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Depression is getting so extreme for me that I cannot hide it anymore, even from my family or the people that I meet on a daily basis (I just started working an internship at a large firm).

I used to put up a facade that was effective for many, many years

There is no longer any escape for me (physically through avoidance and running away and moving to new places).

I have always suffered from extreme highs and lows multiple times within the same day. For the past few months, the lows have dominated so much it seems like my life doesn't have much structure anymore. Daily live has been an automatic process to sustain my academics and preserve my working future( which, ironically, it falling apart despite my preparations and best intentions).

Ive been on two SSRI anti-depressants in the past that were either did nothing or made me feel numb. This numbness is better than the black veil of depression but it made me extremely unmotivated to do anything and I felt like a ghost.

The reason why I have considered anti depressants again is because Ive seriously considered suicide a much more pleasant thought than I like, and it is making me scared. The fact that suicide seems like my most viable escape now and the fact that I feel so trapped in life, combined with the pleasant allure of suicide, makes me scared. I have so many more obligations in life now and I never feel like fulfilling any of them. I don't feel like trying anymore and I am very tired.

Does anybody have positive experiences with anti-depressants that didn't just make them feel numb? Should I consider anti-depressants again?

I should mention exercise and weight lifting has been my only escape and help from daily life. On the days that I do manage the energy to do and finish a good workout, I get a temporary lift after wards. However, its not enough to counter the overall problem.
 

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I have always suffered from extreme highs and lows multiple times within the same day. For the past few months, the lows have dominated so much it seems like my life doesn't have much structure anymore.
This sounds like Lamictal would be an excellent medication for you. It should stabilize your mood and help with the depression.
 
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