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7 Posts
As persons, we have our own troubles. And with the kind of person i am today, i find it quite impossible to be helped by others. I have this impression that only i can help myself. Yet i want to share my difficulties with people. Since i have difficulties with expressing myself, this is just the perfect place for me to fulfill that desire.
First i want to share my life's story. I've been living for seventeen years and 10 months. My parents are hardworking people and i have three siblings. My eldest sister is bulimic(she does not admit it so i decided to let her be and just wait for her to "wake up") and has depression problems. My younger brother is just the average brother. And my younger sister is adopted and has become the jester of the family. Somehow our family is intact and there is love. But it is not as perfect as what people see us to be. Others praise my parents for raising such good children. They really did a good job in disciplining us. Or is it just not in our nature to be wild?
I guess it would be best to start with my eldest memory. The oldest thing in my mind would be my cousin forcing his reproductive organ into my mouth. Isn't it absurd? Now where were my parents at that time? They were working to feed, clothe and educate us. That includes my cousins. There were two of them actually. The only difference is that their advances are not at the same level. Yes, the ingrates ware abusing our kindness. Incidents with that type of theme happened all the time that they lived with us. It was not only I who was victimized. My sister too. I knew that she too was being abused. Yet she did not know my situation. We kept quiet about it throughout those years. After they left she would often tell me about her experiences. I listened. I never found that courage to tell her my experiences. So i lived on.
Then i reached highschool. I experienced nervous breakdown a couple of times. So i was often at the counseling room. One time, i told the counselor about it all. I was looking at her face. Hoping to get the reaction that i want. But when i looked into her eyes it was saying that "she is weird". So i took her off of the list of people that might be able to comfort me. Then we had this paper work for english. The theme was "an experience that made you who you are today". So i wrote about my past. The teacher told my mom to come to school at card day. At that day i went to my friend's house without a word to anybody. I knew she was going to tell my mom. I wanted to tell the whole world about it aside from my parents. I don't want them to feel pain or guilt about it. When i got home my mom just hugged me and told me to never to that again. She did not mention a word about my paper work. So i thought that the meeting was just about my grades (i had failing grades in every subject). So i lived on. I still managed to graduate even with the grades that i had. They called me the delinquent. Even as a delinquent i managed to pass my university entrance exams. But i decided not to go to university. Instead i went to a culinary school. Ah yes i have a passion for cuisine. I am happy with that decision. On the first day, my parents called me to their room after school. I went in and saw my sister crying. My parents had the serious look on their faces. My father asked me "did he rape you as well?" i instinctively denied it. I managed to make them believe the lie. Up to now i still would not admit it to my parents. And it has been a year.
I do not like mingling with other people but i still do have friends. They understand my restrictions with them and it makes me glad. I also have a boyfriend. But we have not seen each other in real life. Our "relationship" has lasted for 4 years without physical contact thanks to the internet. And i prefer it that way. It sounds pathetic because it really is. Especially now. I am at my teens and i am a person with need. I must admit that even though i went through all that in the past my sexual desires are always at their peak. Yet i can't satisfy these desires. The main reason is that i am a coward. Because of my cowardice i always result to self fulfillment. And i don't like it like that. But i still don't have the courage to take this problem head on. I received my education in a private school for girls until i got into the culinary school. So im not that comfortable in socializing with the opposite sex.
Ah i have run out of thoughts. But it was a good feeling to type what's in my mind lol =P
if it's unbearable please just bear with me
that would be all for now
First i want to share my life's story. I've been living for seventeen years and 10 months. My parents are hardworking people and i have three siblings. My eldest sister is bulimic(she does not admit it so i decided to let her be and just wait for her to "wake up") and has depression problems. My younger brother is just the average brother. And my younger sister is adopted and has become the jester of the family. Somehow our family is intact and there is love. But it is not as perfect as what people see us to be. Others praise my parents for raising such good children. They really did a good job in disciplining us. Or is it just not in our nature to be wild?
I guess it would be best to start with my eldest memory. The oldest thing in my mind would be my cousin forcing his reproductive organ into my mouth. Isn't it absurd? Now where were my parents at that time? They were working to feed, clothe and educate us. That includes my cousins. There were two of them actually. The only difference is that their advances are not at the same level. Yes, the ingrates ware abusing our kindness. Incidents with that type of theme happened all the time that they lived with us. It was not only I who was victimized. My sister too. I knew that she too was being abused. Yet she did not know my situation. We kept quiet about it throughout those years. After they left she would often tell me about her experiences. I listened. I never found that courage to tell her my experiences. So i lived on.
Then i reached highschool. I experienced nervous breakdown a couple of times. So i was often at the counseling room. One time, i told the counselor about it all. I was looking at her face. Hoping to get the reaction that i want. But when i looked into her eyes it was saying that "she is weird". So i took her off of the list of people that might be able to comfort me. Then we had this paper work for english. The theme was "an experience that made you who you are today". So i wrote about my past. The teacher told my mom to come to school at card day. At that day i went to my friend's house without a word to anybody. I knew she was going to tell my mom. I wanted to tell the whole world about it aside from my parents. I don't want them to feel pain or guilt about it. When i got home my mom just hugged me and told me to never to that again. She did not mention a word about my paper work. So i thought that the meeting was just about my grades (i had failing grades in every subject). So i lived on. I still managed to graduate even with the grades that i had. They called me the delinquent. Even as a delinquent i managed to pass my university entrance exams. But i decided not to go to university. Instead i went to a culinary school. Ah yes i have a passion for cuisine. I am happy with that decision. On the first day, my parents called me to their room after school. I went in and saw my sister crying. My parents had the serious look on their faces. My father asked me "did he rape you as well?" i instinctively denied it. I managed to make them believe the lie. Up to now i still would not admit it to my parents. And it has been a year.
I do not like mingling with other people but i still do have friends. They understand my restrictions with them and it makes me glad. I also have a boyfriend. But we have not seen each other in real life. Our "relationship" has lasted for 4 years without physical contact thanks to the internet. And i prefer it that way. It sounds pathetic because it really is. Especially now. I am at my teens and i am a person with need. I must admit that even though i went through all that in the past my sexual desires are always at their peak. Yet i can't satisfy these desires. The main reason is that i am a coward. Because of my cowardice i always result to self fulfillment. And i don't like it like that. But i still don't have the courage to take this problem head on. I received my education in a private school for girls until i got into the culinary school. So im not that comfortable in socializing with the opposite sex.
Ah i have run out of thoughts. But it was a good feeling to type what's in my mind lol =P
if it's unbearable please just bear with me
that would be all for now
