[Socialmisfits]

I’m almost 40 and still at home without a job and I’m not ok mentally about it at all but I also don’t have the strength and willpower to change it.
Every couple of months some uncles visit and then I have to hear how my nephews and nieces are doing so well and it makes me feel oh so bad for myself and my parents.

I’d rather not know anything about them at all, considering I am the oldest and doing by far the worst. As a result I can hardly speak, I avoid speaking to avoid personal questions and I am usually not sitting in with them to socialize, I just pretend to be busy doing something else.

Of course you pick up on things, how some of them now work abroad, bought a house, generally being normal like 99% of the people. It completely ruins my mood and I get really down during and after such visits.

I also dread when “good” news comes like babies, marriages, Christmas etc. It is so stressful for me, I’d rather get sick and not turn up at all (a sad excuse I have used all too often).

Why does it feels like everybody is so much more smarter, brighter and interesting than me. I’d rather not have contact with anyone for the rest of days If the result is feeling terrible afterwards.

Just venting here, I don’t expect help really, it is hopeless anyway, I made similar threads in the past, I am beyond help. Please let someone feel related though pff

 

[Blue Dino]

Not really family member visits, but I can relate to the same feeling with extended family gatherings. I am pretty behind for someone my age in relative comparison to my peers. With some help from a past therapist, eventually I've kind of taught and trained myself to numb that mindset out of trying to compare myself relative to others and just perceive myself in my own little bubble. I just focus on myself instead. Knowing I will never catch up to them, and that it is irrelevant comparing myself in relative to them. It helped for a time, until my mom eventually got obsessed with angrily reminding & confronting me of how behind I am with my achievements compared to my peers of my age. Ever since then, I've struggled back and forth giving into her constant words and coaching myself afterwards to undo them. .

 

[Socialmisfits]

I can see lots of similarities. My mother does the same but has a different approach. She would jokingly refer to my situation like “you should work and then give 20% of your earnings to me”. Luckily this is rather rare when people are visiting but when it is just me and my parents this happens regularly.
I also say sometimes I feel so different than my peers to which she replies “get a job”, it is not that easy for me.
My mother shames me as well by saying how she doesn’t say to people I don’t have work because she is ashamed by it, I understand her I really do but it is irritating and not helpful.
My father stays quiet he knows I am annoyed by it.

My anxiety gets triggered very easily when my folks are talking about other people or as I explained we get visited. I try to shut myself off but it is not easy.

I also “amuses” me when bad news comes around, not that I show it obviously but it sadly makes me feel less alone out there. It is very shameful thinking of me. I am very desensitized when other people near me have bad news.

I have (had) close friends or family members that for example went abroad and learned foreign languages and then they heap all kinds of praise on them while I just sit here being redundant in every way. Then when news arrive they lost a ton of money out of stupidity I also get a sadly amusing feeling.

Luckily it never gets too grim, I don’t wish anyone a disease or death and I hope I never get to that point…I would not forgive myself.

Thanks for the reply 🙂

 

[Itsmehilary]

I get a feeling of being judged, ridiculed and laughed at whenever I'm around my siblings. I get nervous when my parents have come to my home, but I've never really invited anyone else to my home as an adult.

 

[irishkarl]

Im awful around family especially extended family, i always have nothing much to say, i dread times that im stuck in their company. I have a family wedding on the horizon but i plan pulling a sickie. Im going to get myself admitted to a psychiatric hospital a week before the wedding to treat my mental health issues. I know i dont need to be admitted but im gonna make sure i dont have to go to that wedding.

 

[QuietbutBoss]

im 20, and i feel the same tbh. I know that theres always time to change and do things that you want to do, but i too dont really have much will power. I went from being very adamant about persuing veterinary medicine at university to being jobless at home, i barely even graduated high school. Not even wanting to apply to a university now. My older siblings arent the best off either but my sister was one i was closest with and she moved out, and got married. It happened so fast but to see how she went from being in the same boat as me, to doing so well now does cause me stress and i get so uncomfortable seeing her. I think its very common for us to point out our own shortcomings and compare ourselves to other people. But we all move at our own pace. And i believe every person has a purpose and that you can find something in this world that makes you happy and that youre proud of. You just need one lil thing to hang onto to make you feel good about yourself, at least more than you do now. I know its all easier said than done but if youre not in a position to physically change things in your life right now, your mindset is a good place to start as well. I hope you arent too hard on yourself, mental health is a huge thing and is ofter overlooked by everyone else. Its not our faults we struggle so much sometimes. Im here if youd ever like to talk, i hope things get better <3

 

[Dan the man]

I fully sympathize.

Any time personal stuff comes up I flinch. I elected out of a family outing coming up for this very reason. It’s all to much to bear for me anymore

 

[donistired]

I struggle to trust any of my family members not to be judgemental. I have a couple cousins I appreciate and they have had an influence on my life wether they know it or not.

 

[WillYouStopDave]

Well, with the Covid thing, my family actually (surprisingly) doesn't want to risk it so we never really have people in our house. But otherwise, whenever we come into contact with other family members (be it close ones or distant ones) I know it's inevitable that my mother will start with the stupid comparisons. The comparisons don't really make me feel bad about myself (though that is her goal). Rather, they just irritate the **** out of me and I'll eventually tell her to knock it off. Which is what she wants so I hold off as long as I can hoping she'll eventually get distracted and stop on her own. Which of course doesn't really work. Even if she stops for a couple of days, she will inevitably start it up again.

And of course holding off and just putting up with it for as long as I can only makes me madder and madder as time goes by so is really self-defeating. She knows that too and is why she keeps doing it.

At the end of the day, all of the family members she tries to compare me to (whether the comparison is intended to be favorable or unfavorable) couldn't be more different from me if they were from another planet so the whole thing is just really stupid and petty and is really just her trying to start a big argument because she thrives on conflict and bickering.

I can always tell when she's been on the phone with distant family members I haven't seen since the early 90s because she chatters about them endlessly.

 

[Socialmisfits]

1 week ago it had nothing to do with family but rather the child of friends my parents had over the years. My father was asked to do a job at the child’s house (I say child but obviously he is a grown up my age). Turns out this guy is a lawyer, filthy rich, living in some kind of mansion with a huge pool house, a heated pool, a porsche, you name it…
My father hasn’t recuperated from it, he has been expressing his awe and at how rich he was and how his friend must be proud of his child. Especially that last part hurts, he should not have mentioned that, it is basically admitting I am a failure.

I couldn’t care less about someone else’s personal life or his wealth but my father is the total opposite. I told him it has no effect on me to have a life like that (and I mean that) to which he replied in a rather annoyed manner that he finds it very important.

I know what I tell here isn’t the worst thing in the world but it affects me. I know my folks are disappointed in me, they don’t tell me directly but it is very easy to sense. They have always expected a lot from me, for some reason they thought I would become a grade A student. I went to college because they said so, I would have been better off if I had work at 18 instead of wasting 6 years in college. It didn’t do my self confidence any good being surrounded by ambitious lively young people.

And now I feel bad for talking negatively about my parents because despite my lack of growth in life as a person and professionally they are nice for me. They could have kicked me out a decade ago but they didn’t. If they did I might have grown some courage, I might be better off but they didn’t. We never really argue but sometimes not calling out what’s going wrong feels just as bad as keeping silent about everything.

That said I do not want a confrontation, this status quo is the best it can be for the time being. I rather sulk on my own than going into fights with my folks. That is not worth it either.

 

[Linnie48]

I get a feeling of being judged, ridiculed and laughed at whenever I'm around my siblings. I get nervous when my parents have come to my home, but I've never really invited anyone else to my home as an adult.

I was always ridiculed and judged by my siblings and family members because I acted different from them. I had a good relationship with my oldest sister but not the rest of them. I still have no relationship with my living siblings today.