Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm yet again mortified over being caught overdrugged. Well, this time drunk. I've gotten in trouble several times with ambien and/or benzos. So the last couple months I've been coping with my anxiety and insomnia with whiskey and rum. Rather than having to lay there all night practically twitching, listening to my heart race, I drink 5 or 6 shots. Then I can actually relax, listen to music, just feel a little more normal. I'm not allowed to have sleeping pills or benzos any more because of using them too much on a few occasions. So all I have to turn to is alcohol. It doesn't really make me feel good, but it just makes all the other stuff less painful. You know, numbs it. Yesterday morning I woke up or came to, I don't know, with my dad trying to get in the door. I'm wrapped in a sheet or something. I can barely talk and I'm crying. My mom and the neighbor from across the street get clothes for me and force me to take a bath. They're going to take me to the hospital but my dad says I don't need to go. The last thing I remember before all of this was drinking, my usual evening taking place. I was actually fairly drunk since I got home from work. I've just gotten very used to hiding this, so no one had any idea. I was thinking, 'god, i'd really really like a cigarette now. i guess if i drink enough I'll forget how bad i want that too.' I must have lost track of how much I was drinking. My dad said when he tried to make me go to school at 7 in the morning, I was moaning and stuff. So anyhow, now I've screwed up again. Every time I do something like this, I hate myself more and more. I'm actually pretty sure I'm going to drink some tonight or at least by tomorrow. I'm not allowed to take the meds that work. And I mean, if I didn't have enough reason for that behavior before, this humiliation has certainly pushed me across that line. Ever since I used more benzos than I was supposed to (like a double dose I think) my parents have treated me like a druggie and a drunk, told the whole family I have drug problems. I know my mom will have a time calling up everyone and telling them about this. Instead of calling the family to gossip about her "mentally ill" daughter, couldn't she call the psychiatrist or counselor for me that I've been telling her I'm too afraid to call? I know it's not their fault. I just don't know what to do really.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
324 Posts
(((Keikei)))

The best thing you could do right now is make that call to a psychiatrist or some other counselor. You need help to get over the using/drinking thing. Plenty of other people haved face the exact same problem and overcome it. You can, too.

What is it that frightens you about the call? Can we support you and help you get over that bump?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks. Well as far as the phone goes, I panic like crazy. There's the anticipation of the ringing, not being able to see the person or even know who's going to answer. I don't know why but I've never gotten the hang of even faking talking normal to strangers. I just kind of stumble over my words. I just get so nervous that I forget how to talk and stuff. So it takes me forever to just get out some simple information and I can just feel the receptionist or whoever rolling their eyes, you know?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Staystrong12: Actually my old psychiatrist recommended me going to them but for drugs. I mean, I feel like I'm not really an addict of any one thing in particular. Just basically w/e I can get. I had to quit 60 mg a day of adderall cold turkey last May. I didn't have any help from doctors or anyone and I just shut myself inside. The withdrawal was so horrible, I could barely get out of bed for at least two months. I think I should have seen someone to talk about that stuff. I've just been horribly nervous and depressed ever since all of that. Certain breezes and stuff will give me flashbacks I guess. I'm afraid to go outside on nice days because of those. They really freak me out and I feel like I'm right back, to when i was begging god to not let me die, every day thinking my heart was going to explode, but not being able to stop taking the medication. I think that talking to a counselor might help me learn to deal with that stuff. I don't know though. I might just be stuck like this forever. As far as going to aa meetings i think that they might help? I mean don't they just talk about being powerless and giving your life to god? And how do people go to those without worrying about losing their job/friends? I work with children and if anyone saw me going in a meeting and it got back that would be horrible and then _everyone_ would know that I'm a bad person and stuff.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
324 Posts
I don't personally advocate Alcoholics Anonymous but it has helped some people stop drinking. You have to be careful, Keikei, that your alcohol use doesn't become an addiction that gets out of control. It already messed up one morning for you. That's the big problem with alcohol.

Here are some ideas for the phone call. Write down all the key information like your name, telephone number, and why you want counseling on a card. Then when you're on the phone and your mind goes blank, just read something off the card. There is no reason you have to "talk normal" -- you just have to get the information across. Also, do you have a picture of someone you find friendly? It could be a picture of someone you know or some other picture that looks like a friendly person. Put that picture next to the phone and imagine you are talking to that person when you call.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
I had a drinking problem and got help last year, did the whole AA bit. I look back and think there are a couple of times I mixed alcohol with Rxes and could have probably died. I've been quasi sober since 2-27-08 and completely sober (not one drink since) 6-4-08. Life is so much better now. I urge you to get help. You've got people that love you, that's a start.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
208 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you for those suggestions. The picture idea could possibly help. And I guess the thing is, it's weird but I honestly always feel sorry for people who insist on constantly remaining sober. I know that sounds horrible, but I just can't imagine there being any point in living if one can never relax. I mean being on some kind of relaxant whether it's in pill form or through my last resort of alcohol, is the _only_ time my gut isn't churning with panic. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or who I'm with. Nothing else makes it stop. I really don't understand how anyone can possibly be happy without those things. I mean do normal people just find ways to actually relax and feel happy, like enough so that they feel satisfied, just on their own? I don't see that ever being possible for me.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top