Sadie08, you should consider talking to someone there about this to overcome your fear of not wanting to go home.
I've overcome a lot of my privacy issues by deciding to change my ideas of what should be private and doesn't need to be private.
I need to close the door when I use the bathroom, I do close the shades when I sleep at night, I keep medical things to myself (i.e. when I'm constipated, but I do openly discuss my SA with anyone), and respect other peoples privacy when they confide in me (I do not gossip). That's about it. I don't care if anyone wants to know about me. In fact, a lot of people ask me how I did some things (open businesses, and other things) and I tell them.
I decided if someone is going to look in my house as they walk by during the day, I'm OK with that. On the other hand, if they stop on the sidewalk and stare in my house, noticibly for a while, then that deserves a stern look of disapproval and a curtain closing till they move along, because that's rude. Rude and privacy are two different things.
The people sitting outside watching you take the garbage out may be knuckleheads, but I doubt they discuss your garbage removal habits for any amount of time afterwards and even if they did no harm is caused. (as opposed to co-workers watching your every move, waiting for a violation to have you fired, that can cause harm) So, this garbage disposal watching by the neighbors may be considered an unnecessary discomfort you are suffering that can be overcome.
I have a neighbor (small suburb with small single family houses) that is ALWAYS outside. Whenever I leave he says, "Hi, what are you doing today" or something similar. He isn't keeping a log of what I'm doing, he's being friendly. So, I tell him my plans for the day! It's easier to do that than to wait for him to go inside before I leave the house, and no harm is done by telling him what I'm doing. Often, when I get home he's still outside and asks, "How did it go". I tell him, "Fine, thanks" and walk inside, or "Fine, thanks, how was your day?" when I feel OK with talking for a while. He knows sometimes I talk and sometimes I don't. He thinks I'm normal, and I am, because people talk someomes and sometimes they don't because sometimes we're busy. Back to privacy, there have been times when I said, "I have to run now, I need to use the bathroom." Hows that for overcoming?
Privacy is really something new, it's expensive and if you consider it carefully its rather unnecessary. It's new because prior to indoor plumbing, you can guess the level of privacy one had at any given time. Indoor plumbing is pretty recent when you look back on history. How much privacy existed 100 years ago? How much 500 years ago before most people had locks on their front doors? It's expensive becasue the more money you have the more privacy you have. Spend on more insulation in your walls, ceiling and foor (condo toilet flushing). You can spend more money and sell your condo and buy a house to avoid that too. You can spend more on acreage to separate your house from your neighbors. And so on.
It's really unnecessary because how much privacy do you really need? Be careful, because I asked how much do you need, I didn't ask how much you want. You want a lot, I know. But, when you look at any person we all do the same thing. We all sleep, eat, use the bathroom, put clothes on, and "everything else".
Basic living is done basically the exact same way by all people. Any amount of effort to keep your's private seems unnecessary, when rationalized. Non SA'ers will hear your toilet flush and not care or think about it what so ever, or will watch you take out your garbage and only see you taking out your garbage (they won't be thinking about what's in the bag, judging you for taking out garbage, or anything else you may think about).
If you can try to work on keeping it in perspective, by knowing that no one cares (or thinks twice) about the things you do, it will be helpful for you to overcome. When this practice is applied consistently, and with anything and everything that worry's you, it'll help you overcome your SA. When you're capable, one time when you take out your garbage, consider walking up to those people that sit outside, and say, "Hi, I'm Tony (use your name of course). I see you outside here a lot and wanted to introduce myself and say hello." Then, if they start to talk and you want to run away, say "I'm sorry, I have a lot more cleaning inside before I have to ...(have something ready to say)... , so I have to go now, but it was nice meeting you". The more you elminate your desire for privacy the more freedom you feel. It's a tough first step, but it gets easier.
You know, you already did exactly what I said above. You did it successfully with nachos in the food court. Expound on that, and apply that same feeling to when you go home, and everything that happens after you get home.
When you mentioned "knowing where I live" and "what I'm doing", you're right, that's irrational. They don't care where you live and what you're doing. Talk to your therapist about this to learn methods to use to overcome and use that to practice getting and keeping those thoughts consistenly rational for comfort. It'll help you not freak out about going home. The whole purpose of what you're doing is to make it so you don't have to freak out ever again. If you need help understanding how to do that in particular situations, ask the people there to help you with those, and apply what you learn to all other situations as necessary. You can get there, keep going.
: )
:afr
