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MKarlie
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276 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let's begin. This is everything wrong with me and things I hate happening in my life. I'm 19 years old at university.

1) Never had a girlfriend, never had a girl as a friend.
1.5) Hence virgin.
2) Was bullied up until age 18, never had friends.
3) Age 19 had friends for a little while, I was too weird for them, they left me.
4) I have episodes of depression.
5) Self image is like a roller-coaster, sometimes I feel great, others times I hate myself.
6) My phone gives me stress, I yearn good friends but avoid talking to anyone.
7) I hate going outdoors, self conscious.
8 I use video games as an escape from reality.
9) I choose hobbies that isolate me, for example, the gym.
10) My brother is the exact opposite of me, which is horrible, like he's living the life I want.
11) I'm scared of public transport.
12) I hate answering the phone or calling people.
13) I'm socially awkward, not shy, but awkward. Example: In a group discussion about sport I'll suddenly bring up something like 'what's everyone's favourite colour!?'
14) I can't relate to guys, and I'm a guy.
15) I don't talk to girls much out of fear.
16) I always accidentally insult or upset people.
17) I'm scared to get a job, because it requires talking to people.
18 When I do play on games I adopt an accent and different personality, like it's an escape from myself as well.
19) Hypochondriac.
20) When I get angry I'll stay angry until I've destroyed something. (The last thing was my IPhone 5, before that my wardrobe)
21) I tell people I don't use Facebook so my 30 something friends list has a reason for being so low.
22) My cousins are very popular, and they know I'm not so treat me like I'm disabled.
23) My brother hangs out with *** holes, so insults me on a daily basis.
24) I've given up trying to get a girlfriend because it feels hopeless.
25) I avoid everyone.
26) I hate working.
27) I hate not working, because people try to talk to me.
28 Other socially awkward people make it even more awkward, so I avoid them as well.
29) I don't drink, makes me feel sick.
30) I've never had a real friend, who has known me well.

And now a couple I have never told anyone because I felt ashamed, embarrassed or felt they were just wrong. But I'll share them with you guys.

31) I felt suicidal around 15 years of age, during the bullying.
32) Some of my earliest memories were of me crying in my room, because I thought my life was so boring.
33) I used to cut myself, not for any particular reason. I think I was craving attention.
34) I sometimes refused to masturbate for weeks, as a kind of battle with myself. It's like I feel like I didn't deserve to because I wasn't normal.
35) When I watch porn I don't get aroused, I just feel anger.
36) When I see girls I get angry, a sort of jealousy. Like I can never be with them.
37) Sometimes I wish that my house mates were dead. Or were in some sort of accident, just so I wouldn't have to deal with them.
38 I often get an overwhelming fixation with super hero figures from movies. It's like I have a desire to feel special or have something special about me, like they have their powers.
39) I often force myself to like girly things, like disney films. In an effort to be similar to girls, then I get angry that I'm still single.
40) I often wish that I may be reincarnated as someone else when I die, so I can start my life over.
41) Bolt was the most depressing movie I have ever seen.
42) I constantly try and move things with my mind. In the hope that I have telekinesis. Then at least I'd be special.
43) I have conversations with myself constantly, and do impressions of people all the time. It's like I'm always trying to escape myself.

And now my darkest secret. I've never told this to anyone. I didn't think I ever would, even anonymously. But here it goes.

44) I used to have a deep desire to be a girl. Not transsexually or anyting, but because I felt they had better lives than men. They always seemed popular to me, and men would approach them, all they'd have to do is decide whether they'd accept him or not. They are beautiful, and while walking around people would check them out, so they'd get attention. Meanwhile I was stuck playing football in the rain, getting pelted in the face with a ball. I had long hair, a big nose, I looked like ****. I had no friends, just fictional characters. I used to fall asleep hoping I'd wake up as someone else, as anything else. Because anything was better than the ****ty live I was leading.

THERE. I SAID IT. There's everything. Take it as you will.

Actually, you know what? There's more. I didn't even think to put this stuff in but oh well.

1) I take personality disorder tests online in the hope that I have one, so it explains why my life is so ****. Also I'd use it to explain my awkwardness to people.
2) I have a reoccurring dream in which I'm in a movie of some sort, with my favourite characters. Then at some point they leave me, or turn on me.
3) I'm ridiculously immature for my age. (I'm 19) My brother is more mature than me and he's 14.
4) I will sometimes pull faces at myself in the mirror, for literally about an hour. (That's a long time) During this time I'll analyse every aspect of my face, and usually come away feeling miserable about my looks.
5) Everywhere I go, wherever I am. As soon as I pass a reflective surface I'll look at my reflection. Not admiringly, but with disgust.
6) When a movie ends, or a game I'm playing ends. I'll get an overwhelming feeling of depression.
7) I'm scared of the dark.
8 I'll block people on Facebook for saying hello to me.
9) I love going to bed at university so I don't have to talk to anyone. I'll usually stay up until 5am to make the most of it, then try and sleep for most of the next day.
10) I'm a compulsive liar. And I'll either exaggerate the truth or tell a full out lie to people for attention. I also tend to act all happy in order to get attention.
11) If something happens like a coincidence, a sense of deja vu or anything strange, I'll automatically jump to the conclusion that I caused it with some sort of power.
12) I can't hold many things in thought at one time, any more than three things and I have to write it down somewhere, otherwise I'll forget one. My life in this respect is like the movie Memento.
13) I find it hard to work, and hence nearly failed all of my GCSE's and A-levels, unlike my classmates I couldn't blame this on going out with friends, because I had none. I merely lacked motivation, because I felt my future was hopeless.
14) I refuse to check girls out on the street, or watch the pavement when one passes by. It's like my lack of a girlfriend means I don't deserve to interact with girls at all.
15) I often come on sites like this to express all my problems, in some sort of hope that it will make my life better. It never does.
 

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Truckin'
Joined
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132 Posts
scary how many of these things hold true for me as well.

do people tend to treat you like you are retarded or slow? I get that a lot... they never say anything, but they talk to me like I'm 5...
 

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MKarlie
Joined
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276 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
scary how many of these things hold true for me as well.

do people tend to treat you like you are retarded or slow? I get that a lot... they never say anything, but they talk to me like I'm 5...
Yeah kind of. It's like there's a group of people I live with at uni, and they sense I'm different. When they address other they are relaxed and laugh at each other etc, the normal 'banter' as it could be called. When any of them address me they treat me differently, like I'm a child or something. They also sometimes ask my opinion on things because they know my response will be odd. It's annoying, I just want to feel like I belong and not be constantly put aside like this.
 
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