[sasmiass]

i saw quite a few thread here about "i will never find a bf/gf" or "i am single for xxx years" or "i am a xxx y/o virgin" ...

here is my question, does finding a bf/gf help coping with SA problem?? and how would it be if s/he find a bf/gf??

here is a story of my friend:

i know a 20-ish friend who claimed he has serious SA problems. he is pretty introverted and afraid to go out and meet new ppl. and he never had the courage to ask a girl out. but i know very well that he tries his very best not to look like having SA problems.

now he has found a gf not long ago. i just wonder if he is serious with her or take her as a remedy.

another question is: do you think he recovered from SA?? and how do you guys think he will treat his gf?? would it be serious?? i'm worried that he is dating that girl just for having a gf but not really enjoying the relationship.

 

[Inuyasha]

I was absorbed into SA when I met my fiancee, ugh. You should have seen when we met up, I couldnt have her staring at me. But after awhile it eased my tension being around her, and it became smooth sailing being around her. We live together now, and I even use the bathroom around her, its kinda gross but when you first start going out and need to utilize the toilet, you will know what its like. lol

Though this did help out my SA, I wouldnt say it fulled cured me. I still prefer indoors, and do whatever needs done in the evenings.

But yes it does help, oh and also dont take your relationship as OMG YOUR THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME as love. It can be quite easy to mix love with loneliness.

Best of luck =]

 

[beaches09]

I think it can help tremendously. Not just with S/A but many things in life. Even as just being very good friends. One girl I met last year was about 10 years older than me. And I consider myself an "on top of my game" type person with whatever it is, just meaning I consider myself good at figuring things out and doing what I have to do to get the things I need etc. Anyway my point is not about me, but it is about this particular girl I met. She was ohhh so very wise let me tell you. I thought I was the shizzle and this girl knew things about my personality without me even saying a hitch or even giving more than 3 seconds of a hint. She immediately figured out my natural issues about certain things and instantly offered the most perfect advise on how to overcome these given situations, showed me and taught me profound things I hadn't learned or realized yet, etc. Things like that. And she did it with wonderful grace. It was amazing to have someone in my life that was older and wiser but at the time had the same "younger fun loving free spirited" mindset as me.

So yes being with people always helps because you can learn from them.

 

[AussiePea]

Personally it helped me in the way that I knew people were attracted to me in that kind of way rather than just being good friends. That gives me confidence that I can find someone to spend the rest of my life with. However my SA in general is still too strong (feeling of inadequacy, poor appearance etc) and I could not cope with the pressure of the relationship at that time.

But I think it definitely can help because it just answers so many of those questions a lot of us SA sufferers have like "does anyone like me", "would anyone want to be with me" etc etc. Certainly learned a lot about myself and it really helped clear up and make more sense of my SA as well which has been fundamental to my current therapy being successful thus far.

 

[randomname]

It definitely helped me, partially due to the circumstances of the get-together. We were fairly good friends anyway, and he'd been through a bad breakup and no one thought to even ask him if he was ok, he looked like he was having a really rough and lonely time of it. Something about him just meant I could overcome the worry I have when I'm trying to help people because before I even realised I liked him in that way I just knew I'd do anything I could to make him happy. Keeping him company when he was said turned into general hanging out turned into best-friends turned into relationship, and 14 months later here we are. And if it weren't for him these past 10 months or so I would've gone insane.

BUT a word of warning; DO NOT EXPECT IT TO SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. It worked with me and him because of all the circumstances, because I loved him enough then and still love him enough now to be able to overcome my fears for his sake, and because he loves me enough to want to help me get through this - for MY sake, not for his own needs. I'm gonna be honest with you, it's not something you can expect from meeting any random guy/girl. So don't rush into a relationship with the first person who shows you the slightest bit of interest because you think it'll solve all your problems. Not that you have to be in it for the long term like I am. And maybe even just having a short casual relationship will boost your confidence! But if you're anything like me, you like the idea of the comfort and security and safety that you get from a serious relationship, and it's no good just trying to jump into that with anyone at all. You'll just upset yourself.

 

[Aurora]

What Ive learned is, no one else can help you, you can only help yourself. I think this applies to relationships too.
Ive had a few bfs and I can say when I was with someone, my SA was worse, when single, not so much.
When I met my partner 5 years ago, I dont think he suspected SA, I was living the single life. Now 5 years down the road, my SA is worse. So for me, a relationship does not help. If anything it gives me more comfort that I atleast have 1 person in my life, which can be a burden on him. Its a comfort thing. If I was single Id surely be trying to get to know more people, because then Id be ALONE.
So to the people who say 'I will never find a gf/bf', dont focus on this so much, as someone will come along and they arent going to cure your problems, focus on yourself first.

 

[hiimnotcool]

Hell no.


It might make you feel happy and good for a little while but it eventually turns into a game that's just not worth being played. You don't want to hear from anyone in this thread who are already in relationships because of course they're going to say 'yeah it helps so much!!!' just because they think that their current relationship is going to last forever. Realistically, relationships don't work out between people. Especially if you have SA because the partner WILL eventually get tired of helping you through it.

 

[OhNoTaylor]

No I don't think it will help in the long run. It may make you feel better at first because you feel validated, but it won't last forever. In a relationship you're still you with the same problems you had when you were single.

 

[Ericisme]

I think it would help a lot. You could go outside to the mall, or just anywhere with her\him. That would give most people soo much extra confidence "Hey everyone, look at me! I have a boy\girlfriend!" Plus you and her\him could work on SA together, if he\she had it also, or he\she could just help you. Maybe start hugging in public, then after a while even kiss! Plus you could just stare at eachother for an hour and work on eye contact. =D

 

[hiimnotcool]

I think it would help a lot. You could go outside to the mall, or just anywhere with her\him. That would give most people soo much extra confidence "Hey everyone, look at me! I have a boy\girlfriend!" Plus you and her\him could work on SA together, if he\she had it also, or he\she could just help you. Maybe start hugging in public, then after a while even kiss! Plus you could just stare at eachother for an hour and work on eye contact. =D

Wrong.

When you have a girlfriend you start having more nerves about things you've never thought about. When you go to the mall you start thinking about how other people are looking at them, and wondering if they're looking back. Eye contact gets kind of uncomfortable because they'll always end up asking what you're thinking and usually you aren't thinking and they keep pressing the issue. Then you keep trying to convince them nothing was going through your mind and they get angry because they can't understand that. I've had 2 really long term relationships and they were both the same way despite all of the two girls differences. It's hilarious. No matter how different two people are they always end up VERY similar to eachother that it's mind boggling.

 

[AussiePea]

I think it's a little unfair how you are stating that as fact rather than opinion. From personal experience I can safely say it has made a positive difference for me in the longer run because I do feel more confident knowing that someone can find me an attractive and likable person.

You really cannot talk for anyone else other than yourself with things like this, it all comes to personal experience and the only way you can know how it will affect you personally is to actually experience it first hand.

 

[anomalous]

In my case, it made things significantly worse in the long run. Granted, it's a unique case and partially my fault. It was my freshman year of college, and I essentially became obsessed with this girl shortly after I arrived here, partially due to not knowing anyone else (I had talked with her online beforehand, so she was one of the first people I actually met in person). Sad to say, I spent almost that entire year either alone (including hours a day talking to her online) or with her. We were "friends" for a couple months before she finally brought up the possibility of a relationship (since I was too chickensh!t, naturally) - but she seemed unsure of what she wanted at that point, which should've been a big red flag, but due to my obsession I walked right into it anyhow. She could smell my desperation and used it to her advantage, teasing me with signs of interest in other guys and actually breaking up with me twice before I decided to sever all ties. This all went on over a period of several months.

In the end, the "relationship" (and I use that term loosely, given the lack of... er, intimacy that occurred) had two lasting effects on me. The first is that I'm now even more convinced than ever that I should just completely avoid dating and girls; before her, all my worries had focused on flat-out rejection, but she made me realize that even someone who agrees to enter into a relationship with me might not actually be romantically attracted to me (I'm not sure whether she was just using me, was too nice to reject me since we were already good friends and she was a bit of a loner too, or both). In other words, going through a period where I believed - shocking as it was - that a girl could actually be attracted to me, only to ultimately learn she probably never was, left me permanently scarred and extremely cynical (girls who are "too nice" to reject a guy they're unsure or lukewarm about, take note! You're not doing them any favors!). The second effect was to rob me of that crucial freshman year in which, despite my rather severe SA, I probably would've at least met a few friends had I not been so consumed by my dead-end obsession with this girl. Of course, the following year I had to start fresh, and by that point groups and cliques were already established and I'd sort of missed the boat.

Again, a lot of what happened in my case was partially or fully my own fault. But a couple of things to take away from it, I guess: 1) make absolutely sure to maintain existing friendships and/or strive to form new ones even after you get into a relationship - if you don't think you can make yourself do this, don't get into the relationship - it's absolutely not worth it no matter how tempting it may be, cause 95% of relationships aren't going to last more than a few months! And 2) be wary of allowing your self-esteem and self-worth to become too attached to the other person's approval. By going from being a guy with a terrible self-image WRT girls to thinking I was actually attractive to a fairly good-looking girl, only to have it all ripped out from under me later on, I did such damage to my self-esteem that I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to trust a girl again, even if she shows signs of interest (it's been 3 years now and I still feel that way).

 

[hiimnotcool]

I think it's a little unfair how you are stating that as fact rather than opinion. From personal experience I can safely say it has made a positive difference for me in the longer run because I do feel more confident knowing that someone can find me an attractive and likable person.

You really cannot talk for anyone else other than yourself with things like this, it all comes to personal experience and the only way you can know how it will affect you personally is to actually experience it first hand.

Okay. We can agree to disagree. Except for the part of having to experience it yourself. If you can be in a relationship and have it turn out bad and still feel good about it then you're a better man then me.

I don't really feel like I'm talking for myself only though. You mean to tell me that when you date a girl you don't start thinking that she is looking at every other guy who walks by? Or that she's going to get tired of your anxiety at some point? If you can honestly answer no to those questions then more power to ya. I think that 'jealousy' or 'worry' is common in people that don't even have SA. But with us it's just that much more problematic and it WILL send significant others running for the hills after awhile.

 

[AussiePea]

Yes mine did not turn out great, pretty awful in the end really, but I don't dwell on the negatives and instead concentrate on the positive things I learned and felt during that period. It's with these positives that I can make more progress with my SA. That seems to be the main problem people have when a relationship ends, they dwell on the negatives "I'm useless", "If I had not done this/that/whatever it might have worked", blah blah. Sure for a couple of months you feel like utter **** but people need to learn to look at what they gained from the experience and use it to their advantage in the future.

It's this constant negative attitude which is what stops people from making any real, long term progress against their SA, because if you tell yourself you will fail before you even start then you will never succeed.

 

[imt]

Nope

 

[hiimnotcool]

Yes mine did not turn out great, pretty awful in the end really, but I don't dwell on the negatives and instead concentrate on the positive things I learned and felt during that period. It's with these positives that I can make more progress with my SA. That seems to be the main problem people have when a relationship ends, they dwell on the negatives "I'm useless", "If I had not done this/that/whatever it might have worked", blah blah. Sure for a couple of months you feel like utter **** but people need to learn to look at what they gained from the experience and use it to their advantage in the future.

It's this constant negative attitude which is what stops people from making any real, long term progress against their SA, because if you tell yourself you will fail before you even start then you will never succeed.

Okay I'm seeing what you mean now. You're not saying the finding of the gf/bf is what helps specifically, but the confidence that knowing you can attract someone and the lessons you glean from the relationship in general can be beneficial. I agree COMPLETELY there.

I took this question more literal I guess. Nobody else will ever make another person 'better' is all I meant. Most relationships end up bad and that's just the nature of the beast. I've really never dwelled on the past and honestly have never really been to upset when I lost a relationship with a girl because I just expect that it will happen. I might be sad for a few days but never say 'if i would have done this' etc.

So, in short. Yes it can help in the short term and potentially provide long term confidence. In the long term if you put all your confidence in that person, you will be disappointed.

 

[Hippo]

i've had only one girlfriend in my life, but the experience made me more open and warm towards people, not just her but to everyone else in my life also. People often commented on how much more generous and friendly I had become.

 

[Clearly Obscure]

Ha. If this is the solution, then I'm doomed.