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Nyctophiliac
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I didn't see a thread about eating disorders on the recent threads, so I thought I might put one here as someone who has suffered from one for years. I guess this is a place where you can tell your story without being harshly judged, so I'll start with mine.

My eating problems started when I was fifteen. My father was a drunk and extremely physically abusive. I was a sophomore in high school, had JUST moved to America and was very stressed about going to an American school and meeting people. Around the second week of sophomore year the abuse began to reach its peak, and I felt there was no way to handle the negativity that consumed my life, so I started eating.
As odd as it is, I never gained weight from it. I guess as a fifteen-year-old kid my metabolism wasn't screwed up and was relatively normal. After finally beginning to fear being overweight, I stuck my finger down my throat and love ensued.
My eating disorder became an obsession that controlled my life. I would do it at school. I would come home and it would happen there too. I kept it a secret for a long time. There were some days when I would throw up twenty times, easily.
My secret was busted when my little sister Maeja walked in on me with my fingers down my throat. I spent hours begging her not to tell our parents. Of course she did anyway.
Recovery was painful and long. I still have urges to do it, but can easily fight them off, which I am proud of. I have permanent damage to my teeth, though luckily the damage is not as bad as it could have been as I brushed them constantly and still do. I have scars on my knuckles from where my teeth would tear into them when I made myself throw up.
Let's just say that I am glad that those years of my life are over. I'm aware that it's rare to have men/boys have eating disorders, but it happens. If you have an eating disorder and need someone to confide in, I'll understand.
 

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intimacy without pain
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I was very saddened to read of your struggles with your ED, OP. :( This was one of the most heatbreaking and candid accounts I've read in a long time. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa but I've been partially weight restored since late last year, though my mind is still very sick.

I'm happy someone relates, but I'm sorry you've had to go through so much. It's really good to read you're doing so much better. :)
 

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Nyctophiliac
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I was very saddened to read of your struggles with your ED, OP. :( This was one of the most heatbreaking and candid accounts I've read in a long time. I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa but I've been partially weight restored since late last year, though my mind is still very sick.

I'm happy someone relates, but I'm sorry you've had to go through so much. It's really good to read you're doing so much better. :)
I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles as well. Please feel free to confide in me if you ever need someone to listen.
 

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I was diagnosed with anorexia at a very young age. My life at that time revolved around countless blood tests for leukaemia as I bruised very easily.

There were also always threats of having a tube put into my stomach to force feed me to eat. My parents praised me once just for putting on 3 ounces.

Waking up to feeling my mum putting a numbing patch put on my arm and smelling the anaesthetic cream is something that used to fill me with dread. It did have it's plus side though in the form of those yummy ensure plus milkshakes: chocolate, vanilla, coffee, banana etc.

Now 22 my weight hovers between eight and a half stone to nine stone. It has kind of stayed here for years. I still battle with anorexia though.

It is very easy for me to go all day without a meal and not even notice I'm hungry.

Also, if I am stressed or unwell my eating will stop for days.
 

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Nyctophiliac
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I was diagnosed with anorexia at a very young age. My life at that time revolved around countless blood tests for leukaemia as I bruised very easily.

There were also always threats of having a tube put into my stomach to force feed me to eat. My parents praised me once just for putting on 3 ounces.

Waking up to feeling my mum putting a numbing patch put on my arm and smelling the anaesthetic cream is something that used to fill me with dread. It did have it's plus side though in the form of those yummy ensure plus milkshakes: chocolate, vanilla, coffee, banana etc.

Now 22 my weight hovers between eight and a half stone to nine stone. It has kind of stayed here for years. I still battle with anorexia though.

It is very easy for me to go all day without a meal and not even notice I'm hungry.

Also, if I am stressed or unwell my eating will stop for days.
Eating disorders suck. << That's a total understatement.
The problem for me is that when I'm drunk, I have bulimic episodes. Extremely severe ones. I will scream, have cursing fits and lock myself in the bathroom and make myself puke for hours. I have lost so many friends and significant others because of that. It's stressful, damaging and scary to think that the person I am is someone who used to spend his life with fingers down his throat. I try not to get drunk very often, but it still happens, and I hate it.
 

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Eating disorders suck. << That's a total understatement.
The problem for me is that when I'm drunk, I have bulimic episodes. Extremely severe ones. I will scream, have cursing fits and lock myself in the bathroom and make myself puke for hours. I have lost so many friends and significant others because of that. It's stressful, damaging and scary to think that the person I am is someone who used to spend his life with fingers down his throat. I try not to get drunk very often, but it still happens, and I hate it.
I am so sorry some friends and S/Os haven't been understanding with you :( It is awful when people judge. People used to make jokes about me in P.E. like I picked up a shotput and someone said careful you don't snap your arms and started laughing. I also had people push me against a locker and start laughing at how easily I fell over.
 

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Nowhere
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I've had an ED for the past year. I've always had issues with my body but it never was this extreme.
It really is hell. All my thoughts have been consumed by food and what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat etc. I don't think about anything else.
I've restricted my food intake and lost a lot of weight.
I don't have much help.. I went to the Doctors a few days ago and she was a complete rude ***** to me. I was crying about the fact my period has stopped and she showed no sympathy.. she said "and why do you think that is? You're not eating. Eat more and you will get your period back". The problem is I CAN'T eat more.. I don't know how. My brain is completely messed up and I don't know how to eat properly or like a normal person anymore. My parents don't get it either.. I want to recover but my Mom is kinda rushing me, which leads to me getting upset or having panic attacks.

**** this. I want to recover, but my ED is controlling me telling me not to recover. I don't want to get fat when I start eating "normal" again. I'm so conflicted..everyday is like a constant battle in my head. My rational side vs my eating disorder side. I don't think I'll ever get better :(
 

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I've had an ED for the past year. I've always had issues with my body but it never was this extreme.
It really is hell. All my thoughts have been consumed by food and what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat etc. I don't think about anything else.
I've restricted my food intake and lost a lot of weight.
I don't have much help.. I went to the Doctors a few days ago and she was a complete rude ***** to me. I was crying about the fact my period has stopped and she showed no sympathy.. she said "and why do you think that is? You're not eating. Eat more and you will get your period back". The problem is I CAN'T eat more.. I don't know how. My brain is completely messed up and I don't know how to eat properly or like a normal person anymore. My parents don't get it either.. I want to recover but my Mom is kinda rushing me, which leads to me getting upset or having panic attacks.

**** this. I want to recover, but my ED is controlling me telling me not to recover. I don't want to get fat when I start eating "normal" again. I'm so conflicted..everyday is like a constant battle in my head. My rational side vs my eating disorder side. I don't think I'll ever get better :(
I can so relate to the parents rushing you bit they done the same to me :( the professionals seem to scorn you like it's your fault but it really isn't. I forced my mum to stop taking me to the hospital in the end because the threat of tubes got too much.

Suddenly it became about pleasing them and trying to prove my worth to them rather than eating for me. I gradually got better when I practically discharged myself at like the age of 7/8. Rushing can make anyone feel under pressure and distressed :(.

I totally empathise with where you are coming from, it isn't your fault at all. I am sure you have what it takes to get better though, but in your own time without people making it seem like a massive challenge. I believe in you *hugs* You can be a lot stronger than you feel you are. That is one thing I have learnt from being an anorexic :).

If you need to talk we are all here for you ^^.
 

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^ Thanks :)
I don't really get much support at home or anywhere else. It's so easy to feel alone in all this.
 

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^ Thanks :)
I don't really get much support at home or anywhere else. It's so easy to feel alone in all this.
You certainly don't have to be alone with this :) feel free to send any of us a message we are more than happy to give you the support you need ^^
 

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If any of you need someone to talk to, I'd be willing to listen! Eating disorders are no joke, and they're very hard to overcome. It's better when there's someone who understands you.

I actually have been experiencing what is called orthorexia. It's basically when you avoid certain types of foods because they're unhealthy for you to the point where your obsession becomes unhealthy (if that makes any sense). I happened to go through anorexia because of it back when I was in high school. There's a lot of pressure to be thin when you're competing in an endurance sport.
 

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If any of you need someone to talk to, I'd be willing to listen! Eating disorders are no joke, and they're very hard to overcome. It's better when there's someone who understands you.

I actually have been experiencing what is called orthorexia. It's basically when you avoid certain types of foods because they're unhealthy for you to the point where your obsession becomes unhealthy (if that makes any sense). I happened to go through anorexia because of it back when I was in high school. There's a lot of pressure to be thin when you're competing in an endurance sport.
I'll take you up on that :) it is a nightmare to deal with :(. You think you are over it then it comes back again. While I am no longer seeing the dietician it still is an ongoing battle. I don't think anyone can ever truly be over it but I think you can minimize greatly the troughs you experience to make it something you can live pretty normally with.

While I am nowhere near as bad as I was I still skip meals. Like I HAVE to be told when I should eat otherwise I'll forget about it lol weird I know.

Wow never heard of orthorexia before but it sounds just as awful :( Some people can be so judgemental with their pressure though I totally empathise. I hope you are doing okay for yourself now?
 

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intimacy without pain
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I've had an ED for the past year. I've always had issues with my body but it never was this extreme.
It really is hell. All my thoughts have been consumed by food and what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat etc. I don't think about anything else.
I've restricted my food intake and lost a lot of weight.
I don't have much help.. I went to the Doctors a few days ago and she was a complete rude ***** to me. I was crying about the fact my period has stopped and she showed no sympathy.. she said "and why do you think that is? You're not eating. Eat more and you will get your period back". The problem is I CAN'T eat more.. I don't know how. My brain is completely messed up and I don't know how to eat properly or like a normal person anymore. My parents don't get it either.. I want to recover but my Mom is kinda rushing me, which leads to me getting upset or having panic attacks.

**** this. I want to recover, but my ED is controlling me telling me not to recover. I don't want to get fat when I start eating "normal" again. I'm so conflicted..everyday is like a constant battle in my head. My rational side vs my eating disorder side. I don't think I'll ever get better :(
That's unspeakably terrible. :no I completely get where you're coming from. I had to see probably five or six different therapists before I finally found one that knew practically bullying me into eating and making me feel like an idiot with a pretend disorder wouldn't help at all. It seems so prevalent with this specifically, because the solution seems so simple and obvious, but eating disorders wouldn't be classifiable disorders if it was simply a matter of choosing whether or not to eat.

I really hope you find a medical professional to take you seriously. I know this must feel really invalidating. I think you're already doing as well as you possibly can and you should be proud of yourself for even wanting to get better. Many people are too scared. Please don't give into your mom and rush the process. I know that for me, if I gained weight too quickly, it would make relapse a lot likelier, so I think that going at your own pace is important, so long as you're making progress and quick weight gain isn't essential to keep from risking your life at this point...

Please feel free to drop me a line anytime if you ever want to talk about things or need support. It really sucks to be alone with this.
 
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