[cj]

My sister popped in to visit me yesterday, and of course it had to be the worst time- i was in the middle of working on the house and trying to get things done for my own bookkeeping as well as a clients.

I hate surprise visits at the best of times. Anyway, she brings me some perennials that she has pulled from her garden and chats like everything is just peachy. The last time i spoke to her she would not talk about the anger i was feeling towards her and why. When i stated that she does such and such and says such and such and I feel its a put down, she claimed it was all my perception only. "you have self-esteem issues and just feel that the things i say are put downs". She then tells me that i have trouble getting along with others and few friends because of this. This did little to smooth the waters and I found a reason to end the conversation with her and never phoned back.

I just wish she would leave me alone (another thing she says i have a problem with - pushing people away)- I haven't returned her calls, am abrupt and when she visited and i talked about nothing. She is no longer going to get anything more on my life other than what i feel about the weather.

I just don't understand people like this. When there is an issue that needs a resolution why do some pretend that if they ignore it, it will go away? I just don't get it

 

[PeekABoo]

:hug

I hate surprise visits too. There's noone in my life that can do that now except my father, they all live too far away, but he doesn't do it any more anyway. But I am really sorry your sister has been so abusive in her treatment of you.

I've discovered if we have self-esteem issues it's because of abusive people in our lives that don't treat us with respect and value. They normally think their opinion is much more accurate and of value than ours. Had she valued your opinion and been honest with herself, she wouldn't have placed the blame back on you... she would have thought about it and realized she's hurt you, and apologized.

It's really hard to set boundaries with people, but I think that's something to consider with her.

Two years ago I decided I wasn't going to allow myself to continue to be treated the way my family had been treating me all my life. I wrote my father a letter. I started telling my older son and his wife, and my mother, the things that they'd said and done to hurt me. And I decided it was time to start being the person I wanted to be instead of who they wanted me to be (someone they could use or mistreat whenever they chose to). It's been a really rocky road. They've all, except my mother, chosen not to have much to do with me since I won't be their personal doormat. But I am starting to feel better about myself because I'm making "me" important for the first time in my life. They're not used to that but it is making a difference with some. Perhaps they're starting to respect me for not taking it any longer. People really don't respect those they can walk all over.

I'm really glad you have been telling your sister how you feel. It would be very nice if she would acknowledge it and accept the blame, but since she won't (none in my family have, except my mother, to some extent) there really is nothing you can do to change her thinking. All you can do is be true to yourself and not allow the abuse to continue.

You might want to send her a note and ask her to please not drop by uninvited any more (that's something that could be looked at as controlling on her part), but also voice how you're feeling. One of the things my father did after I wrote the first letter to him was to write me back telling me he'd have to think over what I'd said to see if he agreed. I wrote back and told him it didn't matter to me if he agreed or not... these were my feelings and I was entitled to them and had every right to voice them (I've never been allowed to have my own thoughts and feeling in my life - unless they agreed with others - and boy that felt good!).

 

[cj]

Thanks for your response peek a boo. Yes i have a pretty toxic family starting with my mother. I laid down the law with her a few years back and it has been relatively peaceful since. She was a terrible parent in so many ways but not all ways. She has a good intentions most of the time - but she is very selfish and has no compassion whatsoever for anyone when it comes to her wants vs others. She is also delusional, so sometimes you can't even have a rational conversation with her. She constantly invaded my privacy, told my friends off if she didn't like them, listened to my conversations, snooped, read my diary and walked in on me in the bathroom almost daily. I could never talk to her about anything that mattered to me. I hated living at home. Anyway, she constantly put me down ( i think she was jealous of the close relationship i had with my father) and at one time on a vacation home I contemplated suicide as a way out, I was so stressed and fed up with it all. I finally decided after therapy that i was going to lay down the law! I refused to speak to her, ect when she was being awful, and when my father died I basicaly had nothing more to do with her. She has since changed her attitude.

Being the black sheep of the family is a slot in life that is hard to change. I was a terribly rebelious teenager which only added fuel to the fire.

I've changed and my younger sister and older brother have grown with me. My older sister however, has taken over for my mother in the badgering/put downs. She can never be happy if anyone is doing well.

I think you're right peek a boo, time to draw a distinct line and tell her I don't wish to bother with her if she is going to continually cross it. I just end up feeling depressed whenever i see her.

 

[PeekABoo]

You're welcome, CJ. I think various family members pick up what they saw as children and carry on the 'tradition'. Your sister may just be doing what comes natural to her... what she saw with your mother.

Drinking was a big deal in my family for the men... you weren't a man unless you swore like a sailor and drank heavily. My younger brother went that route - so much so that it killed him a couple of years ago. My father is narcissistic and just about everything has to revolved around him... plus, he's not at all compassionate or understanding of anyone else's feelings, and he's very controlling, domineering and can be mean and cruel, plus he had an explosive temper - which is part of the NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) he has. He also yelled a lot. My older brother picked up that personality disorder. My mother did the snooping bit, reading my mail and my diary, making all my decisions for me without asking what I'd like to do or what my opinion was, and if I voiced it, it didn't matter, she found some reason why her opinion was valid and mine wasn't. She could get really angry and cut you to ribbons with her tongue. I have picked up just a tiny bit of all that, unfortunately. I try to control it because I sure didn't like it being done to me, but there are times I can't seem to... but just slightly and not often at all.

But when you've got people all vying for the most important place in the family... someone gets left behind. That was me, and my younger brother to a small extent. I grew up feeling so unloved and unimportant. I guess I've had depressions since I was a child. It's not fair that not all of us could grow up in a healthy family... but that's just the way life is. Then it's up to us to 'fix' what we've become. I didn't realize all of that was abuse until I first went to a counselor about 2 years ago. Then I found out for the first time in my life that there was such a thing as emotional abuse. Beating someone with your fists isn't the only way to hurt or maim them.

I hope it goes well setting the boundaries with your sister and I hope she does change towards you in the near future.