Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
197 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Failure

I'm coming to terms that I might be failing college. Not exactly sure what to do. I am attending Penn State, but the courses are completely online. Even then, I get so anxious before I have to log in. I am suppose to do a group project, but I don't contribute that much.

It's almost as if I'm subconsciously TRY to fail. It's hard to explain. I was doing kinda well in the beginning, but now I'm just mentally dropping out. I don't want to, though.

EVERY TIME I think of school, my anxieties gets worse. It's unbelievable. I wish I don't have this affliction.

In 9th grade, I barely went to school so I failed most of my classes. I'm not sure what my GPA was, but it did significantly lowered my class rank. If not for that year, I would've been in the top 10 of my entire school because I had a 4.0 in my senior year. I had a 3.6 GPA when I graduated.

Seems like the cycle is starting again, except this is COLLEGE and not HIGH SCHOOL.

I contacted a psychologist via email but she hasn't responded. I thought about taking Xanax, but I'm not sure how to get them.

My first semester of college, I commuted to a different university. I cried literally for 2 days because I had to take the bus. I never took the bus by myself and I CRIED... So my mom drove me. 1 hour back and forth... I had to withdraw. I feel like such a baby. I'm so a shamed of myself.

Transferred to Penn State and now the problem still exist. I fear of failure, but ironically, this fear is causing the failure. I don't even know what I'm so afraid of, why I'm so anxious when I'm protected behind this computer. All I know is my anxieties get so bad when even the thought of school comes to mind.

I'm in desperate need of help. The semester ends in April. What do you guys suggest me doing? I can't drop out. My mom would KILL me. She paid a portion for this semester because withdrawing from my previous university lowered financial aid.

I have the worst case of procrastination as well.

I'm so upset with myself. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13 Posts
misski,

Ive had very similar problems and man o man it sucked so bad. I was kicked out about 5 times for failing semesters but I always complained/appealed my way back.

What changed for me was finally realizing I couldnt do it on my own. I had tried over and over and I kept failing. Then I tried with a psychiatrist and medication and I failed just as bad.

I finally went to a counselor (every week) where we came up with strategies on making sure I would get good grades and also get my anxiety reduced. My grades went up and after coming back from a 1.8 GPA to a 2.2 GPA I finally graduated.

This is just based on my experience but doing it myself didnt work, medication didnt work. I needed almost like a father/big brother who would look out for me and help me out and even though I had to pay it was all worth the money.
 

·
SAS member
Joined
·
3,445 Posts
EVERY TIME I think of school, my anxieties gets worse. It's unbelievable. I wish I don't have this affliction.
Its important to identity the anxious/negative thoughts and emotions you have. Can you list the major ones? How does your internal dialogue sound?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
197 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Its important to identity the anxious/negative thoughts and emotions you have. Can you list the major ones? How does your internal dialogue sound?
School has always been bad for me. This is where I expose myself, physically and mentally. I remember as a young girl, before I had social anxieties, I was excited to go to school because I had friends. Then I started to get bullied and my best friend moved away. Each morning after that, I developed stomach aches. Literally every morning. I HATE SCHOOL.

Now... I can't even explain it. When I think about having to explain why I haven't been on, I just get nervous because there's no real reason why except that I have anxieties.

I also don't want to see failure. I know I will see a bunch of emails that I don't want to read about my absence. I don't want to see the bad grades. I don't want to see anything negative.

It's similar to my feelings about my weight. I know I gained weight so I don't want to weigh myself.

I just avoid it like a plague until the last minute which is why I procrastinate. Lately, though, I don't even try to do it because I hate feeling so anxious.

misski,

Ive had very similar problems and man o man it sucked so bad. I was kicked out about 5 times for failing semesters but I always complained/appealed my way back.

What changed for me was finally realizing I couldnt do it on my own. I had tried over and over and I kept failing. Then I tried with a psychiatrist and medication and I failed just as bad.

I finally went to a counselor (every week) where we came up with strategies on making sure I would get good grades and also get my anxiety reduced. My grades went up and after coming back from a 1.8 GPA to a 2.2 GPA I finally graduated.

This is just based on my experience but doing it myself didnt work, medication didnt work. I needed almost like a father/big brother who would look out for me and help me out and even though I had to pay it was all worth the money.
You have no idea how motivational that is to me. I am happy to read that you graduated. I have hope!

Similarly, I also am by myself so I do "need" someone. The only person in my life is my mom and she's at work all the time. When she's home, we fight because we just don't bond like that. I do need someone. Maybe that's it.
 

·
SAS member
Joined
·
3,445 Posts
School has always been bad for me. This is where I expose myself, physically and mentally. I remember as a young girl, before I had social anxieties, I was excited to go to school because I had friends. Then I started to get bullied and my best friend moved away. Each morning after that, I developed stomach aches. Literally every morning. I HATE SCHOOL.

Now... I can't even explain it. When I think about having to explain why I haven't been on, I just get nervous because there's no real reason why except that I have anxieties.

I also don't want to see failure. I know I will see a bunch of emails that I don't want to read about my absence. I don't want to see the bad grades. I don't want to see anything negative.

It's similar to my feelings about my weight. I know I gained weight so I don't want to weigh myself.

I just avoid it like a plague until the last minute which is why I procrastinate. Lately, though, I don't even try to do it because I hate feeling so anxious.
Do you think your anxiousness is related to the bullying you experienced in the past? What about you did the bully make you feel bad about?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,279 Posts
I procrastinate too. When you get an assignment, finish it RIGHT AWAY. If you don't, you'll keep telling yourself you'll do it but never will.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
197 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Do you think your anxiousness is related to the bullying you experienced in the past? What about you did the bully make you feel bad about?
Absolutely. The trauma made me even more isolated from society in general. In 6th grade, in order to avoid getting bullied, I was apart of this group of girls who bullied someone. I didn't do anything physical to her, just talked about her behind her back which made her feel bad. But when I started to feel horrible, I told the girls point blank that I don't think it's right and one girl said I was backstabbing. I actually stood up for this girl. Afterwards, the girl who was getting bullied joined the clique and I was the one getting bullied. I know it was in 6th grade, but that was one of the worst year in my entire life because I was mercilessly bullied. They called my house once and started yelling at me. As much as I stood up for myself and yelled at them and acted like I was not afraid of them, I was really in so much pain that I wanted to commit suicide several points. It was traumatizing. I am still not over it because to this day, I still hate this one girl. Interestingly, I once went to her twitter because I was curious, and she retweeted a quote about bullies. It made me want to send her a message and curse her out because she was hypocritical but I didn't.

I learned from this situation to never get involved with anything. Always mind my own business. Don't even talk about people. Without even knowing it, this contributed to my isolation and social anxiety.

When I think about school, the first thing that comes to mind is that sort of hostile environment. I don't think about education.
 

·
SAS member
Joined
·
3,445 Posts
Absolutely. The trauma made me even more isolated from society in general. In 6th grade, in order to avoid getting bullied, I was apart of this group of girls who bullied someone. I didn't do anything physical to her, just talked about her behind her back which made her feel bad. But when I started to feel horrible, I told the girls point blank that I don't think it's right and one girl said I was backstabbing. I actually stood up for this girl. Afterwards, the girl who was getting bullied joined the clique and I was the one getting bullied. I know it was in 6th grade, but that was one of the worst year in my entire life because I was mercilessly bullied. They called my house once and started yelling at me. As much as I stood up for myself and yelled at them and acted like I was not afraid of them, I was really in so much pain that I wanted to commit suicide several points. It was traumatizing. I am still not over it because to this day, I still hate this one girl. Interestingly, I once went to her twitter because I was curious, and she retweeted a quote about bullies. It made me want to send her a message and curse her out because she was hypocritical but I didn't.

I learned from this situation to never get involved with anything. Always mind my own business. Don't even talk about people. Without even knowing it, this contributed to my isolation and social anxiety.

When I think about school, the first thing that comes to mind is that sort of hostile environment. I don't think about education.
I'm sorry for your negative experience. Although people like that exist there are many others who are not nefarious. College is a place where many diverse and well rounded students reside. Perhaps you could join an academic club or an extracurricular activity related to your interest to establish a positive schema for college life in general.

Those bullies yelled at you because they enjoyed getting a reaction from you. Its important to realize that the way you were treated does not determine your self worth. I think you should internally forgive them - not for them but for yourself. As you hold onto your anger for them there is the tendency to stay locked in the past.

After such an experience it may seem easier to have feelings of worthlessness than it is to have greater confidence. A great tool to use to repair the damage is self compassion. Like the muscles in the body of an atrophied individual, self compassion takes time, energy and repetition to become effective but it can be extremely useful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,293 Posts
misski,

Ive had very similar problems and man o man it sucked so bad. I was kicked out about 5 times for failing semesters but I always complained/appealed my way back.

What changed for me was finally realizing I couldnt do it on my own. I had tried over and over and I kept failing. Then I tried with a psychiatrist and medication and I failed just as bad.

I finally went to a counselor (every week) where we came up with strategies on making sure I would get good grades and also get my anxiety reduced. My grades went up and after coming back from a 1.8 GPA to a 2.2 GPA I finally graduated.

This is just based on my experience but doing it myself didnt work, medication didnt work. I needed almost like a father/big brother who would look out for me and help me out and even though I had to pay it was all worth the money.
Thanks for sharing your success story. So how has life been for you since graduating? Was it worth it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
787 Posts
College is the most difficult part of life for most people with Social Anxiety. It was for me...But it will be the biggest accomplishment of my life...College has been harder than working jobs and way more stressful but it has made me a better person...I only have 3 more classes before I graduate and am finally free!!!
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top