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Well, early today I had a dream. In the dream, I was sort of a "passive oberver"; I wasn't myself, but someone else. I was at a class re-union where a couple of my friends from my old elementary school (before my SA manifested as it is now) were. I was sitting down at one of several tables in some type of patio area where they were all sharing with each other random things and facts about how their lives have changed, but for the most part, everyone was happy with how things turned out in their lives. They were going by a one-by-one basis, sort of "calling out" names like Kevin, Andrea, Katherine, etc. at which point that person would go on a little about themselves and everyone would eventually end up laughing about something. Then someone eventually called out my name, and everyone got silent. Then, one of my friends said, in a quiet, hesitant voice, something that maybe sounded like this: "I... I heard that... he - he committed suicide last month..." Then everyone suddenly had such pained expressions on their faces... One girl covered her mouth with her hand as if she had just seen a tragic car accident, one guy said, "The poor guy..." while someone else was like, "No... Why?" They all just sounded so downcast, as if they had just lost a close relative. The dream just seemed extremely real, but the pain I felt after seeing the reactions of all my early friends' responses to the news of my death in the dream was just too much to bear, and I soon woke up, and it makes me think; I can't give up like that. I can't go down that road, no matter what happens. Somehow, someway, I have to keep going on fighting this thing, no matter what it takes. I just can't give up.

If ever I am to someday attend an old class re-union like the one in my dream, I just have to make sure that nothing like that will ever take place. Maybe I'll even be like one of the others with something positive to say about my life thus far, and everyone can laugh and have a good time - I sure hope so.
 
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