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Depressed
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It surely seems like that for me. I could only feel alright with having friends if I would see them once a week or so but people would never see you as a friend if you don't hang out almost every day.

Also, a big part of this is the phone calls. I don't want to be available all the time, I want to be left alone a lot of times, but people feel offended when you don't answer your phone. You don't get to choose if you want to talk to them in that moment or not. If you don't, you're a jerk.

So there's no way I could be happy being in a normal (which I consider outrageous) friendship.

I know people have different types of personalities and some feel better when they are with someone else, but I can't understand how giving up so much of your freedom became a necessity if you want to have friends. I can't believe people allowed it to be this way. How can they accept this?

And, do you believe there must be something wrong with those who would rather be alone than share all of their time with other people?
 

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To be honest, I don't think I could ever cope with having more than one or two friends.

The idea of having lots of friends just means that people won't leave you alone, but the only downside to that is, once people realise that you want to be left alone all the time, they will stop talking to you and you will have no friends again, for me anyway.

I know how you feel.
 

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Friendships can be hard work. Like any relationship. Being with friends every week would probably be already too much for me. But being a friend means you have to be present when and if they need you. It's not a one way street. If it is, it isn't a good friendship. I'm unhappy to say this.

And, do you believe there must be something wrong with those who would rather be alone than share all of their time with other people?
Absolutely nothing wrong.
 

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permanently barnacled
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Ya i feel it is, which is what makes it impossible for me to make any because nobody else seems to think it is. Nobodys willing to put in the resources and time to grow one, and instead of making a few quality friendships, everyone has a million friends who they barely no, and i've never been down for that.
 

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Out there...
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I'm quite aware of the burdens you describe there. Having friends I say is still pretty good, especially in that you have more things to do and it decreases the chances of being involuntarily alone more.

With that said, I more often than not like to do my own thing. So even with friends, I'm likely to turn down quite a number of invitations because they conflict with what I really wanted to do all along. Unless, of course the thing I'm being invited to isn't that less interesting than what I initially wanted to do.

I also hold off on committing on something with others, even if I want to go. That's usually because it conflicts with my own thing, but that the latter possibly might fall through. I know that probably annoys people out there who just want me to simply say "yes" or "no".

But what's the alternative? If I said "no", but then wound up showing up, that might make the situation too awkward for them, since they weren't expecting me after I said "no". And if I said "yes", but then never showed up, that would disappoint the other person (or people). If I do that enough times, I can bet enough money that the other person will certainly stop wanting to spend time with me. So I just go with "we'll see" instead.

Yeah, this whole having friends things has been foreign to me for so long that I forget how draining it can be sometimes. I find it very difficult to stay committed to anything, unless it somehow aligns enough with what I like to do. I can't imagine what it would be like for me to be married of all things.
 

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Out there...
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On the other hand, I think it can help to see things from the other person's/people's perspective. If you wanted someone to come hang out, and they never answered their phone, wouldn't you eventually get tired of trying?

I've been on both sides before, so I identify with the frustrations either way.
 

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Same here, I've lost my real life friends just from wanting to be alone and not going out with them every single weekend in my late teens and 20's. Eventually, they stopped asking altogether and then stopped texting and calling. I miss them a lot, I just can't keep up with the constant social aspect, it's so tiring for me.

However, the bad part is that sometimes, I want to go out to a bar with friends and watch the game or something but now I don't have anyone to do that with, so it's all or nothing in my experience.

So it's come to the point where my only friends the past 7 years or so have been my go's and then when a breakup happens, it's even more devastating because I'm suddenly completely alone again.
 

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I share a lot of the same feelings as you. It's probably why I will never have successful friendships. I just can't stand the feeling of having people that close all the time because for me, it's a hellishly uncomfortable way to live. I've had people who wanted to hang out every day and it was way too much, I couldn't handle it. I ended up pushing them away, back to a comfortable distance.

I've learned that getting people to understand that you need your space is pretty much impossible. It seems that the universal logic of my age group is: If you don't want a ton of fake friends up your a** 24/7, then that means there is something wrong with you.
 

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I guess I am lucky because I am terrible at creating new relationships, but I have friends from way back in school who I am still in contact with. However, I find my friendships to be a chore.

It feels like I only do social things with them as a kind of "appeasement", I don't want to piss them off I guess by ignoring them so I drag myself around with them... I like having them there but at the same time I hate having to do social stuff with them.

I am also never comfortable around them. Even though I have known them for years and years, I guess it's like they have never known the real me as I have always put on a facade around them that I am this sociable fun guy. When I am with them I can just get really uncomfortable and don't really enjoy being there... unless I am drunk that is.
 

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The idea of daily phone calls or thrice-weekly outings does sound like a lot, yeah. I don't know how people can possibly find enough to talk about to fill the time when it's that often, because who does or thinks of anything new over the course of an evening when there's work or school to worry about? I try to get around this by seeking out people who are more like myself.
 

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c'est moi
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You're an introvert.

So am I, and I have had the same thoughts that you posted here.

Friends require a little sacrifice, yes. Is it worth it? That's kind of up to you. *shrug*
 

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Depressed
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
You're an introvert.

So am I, and I have had the same thoughts that you posted here.

Friends require a little sacrifice, yes. Is it worth it? That's kind of up to you. *shrug*
It's a simple and effective way to put it.

By saying "a little sacrifice" it sounds like you suggest that it is worth it. Am I right?
 

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It seems to be the best way to deal with it but you don't have much to choose from.
I haven't really had a problem with that yet, since I don't need much company. Just a handful of people is fine.
 

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Depressed
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I haven't really had a problem with that yet, since I don't need much company. Just a handful of people is fine.
But you can't focus on finding people who share the same passion as you, you will be friends with someone just because they would leave you alone most of the time. It's the problem of being the minority.
 

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But you can't focus on finding people who share the same passion as you, you will be friends with someone just because they would leave you alone most of the time. It's the problem of being a minority.
I think that depends on the individual. I also don't need friends who share many interests, since I'd rather have fun dissecting topics, sharing experiences, and goofing off than exchanging movie suggestions or playing video games. I really couldn't care less if the people I talk to have anything in common with me as long as we have something to talk about. Most of my passions are also things nobody who spends all their free time socializing has time for, so...
 

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Depressed
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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I think that depends on the individual. I also don't need friends who share many interests, since I'd rather have fun dissecting topics, sharing experiences, and goofing off than exchanging movie suggestions or playing video games. I really couldn't care less if the people I talk to have anything in common with me as long as we have something to talk about. Most of my passions are also things nobody who spends all their free time socializing has time for, so...
Indeed, if you have something to talk about, it's alright.
 

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I could only feel alright with having friends if I would see them once a week

a big part of this is the phone calls.
I feel that way too...and luckily I have a friend who also feels the same way. I only catch up with him once a week, sometimes twice, and we almost never call or text one another...we only text to confirm the night we are catching up. However...we've been friends for over 7 years and are very close and share a lot in common, and both agree going much more than a week without chillin' just doesn't feel right. We're both introverts who prefer our solitude, but still want to kill those feelings of loneliness/isolation. I hope you find a friend you're comfortable with too.
 

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Depressed
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
On the other hand, I think it can help to see things from the other person's/people's perspective. If you wanted someone to come hang out, and they never answered their phone, wouldn't you eventually get tired of trying?
Yes, I would. But I'm not one of those who would call people just to let them know how much fun I am having at the moment, or to talk about anything just because I have to wait for something and have nothing to do. If the main purpose of phone calls would be setting up meetings, it would be alright.

It seems that my picture of an ideal friendship would resemble a reunion of 2 or 3 persons. Everyone doing whatever they want and occasionally meeting to discuss thoughts that occurred meanwhile. What can people talk about if they don't have time to think about anything between their discussions?
 
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