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I would have posted this in the frustration board as I am quite upset about it. But after thinking long and hard for awhile, as much as it bothers me so very much, I wanted to try to look at it in a positive way and perhaps get some feedback on what to do about it.
I'm not going to vent even though I want to, I'm resisting the urge to do that so I'll just say this year has gone pretty horribly for me compared to last year. Just a bunch of small series of events made me feel bitter about myself even more and now I think its coming to a hault.. or I would hope its coming to an end soon as I do not enjoy any of it not one bit.
Two people who I've been friends with, have been distant with me over the past couple of years. One of them I've known since I was 4, we just have grown apart with different interests but she is still interested in being my friend. She just doesn't know how to talk to me anymore, as my mom has recently told me this year. So.. I rarely hang out with her and talk to her because we've moved from "best" friends to more like acquaintances type of connection and I'm going to leave it like that for now. (I'll tell you in a second why)
The other person was an online friend who I chatted to for 4 years and we could have very deep conversations about anything and made up childish games when bored. She is a bubbly person and helped me through some tough times when nobody else seemed to care much at all. But we had lots of arguing between us over the past year and sadly, she had to end the friendship on me this past April since she couldn't handle it anymore. I cried for a month, I still cry a bit til this day.
What both of these friendships I had have in common is my mom talked to me about it and said that I tend to sabotage my own friendships and I agree with her on it. I vent too much to others and though I try to be honest, sincere and loyal to everyone and help them. Being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere because I have trouble trusting others and don't know when I've crossed the line. I looked up emotional abuse and I seem to fit it on both sides the abuser and the victim.
I want to make more friends but I don't feel like I am able to make any friends right now if I will just end up pushing them away in the long run. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. My mom then asked me of what my definition of a good friend to me is... and I was stumped. I seem to have lost my definition of what I think a good friend is and in turn forgotten how to be a good friend as well. I just feel like I'm an emotional vampire who needs to be kept in a box and never be let out.
I really only have one friend, online one who I've been chatting to for about 7 years now. I am very paranoid of sabotaging this one and only friendship I have... I explain to her my issue but she still doesn't quite get it. She has a bunch of issues herself so I feel I'm just feeding into it and think she is in the exact same boat as me but I don't know.
I would list the many things I tend to do to sabotage the friendship but I don't want to bore you with it. But my biggest one is that I don't want conversations to end :/ and I really don't know why... other than the usual feeling of loneliness overwhelm me. How does one tackle such a habit that won't lead to further damage. I'm just coming to terms with this this year. And the anxiety just makes it seem worse with trying to make new friends and coping with everything else in my life.
I just feel very used and abused... not to anyone, just myself *sigh* I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from all of it - I just wish I could figure out a way to stop it before I truly end up alone. Anyone feel the same way?
I'm not going to vent even though I want to, I'm resisting the urge to do that so I'll just say this year has gone pretty horribly for me compared to last year. Just a bunch of small series of events made me feel bitter about myself even more and now I think its coming to a hault.. or I would hope its coming to an end soon as I do not enjoy any of it not one bit.
Two people who I've been friends with, have been distant with me over the past couple of years. One of them I've known since I was 4, we just have grown apart with different interests but she is still interested in being my friend. She just doesn't know how to talk to me anymore, as my mom has recently told me this year. So.. I rarely hang out with her and talk to her because we've moved from "best" friends to more like acquaintances type of connection and I'm going to leave it like that for now. (I'll tell you in a second why)
The other person was an online friend who I chatted to for 4 years and we could have very deep conversations about anything and made up childish games when bored. She is a bubbly person and helped me through some tough times when nobody else seemed to care much at all. But we had lots of arguing between us over the past year and sadly, she had to end the friendship on me this past April since she couldn't handle it anymore. I cried for a month, I still cry a bit til this day.
What both of these friendships I had have in common is my mom talked to me about it and said that I tend to sabotage my own friendships and I agree with her on it. I vent too much to others and though I try to be honest, sincere and loyal to everyone and help them. Being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere because I have trouble trusting others and don't know when I've crossed the line. I looked up emotional abuse and I seem to fit it on both sides the abuser and the victim.
I want to make more friends but I don't feel like I am able to make any friends right now if I will just end up pushing them away in the long run. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. My mom then asked me of what my definition of a good friend to me is... and I was stumped. I seem to have lost my definition of what I think a good friend is and in turn forgotten how to be a good friend as well. I just feel like I'm an emotional vampire who needs to be kept in a box and never be let out.
I really only have one friend, online one who I've been chatting to for about 7 years now. I am very paranoid of sabotaging this one and only friendship I have... I explain to her my issue but she still doesn't quite get it. She has a bunch of issues herself so I feel I'm just feeding into it and think she is in the exact same boat as me but I don't know.
I would list the many things I tend to do to sabotage the friendship but I don't want to bore you with it. But my biggest one is that I don't want conversations to end :/ and I really don't know why... other than the usual feeling of loneliness overwhelm me. How does one tackle such a habit that won't lead to further damage. I'm just coming to terms with this this year. And the anxiety just makes it seem worse with trying to make new friends and coping with everything else in my life.
I just feel very used and abused... not to anyone, just myself *sigh* I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from all of it - I just wish I could figure out a way to stop it before I truly end up alone. Anyone feel the same way?