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Dubstepper
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339 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've come to a dead end here.

My anxiety and depression are relatively managed, but I still just do not want to be me.
I thought it was due to the previous issues I just said, but I'm starting to just think I will never want to be who I am. I'm one of those people that can find an answer for everything. My mental issues were solved primarily through meditation, but even with a calm relatively anxiety/depression free mind, I still cannot find very many reasons I want to be myself.

I know all my good qualities, I know most of my bad qualities, and it's just not enough. I feel like any position I put myself in the future will be affected by this, how much better it could be if I was just someone I actually wanted to be. Every interaction with another person - that's not me.. I would never want to be me.

The obvious answer is to just 'accept' yourself, but I am too aware of everything myself and the outside world to accept that.

Because of this, I only enjoy being alone more than anything else. I spend time with people, but their perceptions and the way people see and treat me is something I can never change, because I can't really change myself- I can be slightly more positive, more outgoing, but in the end it's relatively the same person that I don't want to be.

There are things I enjoy doing, but none of these involve other people. It's a prison really, because I feel like I've already become nearly the best I can be, yet it's not even close to enough to desire being me.


I should also add that I spend a lot of my time exercising, learning new things, meditating, and trying to develop video games... all of which should make me feel better about myself, but it's honestly just a distraction from having to be myself. I wanted to mention this because exercise and using your mind often are common solutions to this problem.. but not for me.
Through the internet, I've learned just about everything I wanted to know about the world. Even down to elementary particles. Sure, there is lots more to learn, but I won't be the one to discover it. It feels like there's nothing new or interesting to do and not wanting to be me makes it even more dull of a world. Go out and explore the world? Yeah.. maybe if I was in someone else's body.
 

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I'm the same way. My anxiety I can deal with. My depression isn't so bad. I just hate myself and I always will. I wish I could snap and be somebody else who is less of a loser and not so ugly.
 
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