your positive qualities and think of what's great about you, more than what isn't. You said in the opening thread that you're told how pretty and nice you are. Believe that. Concentrate on those things and not your fears. I hope this didn't sound too harsh. Anyway I think you should go with what Sadie also said and get something from your female friends. You've got guy friends in your class. That's a major plus

 

[p cdn]

I've never had a girl friend (or a girlfriend for that matter lol), I finished high school pretty much unnoticed, or exchanging few words with the girls from my class, been called ugly once or twice by girls so it stuck to me

but one thing that really bothers me, is I get the feeling girls/women completely ignore me

The first time I really noticed it was at this outdoor concert I went with a few friends and some of their friends, we were standing there and a one of their girl friends came by and said hi with the cheek kissing thing, she walked by all of them and skipped me for whatever reason and went to the next guy

I told my friend who was there if he noticed but he denied it, a few months later the same thing happened and he was also there,this time he laughed it off

years go by and I was way over it, at least I thought, until I went to a group pickup soccer game. I was sitting at the edge of the bleacher and this guy shows up with his girlfriend, she does the same cheek kissing thing (they were french,must be a european thing?) and I jokingly said to myself "wanna bet she won't make it down here?". I was right :|

in both cases I didn't know them,but would it kill you to at least say hi to me in front of people you know?

from that moment on, any time I'm walking with a friend and he stops to talk to a girl he knows, as a defense mechanism I just keep on walking slowly until he catches up

 

[RemusLupin]

I'm totally the opposite...I'm petrified of women. I am almost never uncomfortable around guys. I'm almost always uncomfortable around girls. In my experience, girls are a lot more judgmental than guys. Hanging out with guys is so much more comfortable for me, because they're not scrutinizing every single thing about every single person, the way girls tend to. I cannot for the life of me make friendly conversation with most girls. I just totally blank on things to say and we sit there in silence.

 

[organicwildroot]

I am currently trying to articulate the same feeling. I think that men sense that our guard is up and that we aren't really showing much interest in them. I don't know if that is the case for you but I always stood firm on this thought that if I was drop dead gorgeous then men would automatically talk to me and immediately want to befriend me. I'm just average looking though and since I don't really have much to bring to the table, I would really have to work hard to get a guy to hang out with me. I might be wrong but I think men don't really look at us as being friends right away. I think it's that way with both men and woman. It's like when you meet a guy, you don't really see it right away as hey lets be friends, you look at more like this guy is cute, wonder if he has a girlfriend, wonder if he's interested in me. When I meet guys, I know right away that I would like to be friends but I don't think they really see it that way. It's a mess. I don't know though.

 

[Shannon]

I can relate to how you feel because I know I feel that way too. Family wise, I live with my mom and sister and as far as guy friends, I just haven't had any and I really don't know why...I think guys seem like they'd be so much easier to talk to since girls can be so judgmental and gossip a lot which I don't care to do. I know in college it was harder to meet guys in general because of my major and going into teaching so my classes had absolutely zero guys in them (haha at times it felt like I was in an all girls school w/the only reminder to me that I wasn't being when I walked around the campus to go to my classes). And then of course with SA getting in the way too...its not like I go & hang out places much so meeting new people especially guys is just not too easy. I definitely though want to work on getting more comfortable talking to guys rather than be so scared to talk to them...easier said than done I know though

 

[RockiNToM]

Don't be scared of us, we aren't out to 'get' you. lol...

Anyway, from experience I think a lot of guys like to make friends with females not necessarily because they want to have sex, but it makes them feel more secure interacting with the other side. A lot of the girls I've befriended were purely based on wanting to understand the female species more (LOL?!) not because I wanted to have sex.

Having a friend of the opposite sex is sometimes really helpful and very therapeutic.

 

[organicwildroot]

Don't be scared of us, we aren't out to 'get' you. lol...

Anyway, from experience I think a lot of guys like to make friends with females not necessarily because they want to have sex, but it makes them feel more secure interacting with the other side. A lot of the girls I've befriended were purely based on wanting to understand the female species more (LOL?!) not because I wanted to have sex.

Having a friend of the opposite sex is sometimes really helpful and very therapeutic.

Shows how wrong I am!

 

[kreeper]

I've never had a girl friend (or a girlfriend for that matter lol), I finished high school pretty much unnoticed, or exchanging few words with the girls from my class, been called ugly once or twice by girls so it stuck to me

but one thing that really bothers me, is I get the feeling girls/women completely ignore me

The first time I really noticed it was at this outdoor concert I went with a few friends and some of their friends, we were standing there and a one of their girl friends came by and said hi with the cheek kissing thing, she walked by all of them and skipped me for whatever reason and went to the next guy

I told my friend who was there if he noticed but he denied it, a few months later the same thing happened and he was also there,this time he laughed it off

years go by and I was way over it, at least I thought, until I went to a group pickup soccer game. I was sitting at the edge of the bleacher and this guy shows up with his girlfriend, she does the same cheek kissing thing (they were french,must be a european thing?) and I jokingly said to myself "wanna bet she won't make it down here?". I was right :|

in both cases I didn't know them,but would it kill you to at least say hi to me in front of people you know?

from that moment on, any time I'm walking with a friend and he stops to talk to a girl he knows, as a defense mechanism I just keep on walking slowly until he catches up

I'm a girl, and that's happened to me a few times with guys. I'll be at some sort of social situation with some friends, guys will approach my little group and proceed to completely ignore my presence while chatting/flirting with my friends.. It's really damaging to the self-esteem.

 

[Attica! Attica!]

Your definately not alone. Your post reminds me so much of me! The only guy friend I ever had was a next door neighbor from elementary school, before I had major SA. After that, I haven't made a single guy friend. I don't understand it, too. I think a lot of guys are so much fun to be around, and I feel a lot of the time I could relate to them far easier than with other girls my age, yet I can't seem to be comfortable around them even if I'm not interested in them at all. I grew up with two older brothers, so you would think I wouldn't have a problem with this, but I still do. I don't really care about having a boyfriend either, though it would be nice, but I really want to have guy friends.

I also feel like I'm ok-looking, smart, and funny at the core, but I'm such a different person when I'm anxious that I feek like someone would have to be insane to want me around; its like the i'm the opposite of the real me.

 

[ChrissyQ]

Same with me!