certainly. i feel like such a downer at times and in certain situations when i'd be hanging out with friends for a long time i end up feeling, not exactly depressed, but just apathetic and reclusive and i don't want to even try to talk and i just sit there. people are used to it but i still really dislike myself for it, and it's hard to change.
last night i went out to a friend's then a big party and i had started drinking at 7:30pm and by the time 2am rolled around i was just in that kind of mood where i felt a bit numb and i wasn't feeling good and couldn't enjoy myself or even fake it. i ended up leaving at like 4am, because of laziness maybe and waiting for a friend to join me for food after but not wanting to drag him away. i always tend to feel very guilty about it and always unwanted.
i also feel like i'm too depressed (even though i'm hardly am anymore) to just have close friends or be in a relationship. i feel like burdening them when i open up about thoughts related to my negativity, insecurities, stupid fears, etc. i would just always seem so self-deprecating and it would get irritating after a while. i still open up about that **** occasionally but i try not to go too far with constantly mentioning it in regular conversation. it would get tiring eventually.
(though sometimes when i do casually mention it regularly i don't mean it in a depressing way, and i'm more poking fun at myself but i don't know if it would always come off like that if i seem too serious in the first place)