[living in darkness]

...

 

[millenniumman75]

Living_in_darkness,

There a saying that I have heard here "If you think you're going crazy, you're probably not". You have some valid points and are being quite honest. You are questioning the reasoning behind staying sober.

The reason why people resort to addictions is to escape the pain. The pain never goes away, it's just delayed when you have a fall. The thing is, the pain doesn't grow bigger, it just delays your reaction to it.

"after everthing I've done, the depths that I have fallen to, the lies and everything that comes with addiction, I can't live with myself sober."

Is this really true? You had an awesome day yesterday! I want you to know that that part of you that you despise is part of the addiction. If you, in your sober thinking, know deep down that you wouldn't do the things you did, you have absolutely nothing to feel shame about.

Your own best thinking, when unclouded, will make you one heck of a cool person!

 

[living in darkness]

(deleted)

 

[millenniumman75]

millenniumman75, thank you. I'm trying to make it. I want to make it. F$%k do I? Really???

Yes, you want to make it, or you wouldn't be here!

If I continue with this, it will eventually kill me. If I stop, I will be miserable for the rest of my life. But really? Will I? Your comment about being a cool person sober really kind of struck me.

Slowly, yes. You are letting the alcohol take you over. If you stop, you will actually be allowing the real you to come through. What I saw of you yesterday was awesome. I think you are a nice guy.

You are talking to somebody who has just a blur of memories and emotions and I rememeber being sober in AA and so many people, I mean like a lot of people in there, really liked me and wanted to hang out with me.

That is because they (we) like you for who you are.

Even girls. I've had AA girlfriends. It all just seems unreal, like it never really happened and it's all like something I don't want to deal with. I really cannot even belive that I was once sober for over a year and was dating this pretty hot girl who was a paralegal, and I had friends in AA

Did I lie? :no

and...have you ever taken acid? Or salvia, dxm, or mushrooms...any kind of psychedelic?

Nope. My life is already messed up without complicating it.

But I know that we all run out of time, and my time is coming soon to join that long line of sober, miserable people in AA

You are only miserable during the period where you feel like you are being dragged through the coals. You are cleansed through the fire! You should then learn how to become comfortable with who you are without the alcohol.

....I've always been jealous of rock stars and celebreties, it seems like they can use forever and be protected from the police and everything, and have all the money and access to everything. But do they? So many die, of course I would die...it would kill me, no doublt. Having all the money, the access to dope.

Fame isn't always what it is cracked up to be. Have you ever seen The E! True Hollywood Story". There are a lot of stories about how drugs and alcohol have severely hurt one's career (Whitney Houston) and even caused death (Chris Farley/John Belushi/Kurt Cobain). A lot of them just want to live normal lives but don't know how to cope with all of the attention. I would rather have friends than fame. That is the key to overcoming addiction, learning how to redirect behavior so that unmet needs are met.

I was just going to say thanks for replying and I guess this shows how much I need to talk to other people. You know, it really just comes out sometimes. I have crippling social anxiety, but I've managed sometimes just out of desperation to talk in AA meetings and stuff. It's hard, man is it hard...but there is something about talking to other people that seems to kill off the disease.

You are welcome, anytime. Talking to others takes the focus off of self and onto other people. You are a good person; anyone who is this deep with their feelings has to be. You shouldn't let a bottle of liquid keep other people from seeing the real you. You deserve to have friends: people who want to get to know you.

 

[living in darkness]

millenniumman75, thank you again. Thank you so much. I'm sober again, and I'm going spend the night at my parents place (about an hour away). It may do me some good.

 

[bent]

i also drink/get high often to escape from the unpleasant feelings. i think its normal, its just a question of degree and control. but if someone already has other problems then obviously they will feel a greater need to escape. i can relate to a lot of what you have said, livingindarkness.

i guess you should try to gain control and if cutting down on the intoxication is the way then that's what you should try to do...but also, don't feel bad about it because i think it's really a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

 

[Bon1]

Yep, wonderful, it's great that people can have a drink or two in order to relax.....I'm an ex drinker, that can now drink, in moderation.......BUT......I really don't want to.......There was a point, I couldn't imagine living without drink! Now.....It's like.......I prefer it............

It takes time.........I found something more important than myself, my rock bottom was a new beginning. I got pregnant, that was it;-)