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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Some none SA people asked me the below question:

If who have managed to get through a date in spite of SA and your date asks you back to their place does your SA disapear?

Is that act of intimacy between two people in private still a social interaction, some people dont talk during it, and so something that will induce social anxiety?

If you do get anxious would you call it sexual anxiety instead? Or would you consider it simply a part of you're SA?

I think that as SA is about an irrational fear of humiliating yourself in front of someone else and that you can make mistakes or be negatively evaluated during the act (especially if you dont have a lot of experience) that it can be considered part of SA.

If you call it sexual anxiety instead, do you think there is a strong correlation between it and SA?

Of course you have to talk after the act is a usual social interaction.:)
 

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Good god no, if anything it gets far worse.

I am terrible at reading non-verbal clues. I've been asked if I was gay more than once because I was too nervous to make a move.

If by some miracle we do actually end up together, I still have a hard time maintaining eye-contact, or telling her what I like or what I would like to do.

After the act can still be nerve-wracking, as you wonder how you measured up, was she faking etc.

It's still SA - it doesn't change whether you are clothed or naked.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
After starting this thread I came across this study.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12416596
Do a google search for "sexual function and behavior in social phobia" to get the paper.

They started from idea "Social phobia is a type of performance and interpersonal anxiety disorder and as such may be associated with sexual dysfunction and avoidance. The aim of the present study was to evaluate sexual function and behavior in patients with social phobia compared with mentally healthy subjects."

In the discussion section:

"The major finding of this study is that social phobia is associated with and complicated by poor sexual performance, marked avoidance of sexual activity, and change in sexual behavior. It is important that clinicians be aware of this aspect of social phobia and initiate open discussions of sexual problems with patients."


A bit depressiing. This doesn't apply to everyone Ambient, I'm sure you're just fine :)
 

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If who have managed to get through a date in spite of SA and your date asks you back to their place does your SA disapear?
Disappear? No. My SA "disappears" when I've spent enough time around a person to get completely comfortable with them- which could take weeks or never happen, mind you.

Is that act of intimacy between two people in private still a social interaction, some people dont talk during it, and so something that will induce social anxiety?
No because by the time I'm being intimate with someone, I know them well enough that it's no big deal. I would never be in an intimate situation on a first date situation, or before I'm completely comfortable with a person.

I'm old fashioned like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
If the woman is in my social circle, someone who I would really like to be in a relationship with I think this would make my anxiety worse. If it was instead a one night stand with someone I was never going to see again and wasn't contemplating a relationship with there would be less pressure to perform and my anxiety wouldn't be any where near as bad.

I did date someone who was in my circle of friends. I didn't see her very often because she was in a relationship with someone. When that ended she started hanging out with us again and wanted to start a relationship with me. I cant say I was comfortable being intimate with her cus I had to drink a bottle of vodka to phone her up and ask her to the cinema and my voice was still shaking - it's not like we ever had cosy little chats together or anything like that, she was just another person at the table who laughed at my jokes, I could never get the woman alone from our friends to engage in anything intimate and get used to it. It didn't work out in the end because she wasn't very understanding of SA.
 

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I would not go back with them if this was our first date or the first time we've met. Since I would only go back with them if I felt like I know them and am therefore comfortable with them, my SA would lessen but not be gone.

I'm assuming you mean sex. Yes it is a social interaction, talking isn't the only way to socialize.

I call it fear of intimacy (which is more than just sex), and it may or may not be related to my SA. I'm sure SA doesn't help, though.

SA, or social phobia, is an irrational fear just like all other phobias. However, it has a severe and noticeable impact on the way sufferers interact with other people and their environment. It is understandable, therefore, that many or most people with SA would be uncomfortable, anxious, or totally afraid of sex or any kind of intimacy, despite how much they might want to be able to do those kinds of things.

I think sexual anxiety is separate, because there are bound to be people with SA who do not have anxiety about intimacy in any form, just like some people with SA seem less shy than others. Also, many other aspects can lead to the development of sexual anxiety, some of which may be caused by SA or by a different source, such as depression or a history of bad experiences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I used to have generalised social anxiety but it has improved a lot in the friendships area of my life. This came from years of exposure going to the pub. I can become comfortable with people a lot more easily now, especially when drunk.

My SA is more specific now. It arises in dating situations because I've had such little exposure to it - it's unfamiliar, also I'm clueless at it and dont know what I'm doing a lot of the time, and it's a high stakes situation. This all brings back those SA feelings again especially when the guy has to take the initiative, is expected to be bold, to pass tests of mettle.

This is what happened with the women from my circle of friends who I dated. It was very high stakes because a liked the women a lot - she is attractive, six years younger than me, clever, talented and actually was interested in a long term relationship. One time at the pub by a fluke I did the right thing to get an offer - she hinted I go home with her. I walked with her for a bit but then bottled out. This was because she was 6 years younger and probably had been having sex for 10 years whereas I was a virgin in his early 30's. I was intimidated and also their was pressure to perform because I wanted a relationship with her. I continued to date this woman for a while - I could make her laugh and she really liked me but I just couldn't make things happen because of SA and incompetence.

I took a break from seeing this woman and I met another woman. I didn't like as much and wasn't realy contemplating a relationship with her so there was less pressure to perform. We met up for a date. It lasted a long time and we got along very well, she was nice and I was comfortable around her. She was a lot more easy going than the other woman - there weren't any tests of mettle, I didn't have to do be bold and the level of intimacy was increased gradually throughout the date up to the point we had sex (It helped that we had to go back to my house at the end of the night so I couldn't do my usual flight response anyway). And like I said I wasn't contemplating a relationship so there was less pressure to perform and it didn't bother me as much making mistakes and it becoming obvious that I wasn't experienced.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
In the book Social Phobia From Shyness to Stage Fright there are some interseting case studies:

"But no movies, porno or ortherwise, show you how to get from the hallway to the bedroom, from being dressed to undressed, from kissing and caressing to actually having intercourse. My father is a doctor, and he taught me everything there was to know about sex from a physical point of view. But was always felt like I was missing the really important information: how to do it without making a complete *** of myself."

I can relate. I'm clueless and the uncertainty and lack of structure in dating causes anxiety and inaction.
 
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