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Grind
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I wake up every morning, and the first thought that goes through my mind is, 'I hate my life.'

I'm a materialistic person for the simple reason that I wear socks...

And I don't open up at all, to pretty much anyone. I haven't had a conversation with somebody in a long time. So lately I haven't even liked writing posts in general...

But I think I'm beginning to understand that this is my life. I have to live this. No matter how much I'm hating it, or how many times I say that I would rather be dead. I think I also have realized that I have the power to put what I need, in my life, and what I want, in my life. To do what I need to do, what has to be done. While leaving everything I don't like, what is toxic to me and my mind, out the window...

The hardest thing for me to deal with now is lonliness, and believing that everything will be OK. I don't have any hope. All I know is that I can lead my basketball team to where it needs to be...

I'm a very selfish person. I believe it's necessary to an extent...

Anxiety is anxiety. I want to believe that I'm mentally disordered. But I'm not, I just want to be so I can have an excuse for being scared and nervous. My dad always said, they used to just call that shy when I was a kid. Nonetheless, I do believe I have delt with serious anxiety and panic attacks, with no help from the alcohol and marijuana that I abused for a long time. Panic is real, everyone panics...

Love is what is missing in my life. Love for myself from myself, and love from somebody else...

I think everyone can notice that I'm depressed. My coach asked me if I was awake today. He said I looked tired. That's better than my manager asking me if some one died in my family...

College is hard work also. I've had to see tutors. Then basketball practice, going to class and doing homework...

This is my life. I don't owe it to anyone but myself...

Controlling my thoughts is real hard. I know I'm going to wake up in the morning and say, 'I hate my life.' I'm going to replace it with, 'This is my life,' because that's just as true...

I'm never going to be a 'bubbly' person. I'll be considered boring, and no fun to some people. I'm a competitor, I pride myself upon being real...
 
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