[~Jessie~]

I would have posted this in the frustration board as I am quite upset about it. But after thinking long and hard for awhile, as much as it bothers me so very much, I wanted to try to look at it in a positive way and perhaps get some feedback on what to do about it.

I'm not going to vent even though I want to, I'm resisting the urge to do that so I'll just say this year has gone pretty horribly for me compared to last year. Just a bunch of small series of events made me feel bitter about myself even more and now I think its coming to a hault.. or I would hope its coming to an end soon as I do not enjoy any of it not one bit.

Two people who I've been friends with, have been distant with me over the past couple of years. One of them I've known since I was 4, we just have grown apart with different interests but she is still interested in being my friend. She just doesn't know how to talk to me anymore, as my mom has recently told me this year. So.. I rarely hang out with her and talk to her because we've moved from "best" friends to more like acquaintances type of connection and I'm going to leave it like that for now. (I'll tell you in a second why)

The other person was an online friend who I chatted to for 4 years and we could have very deep conversations about anything and made up childish games when bored. She is a bubbly person and helped me through some tough times when nobody else seemed to care much at all. But we had lots of arguing between us over the past year and sadly, she had to end the friendship on me this past April since she couldn't handle it anymore. I cried for a month, I still cry a bit til this day.

What both of these friendships I had have in common is my mom talked to me about it and said that I tend to sabotage my own friendships and I agree with her on it. I vent too much to others and though I try to be honest, sincere and loyal to everyone and help them. Being nice hasn't gotten me anywhere because I have trouble trusting others and don't know when I've crossed the line. I looked up emotional abuse and I seem to fit it on both sides the abuser and the victim.

I want to make more friends but I don't feel like I am able to make any friends right now if I will just end up pushing them away in the long run. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. My mom then asked me of what my definition of a good friend to me is... and I was stumped. I seem to have lost my definition of what I think a good friend is and in turn forgotten how to be a good friend as well. I just feel like I'm an emotional vampire who needs to be kept in a box and never be let out.

I really only have one friend, online one who I've been chatting to for about 7 years now. I am very paranoid of sabotaging this one and only friendship I have... I explain to her my issue but she still doesn't quite get it. She has a bunch of issues herself so I feel I'm just feeding into it and think she is in the exact same boat as me but I don't know.

I would list the many things I tend to do to sabotage the friendship but I don't want to bore you with it. But my biggest one is that I don't want conversations to end :/ and I really don't know why... other than the usual feeling of loneliness overwhelm me. How does one tackle such a habit that won't lead to further damage. I'm just coming to terms with this this year. And the anxiety just makes it seem worse with trying to make new friends and coping with everything else in my life.

I just feel very used and abused... not to anyone, just myself *sigh* I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from all of it - I just wish I could figure out a way to stop it before I truly end up alone. Anyone feel the same way?

 

[Louis]

I mess up most of my friendships too, but generally in the opposite way, I dont talk enough or vent enough, so people really arent comfortable opening up more to me and I guess friendships just generally fade away. It goes the same for long-term friendships, I just cant manage them even if I put in a concentrated effort to pay attention to people and to try and be a little more open, some people I click with but end up ignoring them in the end.

Don't really do anything to cope with it.

 

[CleptaK]

Hey Jessie, I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well this year. I feel like we're in the same boat - I tend to sabotage my relationships too and I don't know that to do about it. It's difficult to identify which behaviours drive people away when it's such a habitual thing. Have you spoken to a therapist, or counsellor, or some third party who could help pinpoint what is happening, and perhaps why?

I liked the term 'emotional vampire' - very apt!

Losing friendships is tough, especially when they've been long ones. My best friend and I knew each other since we were 5 but we no longer talk. Like you've said, I think I may have vented too much and he just couldn't take it anymore. As a way to avoid venting on someone, I tend to avoid engaging in relationships so that too could be why we don't talk - maybe he thought I was being a selfish snob. Anyway, I'm not sure.

I too become paranoid -- about every interaction and whether I'm 'giving' or 'taking' too much and that becomes tiresome. I talk to my Mum about things too and she's sick of it, I'm sure. It takes a toll on her too.

You're not alone! I hope things get better soon!
Hoo-roo
Kristal

 

[Pelicanbay]

hey guys, i have had the same problems for years, during school it was easy to make friends, for the most part anyways until my last 2 years.

but 1 thing i always did, was say no to pretty much everyone when i was asked to go out with friends and girls to.

i just wasnt ok in my own skin, worried too much of what ppl thought of me, now im pretty much ok with myself now and ive already seen a big difference

i knew what i was doing and why as well, now that i did something to feel better about myself, i can treat others just as good or better than before.

i regret alot of friendships i ruined, as fast as it took to make them, i ended them even faster, its kind of sad but im still young, im looking forward to the future, plus, im going back to school to finish gr 12 and then something else in college after that so its like a second chance to meet new ppl again.

right now im feeling like "look me me now" so i cant wait to run into old friends because it wasnt like i treated them badly, i just stopped showing myself

hope some of that helps.

 

[~Jessie~]

Louis - I was like that for awhile. I was told to be more open with others about myself and what goes on around me so I slowly worked on it over the past few years. But I just feel like I'm doomed either way now.


CleptaK - It is tough to identify the behaviours, I also don't quite understand why people tend to keep the reason why they "left you behind" like they just assume you'll figure it out on your own or something. But come to think of it, the one who recently ended the friendship on me back in April, though it hurts me very much as I genuinely didn't want to end it despite my habits. Its what got me thinking about myself more as I had told this to her a couple years ago and I told myself I don't know what I would do if "we" stopped being friends and it would be my last straw in fighting SA with pure willpower. I have been refusing taking meds for it. And that I feel like I may go insane(obviously that's not true) and well... here I am... friendship is over and I feel very lost with myself.

I do have an ounce of hope that she will come back but i'm not counting on it at all, just wishful thinking I guess. I had gone to a group therapy for my SA back in September but I found it too much and so they've put me on a waiting list for one-on-one CBT therapy, been waiting about almost 9 months now :/ So, haven't really spoken to anyone else about my issue at all other than my mom who probably is tired of me venting to her as well. My doctor though has been trying to persuade me into taking meds for my anxiety each time I visit him about something, lol


As bad as this sounds, I think its from not feeling grown up from missing out on a lot of things when I was younger. I noticed the moment anyone mentions and starts doing things like relationships, driving, being successful in whatever, getting a job, the lack of experience is what gets me. It makes them believe that I am never happy for them but I am, just very jealous. I want to talk to and be friends with people who have no experience with any of those things. I tend to talk about it in a childish fantasy type way since I have nothing to base it on and when I don't recieve a similar response, I feel lonely or something. I don't want to hear the adult side of it right now, thinking maturely, just want to re-live my teenage years I suppose... play catch up. But there is nobody to really do that with so everyone drifts apart from me after awhile. I don't know if that is making any sense at all, I'm having trouble putting this into words.

I get easily jealous over anyone doing better than me - comparing myself to others - and that upset my only friend already so I feel shut down from expressing myself to her these days. I'm afraid to be forgotten so much and tend to be harsh with my words with being truthful and honest that it scares everyone off. I just want to figure out how to stop it for good. Until I figure it out, I feel like not communicating to anyone so I don't do any further damage so I avoid starting any conversations with anyone at all. It has nothing to do with them - everything to do with me. *sigh*

 

[calexandre]

As bad as this sounds, I think its from not feeling grown up from missing out on a lot of things when I was younger. I noticed the moment anyone mentions and starts doing things like relationships, driving, being successful in whatever, getting a job, the lack of experience is what gets me.

I have a relatively sheltered upbringing and it didn't exactly turn out the right way. Not in the eyes of my elders or to the usual concepts of normality that is.

I hate to say this but I have no desire for friendship - not when social dignity is considered unnecessary hassle and complexity in any age group below 35. I believe allies are to be treated with utmost respect and honour - I believe that save for one person, alas now deceased, returned said respect to me.

The rest of them I left them to their own billions of "friends" who continually mock and betray each other, never to lend a helping hand should one of their numerous flock falter - instead choosing to leave them behind because... there are less troublesome friends around.

So yes, I am guilty of sabotaging friendships - when someone asks about my personal life over dinner and the next moment makes it the next gossiping point in the office, all contact is broken. For when she confided in me I did not sell her secrets to the next highest bidder. I simply say that whatever I remarked to her were merely fabricated stories generated under duress just to play along.

This used to be a severe problem in my younger days ("I Walk Alone" - Tarja Turunen) but as the years passed eventually I find my own niches and avoid less civilised cultures altogether. And more importantly, remain completely inaccessible to people save for professional dealings.

So yes, I despise friendships. Especially with fellow males my age who are so infatuated in pursuit of their worthless fantasies they are useless cowards as brothers in arms. Business relations that are always there to support you should you need to rush a desperate contract however... those are worth their weight in gold and do deserve much respect. Much like how friends should be in the traditional definition.

To answer the questions posed in this thread - yes, I sabotage my friendships. Most actively in fact. I however, don't see myself coping with it - it is a necessity to defend my peers and colleagues from undue influences who would seek to exploit them and myself as yet more gossip material.

I coped with the lack of social security by being a feminist paralegal, the concept of which is too fantastic for the limited intelligence of the common folk thus I remain, as I wish, completely professional, impartial and most importantly, unencumbered.

 

[gaz]

I don't feel good enough for anyone so i tend to push people away by avoiding them and turning down invites.

 

[~Jessie~]

I tend to avoid and turn down invites as well. I actually on Sunday felt so incredibly ticked off with everything, everyone and myself. I wanted to give myself a "mental" week to calm down and sort things out for myself.

Guess what? Apparently I am not allowed to have any ME time. Yesterday my only friend had been trying to contact me throughout the day, she waited online for me to come on, then late afternoon decided to text me, then a few hours later, she messeged on my email chat thing.

I had to come online so she would stop contacting me so much. Thankfully she had to go to work so it was a brief chat. Hate to say this why I am paranoid about losing this friend. We feed off each other's neediness and the whole point of me being offline and "isolating" myself was to HELP the friendship. Helping as I was trying to take this week to write out and tackle my self-defeating behaviours. Though yesterday I mostly just wanted to do that whilst dwelling and wallowing about the other friendship I messed up and lost(it was 3 months since that happened). Of course, today, after saying she'd be online for almost the entire day to talk to, she never came on at all. This only friend I have I don't feel is very reliable, it bugs me so much.

Anyways, I feel like I'm an emotional vampire right now and I'm trying desperately to find relief from it. I do have some hope that I can get better, I just don't know how much patience I have for it. I've been known to be a very patient person but over the last few years, its started to wear thin in me. /end of rant.

How do you truly break this cycle of behaviour? I have ordered a book about it and will see how it goes when I pick it up in about a week.

 

[nicole1234]

i do the same thing...people just get sicking of my b****ing...and whining....i dont even realize im doing it. it seems like theres nothing else to talk about when youre feeling consumed w/ bs in your life.

i think this one friend you are talking about probably can relate and wont be as judgemental as the others have been to you (sorry to hear about the drama).

try to listen more though cuz i know sometimes we can talk about "me me me " too much when we are feeling blue.

 

[mrfixit]

the mere fear of loosing someone makes one push the other away. what people need to realize is that one will never loose a true friend no matter what. i true friend will always be there in the good and in the bad.

if i plant a seed..water it when needed..not neglect it...protect it from insects..then that plant will grow nice and healthy.

often people focus too much on the fear of loosing someone, neglecting the roots of that relationship.

 

[TaniaN]

I've been very guilty of this in the past. I would push people away with insults and coldness. It took me years to realize how defensive and cruel I could be. I'm much more gentle with the few friends I have now, and try not to be so defensive.

 

[jillnose]

I can relate to all of the people here. Whenever I form a friendship with someone I get so paranoid about screwing it up that I end up doing what I swear not to do.

I am on the Autism Spectrum so I don't know if I should be here but this thread resonates with me pretty hard. and I do have my fears of socializing with people

I have this one friend who means a lot to me because their son is on the Spectrum too and they are sure they themselves meet the conditions for that too and they empathizes with my situation. We have had are ups and downs but we have gotten through them

Except this time I think I have really buggered it up this time. It really hurts because this person has always been kind and I consider them my hero

I have been trying to cut back on emailing them because they wont be around as much to read them(they live in another part of Canada). But I kind of overloaded them this time. I always say I would hold back on the emails but there is always something new to tell them. They haven't said anything yet but that could mean they are fed up with me.

Thats one of the many reasons why I screw up my friendships; I read too much into certain things, I get paranoid about them betraying me (it has happened many times before), being too clingy.

I have issues making friends so if I form a bond with someone I really like, I try to cling on to that friendship for dear life and that causes it to crumble. I keep telling myself I wouldn't do it again but the cycle continues.

I envy those who keep a cold distance from people. I wish I could too so I wouldn't cause so much misery to myself

 

[Ramintafromlt]

As bad as this sounds, I think its from not feeling grown up from missing out on a lot of things when I was younger. I noticed the moment anyone mentions and starts doing things like relationships, driving, being successful in whatever, getting a job, the lack of experience is what gets me. It makes them believe that I am never happy for them but I am, just very jealous. I want to talk to and be friends with people who have no experience with any of those things. I tend to talk about it in a childish fantasy type way since I have nothing to base it on and when I don't recieve a similar response, I feel lonely or something. I don't want to hear the adult side of it right now, thinking maturely, just want to re-live my teenage years I suppose... play catch up. But there is nobody to really do that with so everyone drifts apart from me after awhile. I don't know if that is making any sense at all, I'm having trouble putting this into words.

I get easily jealous over anyone doing better than me - comparing myself to others - and that upset my only friend already so I feel shut down from expressing myself to her these days. I'm afraid to be forgotten so much and tend to be harsh with my words with being truthful and honest that it scares everyone off. I just want to figure out how to stop it for good. Until I figure it out, I feel like not communicating to anyone so I don't do any further damage so I avoid starting any conversations with anyone at all. It has nothing to do with them - everything to do with me. *sigh*

I understand how you feel very well :/ I also have almost no experience in life, when I was small my family never traveled anywhere, only to my cousin's house from time to time, where we spend all time inside, because we were and are poor. my childhood was also very sheltered, my grandma didn't let me go anywhere, because she was scared of everything, she didn't let me go on field trips because I get car sick and she was imberrest of me vomiting. Sadly, field trips were where most kids in my class became friend with one another. you know what that means...

Becasue of the lack of experience I tend to lack thing to talk about in conversations, and when I start thinking about the thing that I know the most about - myself, I either brag or complain. However, after interacting with people for a two years I see an improvement, I started to talk about my experiences or tell stories that I heard from other people or tell about something interesting and relevant to a conversations from book or movie that i read or saw. I feel my situation is improving bit by bit :nerd: