Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 20 of 34 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've never had a girlfriend or even had a close friend that was/is a girl. I rarely, if ever, have hanged out with girls, so it makes sense that I'm super anxious around them, even when they're showing interest in me. I actually get far more anxious when a girl asks me out or starts talking to me and especially, when a pretty girl started making out with me. I'm usually anxious in groups, but when a girl is in the group, I CAN'T say anything. I hardly say a word, it's really sad. My SA is becoming a lot better around guys, but with girls, it sky rockets and becomes unbearable. Attractive girls just intimidate me like nothing else.

How can I put myself around girls? in order to combat my SA head on. School's out and the girls in my HS were mostly ****s - the girls'd talk behind each other's backs to us guys on how many guys each girl has slept with or guys will tell me in the change room how they banged some chick, etc. I get the most anxiety at school anyways so it wasn't a good place to meet a girl. Where can I expose myself to girls? I don't even care if they're particularly attractive, I just want to be around them. I feel like I'm getting old and everyone else has experience with girls and I am clueless. I can't even say hi to an attractive girl after she's said hi to me - I'm usually too stunned she'd even acknowledge me lol.

What have you guys done to meet chicks?

PS I currently don't have a social network, so that's not an option.
 

·
stillborn
Joined
·
1,764 Posts
I can relate to this. I don't hang out with guys. Well, I don't hang out with anyone, especially not guys.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,122 Posts
it is the fear of rejection
you are convinced that most attractive ones, are the ugliest on the inside, or just plain mean
and that they will reject you just for laughs
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
136 Posts
it is the fear of rejection
you are convinced that most attractive ones, are the ugliest on the inside, or just plain mean
and that they will reject you just for laughs
I think you're right, and I'm thankful that you understand that people may have this misconception either about women in general or specifically attractive women. I think this misconception or prejudice is why I've been ill-treated by some men in the past. Perhaps they saw me as that evil woman who wouldl reject them, tear out their hearts, deride them or otherwise try to manipulate them. I don't mean to sound conceited but although I am particularly striking, I was afraid of men rejecting me when I was single.

I've had men reject me for laughs, been treated like a bimbo, gossiped about and I've been harrassed. I've known countless women who were victims of sexual abuse or harrassment. I've been married to a patient, caring and understanding man for the past six years. It took me a while to completely trust him. I would otherwise have a difficult time dating and trusting men. Just because I know there are good men and women out there does not mean I have to let my guard down. I've been very disappointed every time I've let my guard down.

Although I do feel anxious around men, I mostly feel anxiety around women. This is because women need female companionship and meaningful female relationships in order to have a healthy self-esteem. We need to connect with one another that is why rejection from other women is especially devastating to us. I don't necessarily need to be around men as much as I need to be around women. Also, most men are intimidated by me so they do not approach me. Please know that I do not value women above men.

In my experience, it isn't easy to have a truly platonic relationship between women and men so I do not feel the need to pursue friendships with men or keep male company other than that of my husband, my relatives or the male friends whom I've known since childhood. Plus, I really believe that most men who speak to me just want to sleep with me. This is what I've experienced in the past. I also avoid men to avoid further drama. I don't need a guy thinking he has a chance with me and then get mad at me because he feels rejected.

This has happend quite a lot. I would keep company with guys because I thought they were easier to be friends with. That is until I realize that the guy has an unjust sense of entitlement, wants to be my boyfriend or sleep with me and then becomes angry and bitter when I don't share his feelings. It's not as if I teased these guys or asked for their attention. All I wanted was friendship and I end up the bad guy while he shows his true face and starts avoiding me or giving me dirty looks every time we cross paths.

I apologize if it seems as though I'm singling men out here. The truth is that I do not trust either men or women. I could go on all day about why I do not trust women, but that's a story for another day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,178 Posts
...even when they're showing interest in me. I actually get far more anxious when a girl asks me out or starts talking to me and especially, when a pretty girl started making out with me.
How do you get girls to become interested in you if you can't speak around them?

I have the same problem, but a girl has never started liking me because I didn't talk to her.
 

·
Got nothin to loseeee but
Joined
·
58 Posts
How do you get girls to become interested in you if you can't speak around them?

I have the same problem, but a girl has never started liking me because I didn't talk to her.
You are trying to reason with our irrational fears :/.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
136 Posts
So I guess there are attractive women who are afraid of men, huh ?
Yeah, normally the ones who others might think are stuck up because they're not jumping up and down with joy after being cat-called or hooted after. I do appreciate approval when it comes to other things but I don't need or necessarily want that sort of attention. I don't need validation in that area. I'm sorry if this sounds snooty. It's not meant to be.

I get anxious when people around me laugh so I get pretty freaked out when guys whistle at me or cat call. I wish I could enjoy it as other women do but something about it makes me feel cheap and embarrassed. I'm not one to scream sexual harrassment for being looked at but heavy or aggressive attention scares me. That sort of behavior reminds me of the unpleasant experiences I've had.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,221 Posts
Yeah, normally the ones who others might think are stuck up because they're not jumping up and down with joy after being cat-called or hooted after. I do appreciate approval when it comes to other things but I don't need or necessarily want that sort of attention. I don't need validation in that area. I'm sorry if this sounds snooty. It's not meant to be.

I get anxious when people around me laugh so I get pretty freaked out when guys whistle at me or cat call. I wish I could enjoy it as other women do but something about it makes me feel cheap and embarrassed. I'm not one to scream sexual harrassment for being looked at but heavy or aggressive attention scares me. That sort of behavior reminds me of the unpleasant experiences I've had.
So do you feel more comfortable with guys who actually talk to you without using lines or hollering, or do you turn them away? It sounds like you turn down both the guys that try to be your friend first AND those that holler. Which do you think is the better alternative? I think those of us guys who want to find someone special would really like to know from a woman with SA. (Since outgoing women tend to cause me too much anxiety, maybe a more introverted one might be better for me.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
106 Posts
I've never had a girlfriend or even had a close friend that was/is a girl. I rarely, if ever, have hanged out with girls, so it makes sense that I'm super anxious around them, even when they're showing interest in me. I actually get far more anxious when a girl asks me out or starts talking to me and especially, when a pretty girl started making out with me. I'm usually anxious in groups, but when a girl is in the group, I CAN'T say anything. I hardly say a word, it's really sad. My SA is becoming a lot better around guys, but with girls, it sky rockets and becomes unbearable. Attractive girls just intimidate me like nothing else.

How can I put myself around girls? in order to combat my SA head on. School's out and the girls in my HS were mostly ****s - the girls'd talk behind each other's backs to us guys on how many guys each girl has slept with or guys will tell me in the change room how they banged some chick, etc. I get the most anxiety at school anyways so it wasn't a good place to meet a girl. Where can I expose myself to girls? I don't even care if they're particularly attractive, I just want to be around them. I feel like I'm getting old and everyone else has experience with girls and I am clueless. I can't even say hi to an attractive girl after she's said hi to me - I'm usually too stunned she'd even acknowledge me lol.

What have you guys done to meet chicks?

PS I currently don't have a social network, so that's not an option.
I know how you feel. I was the same way when I was your age. Social networking web sites have really been a good outlet for me. I highly recommend. It's an easier way to break the ice and you get a nice profile of the person before you start talking to them. Find out their interests and if you can relate, you can engage a conversation that way. Start talking online and if things go well, you'll potentially get a phone number. The first call is always the hardest. You just have to face your fears and do it man. Don't worry about trying to impress someone, just be yourself and don't think too much. Focus on the positives and what you want, not what you don't want. Try OkCupid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Yeah, normally the ones who others might think are stuck up because they're not jumping up and down with joy after being cat-called or hooted after. I do appreciate approval when it comes to other things but I don't need or necessarily want that sort of attention. I don't need validation in that area. I'm sorry if this sounds snooty. It's not meant to be.

I get anxious when people around me laugh so I get pretty freaked out when guys whistle at me or cat call. I wish I could enjoy it as other women do but something about it makes me feel cheap and embarrassed. I'm not one to scream sexual harrassment for being looked at but heavy or aggressive attention scares me. That sort of behavior reminds me of the unpleasant experiences I've had.
There are women who enjoy cat calls and whatnot? Dang my conception of women is so messed up...I guess that's what you get when your mother is a hardcore feminist. (not that there's anything wrong with feminism, but I think she trained me to think of women as untouchable goddesses rather than human beings)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
136 Posts
So do you feel more comfortable with guys who actually talk to you without using lines or hollering, or do you turn them away? It sounds like you turn down both the guys that try to be your friend first AND those that holler. Which do you think is the better alternative? I think those of us guys who want to find someone special would really like to know from a woman with SA. (Since outgoing women tend to cause me too much anxiety, maybe a more introverted one might be better for me.)
I can't say that the majority of men approach me with the desire to be just friends. SA or not I can tell by now which ones are interested in fostering other sorts of relations. I have met just a couple who just wanted to hang out and had no interest in me at all. It was refreshing and I welcomed it.
Had I not been married, I'd probably turn a lot of men down though. In my experience, men who have approached me ended up being trouble and disappointment.

I would strictly ignore men who holler, use lines, or behave sneaky (the 'I just want to be your friend' line or the 'we can go hang out at my place but don't tell your friend where you're going'. Yes, I've had someone try that one). I want nothing to do with them.
There have definitely been men that gave me really bad vibes (not just the usual anxiety)to the point where I did not even dare to look their way. One man in particular was not loud or obnoxious but he just creeped me out. It turns out he was a violent drug user and dealer who liked to beat on his girlfriend on a regular basis.

My husband and I started out as friends. We never got to the point where we couldn't have gone further than just friends. I was the one who did the initiating. One of the things that struck me about him was that he never had that sense of entitlement that others before him had. Although he says that he was nervous around me, he would make up for it by acting goofy or making me laugh. He never made a pass at me and never assumed anything about me while we were hanging out. The night we met, I instantly saw a difference between him and his friends. He just had a kind, gentle quality about him that immediately made me feel comfortable. He has been very understanding and patient with me over the years.

If I found someone special than anyone can.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
136 Posts
There are women who enjoy cat calls and whatnot? Dang my conception of women is so messed up...I guess that's what you get when your mother is a hardcore feminist. (not that there's anything wrong with feminism, but I think she trained me to think of women as untouchable goddesses rather than human beings)
Yeah, there are women out there who enjoy that sort of attention. Some of them openly bask in it and the others understand the importance of the good/modest girl image. Women who enjoy male attention are generally not seen in a good light. I don't think there is anything wrong with those women of course. If it empowers them or makes them feel good about themselves then so be it. It's just not for me. Some women are bothered by the catcalls and others are unaffected by it.

You're right. Women are human beings not goddesses. We're just as good or bad as men. Although the majority of violent crimes are perpetrated by men, women are just as flawed. I do respect the older feminist movement, but I don't like the fact that feminism seems to focus on all the wrongs perpetrated by men. This isn't fair to either gender. Women are cruel and abusive to children, other women and sometimes even men. Women scare me too just not for all the reasons that men scare me.
 

·
UnDeRrAtED
Joined
·
34,712 Posts
I get scared, self conscious, nervous, anxious, panic attacks, uncomfortable around any woman. aye, even with family. :sigh
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,198 Posts
at the age of 12-13 i already had a g/f. back then i had mount everest high confidence that i didn't even approached females, theyapproached me. fast forward to present time i can't even touch a female by accident wind out making me feel like a jolt of electricity going through me (like around maybe 24 volts AC).

i remember this female back in school who liked me use to always groom me like a dog and i would just sit there like a puppet. she would fold my sleeves, take the lint off my shirt, fix my hair..etc. what did i do? nothing, just sit there like a manikin. she enrolled me in a school dance with out even asking me but last thing that broke the camels back was when we were rehearsing for the dance. she grabbed my hands and put them around her hips....i freaked out like a chihuahua dog facing a pittbull. i quit the dance that same day and stopped talking to her for the rest of the year (actually she was doing all the talking i just avoided her).

point being, things can change for you in the future. 2-3 years from now you may be a ladies man or at least not get freaked out being around females. one thing i heard that helps is to try to touch a female when talking to her. like pretend you can read palms, grab her hand, and make stuff up.

by reading stories here that some guys with SA have wifes/grilfriends, supports my believe that there's someone out there for everyone. so there's hope.
 
1 - 20 of 34 Posts
Top