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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #1
I'm so angry at my husband. He was talking to his sister and I on the phone, and they both insist that my girls can work 20 hours a week at a job. They have add,sa, all sorts of issues. They can barely get through the school day. They are also learning disabled. They have the stress to perform and to socialize all day. They get home and need down time. they do not stay after school to talk or play sports or join clubs. I do work to get them into things that fit their personalities, like karate or improv. I would like them to have a part time job, but only if it's a good fit for their personality, and not too stressful. I told my husband, how would he like it if he had to work all day, come home and go back to work for 4 hours? I'd rather the girls socialized with a friend on the weekend.Yes, they could find a friend at a job, but they're not the type to stand around and gossip and chit chat. That is why I think it's better for them to be in after school activities that are focused on a certain subject, like anime. anyway, I'm just fuming mad that my husband can't even support me and takes his sister's side, which is basically all teens are the same and are all capable of doing the same schedule. Sister says teens all have lots of energy. She has no idea what she's talking about. One of my girls have very low affect. Sister was popular, partied, dressed fashionably, had boyfriends, etc. Please someone tell me how to get through to her, even if i should try. I think I'll just say oh, yes, i see, hmm...as far as my husband I can;t believe he doesn't understan what I'm trying to say. teens with sa are different!
 

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Monster
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While I'm not old enough to be posting in the "crickets" section and I don't want to upset you, I thought perhaps it might be good to share a bit of my story with you.

I am currently 26, but when I was a teenager I had pretty severe social anxiety. School was bad enough, but the outside world scared me to death. I didn't do any activities outside of school and although my parents encouraged me to do something, I never would. So finally, the summer before my senior year in high school, they insisted I find a job. I fought hard, but they were firm and even though I was scared to death, I started sending out applications - not because I wanted to, but because I had to. Thankfully, I only had to sit through a couple of interviews before I landed a job. I stayed at that job for five years and when I needed to find a new job, I was able to due to the fact that I had done it before.

My point is that if they hadn't forced me, I would never had attempted a part time job - in highschool or college and I would never have had the ability to find work after school. I still have severe social anxiety. I still live with my parents due to lack of finances, but I do work. I am able to keep a job and know that if I can't, I'll be able to find another one. This, I believe, is due to the fact that I was forced to find a job when I was still under my parents' rule.

Now I don't know your kids and I'm not saying we're the same, but I did want to give you something to think about.
 

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My situation is similar to that of LostInReverie. At the time, I wasn't aware of the need to get a job for myself. Had I been given an option, I would have avoided work, but the motion of society and the economy are harder to escape. If you're in, you can generally expect to end up in two positions: as someone who moves with the group, or as someone who is dragged by it. Fortunately, I was shoved into the former category. Had my avoidant delusion been indulged, I would have blindly fallen into the latter.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #4
thanks for the replies. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to protect my kids from life a little. Mostly it's the amount of time they'd need to spend being anxious. First school, then work. I guess they would learn how to cope. Partly I feel mean, forcing them to find a job. They don't spend a lot of money, and I wouldn't feel right taking money from them. they could save their money. They both get tired easily, and go to bed around 10. I guess if a job didn't work out, that's ok. but how do you know if you should push your kid? Should I say tough kid, get to work, tough if you're tired or stressed out, we all are? Sounds mean. I wish there was a job for only a few hours a week. Anyone know of one?
 

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I wouldn't force them to get jobs if they're still in high school. If they want things badly enough that you won't buy them, they might be motivated to find a part-time job on their own, but I wouldn't force them. I agree with you that school is their job. Particularly if they have any learning difficulties, that seems like overkill to me. I'm not even sure I'd be too thrilled about the distraction from school work even if they wanted a job though I'd probably let them try it out if it was what they wanted, then make them give it up if their school work suffered at all. We have a once a week free paper here that they hire people to deliver, something like that if it exists where you live, could be done after school once a week, and they'd get about $100 a month, plus it's not bad for people with SA. I took one of those routes for awhile and brought my little kids along and gave them a share of the cash. What ever happened to babysitting when you're in high school or mowing lawns?? I babysat starting at about age 12. I did get a part-time job at 15, but I was motivated by my desire to buy my own clothes, that way I could get what I liked instead of what my mom liked. It was very difficult for me, but turned out to be a positive thing in the long run. I did very well in school though, and had no trouble keeping up with my school work. It really depends on the kid. I definitely don't think it's a given that teenagers should be employed as long as they're still in school. To be honest, I actually think it's sort of odd that anyone would think so. How old are your girls?
 

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In 'da 707
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Don't force them! Let that be their descision. Your sister and husband are using pretty narrow minded thinking. You're doing a nice job for exposing them to a variety of activities though, which is good for thier SA and identity development.
 

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My situation is similar to that of LostInReverie. At the time, I wasn't aware of the need to get a job for myself. Had I been given an option, I would have avoided work, but the motion of society and the economy are harder to escape. If you're in, you can generally expect to end up in two positions: as someone who moves with the group, or as someone who is dragged by it. Fortunately, I was shoved into the former category. Had my avoidant delusion been indulged, I would have blindly fallen into the latter.
I sort of agree, when I was in high school I was "encouraged" by my family to get a job, and I'm glad they did so. However, I didn't resist a whole lot, I just had trepidation about the whole application/interview process. What helped was that my sister drove me around and helped me fill out applications, etc.
 

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I really like what LostInReverie wrote!

Protecting your kids is very honorable! But since we all know for ourselves how misserable a life full of anxieties, depression and dependency from others can be, everything should be done to encourage and build children up and teach them to become independent despite their problems. Holding them back and letting them cultivate their problems won't let them grow!

On the other hand I find a 20-hour-job a bit much for school kids esp if they haven't worked before! But at least a couple of hours a week, voluntary work or the participation in a further education or pastime course to train getting out of the house aside from going to school. Better now than later with the pressure that they have to find some job when they leave school!

How do you know they can't bear and deal with the stress if they don't try? If in the right place with the right people that might give them a huge confidence boost! And sometimes it take a couple of tries, too!

What would your feelings be like, if after the first weeks of pain and stress they start enjoying it and go out more? Would you feel kind of betrayed or left behind? I mean, parents and children with the same problem often seem to build something like a partnership of convenience or become accomplices of some sort.
 

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My initial post may have come off as harsh, but I intended it to be somewhat of an emotional appeal. To broaden things a bit, I'm not saying that you need to force them into jobs that interfere with school, as perhaps others want you to. Nor should you choose their jobs for them or shove them into the first job that comes. However, I would suggest a gradually stronger guidance in the direction of employment.

Depending on where you are, there may be workshops they can attend to build résumé and cover letter writing knowledge, interview techniques and so on. Getting started with that, then finding some candidate positions, to interviews and eventually getting hired in student positions would all ease the transition without eating into academic time. Student positions will build a base of experience that can then be translated into part-time or full-time positions when necessary.

I disagree, though, with a laissez-faire position on employment in general. At some point, the choice of employment versus unemployment becomes a burden to have left unresolved.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #10
I really like what LostInReverie wrote!

Protecting your kids is very honorable! But since we all know for ourselves how misserable a life full of anxieties, depression and dependency from others can be, everything should be done to encourage and build children up and teach them to become independent despite their problems. Holding them back and letting them cultivate their problems won't let them grow!

On the other hand I find a 20-hour-job a bit much for school kids esp if they haven't worked before! But at least a couple of hours a week, voluntary work or the participation in a further education or pastime course to train getting out of the house aside from going to school. Better now than later with the pressure that they have to find some job when they leave school!

How do you know they can't bear and deal with the stress if they don't try? If in the right place with the right people that might give them a huge confidence boost! And sometimes it take a couple of tries, too!

What would your feelings be like, if after the first weeks of pain and stress they start enjoying it and go out more? Would you feel kind of betrayed or left behind? I mean, parents and children with the same problem often seem to build something like a partnership of convenience or become accomplices of some sort.
Honestly I want this to be THEIR decision. They are 16 and 17. They have had a weekly paper route but we moved and can't find one here. They volunteer at a cat shelter, renaissance festival, puppet ministry, church, and wherever I can find that I think is a good match for them. I would be fine with them having a part time job, although I believe, yes, school IS their job. I would be happy and not feel left behind if they were working. I think it would be a good opportunity.

I just hate the way my husband and sister-in-law, who, eerily is a teacher, are seemingly close minded about lumping the girls into a black and white, one track world where all teenagers should get a part time job, tough if it's stressful, tough if they have to spend their evenings mopping floors, and then go home and do homework, and probably not get it done because they need down time. They are not motivated to stay up late and finish schoolwork.

I want at least my husband to recognize that our girls are not typical and support me. That' it right now. At least he hasn't gone on the war path yet. I want this job thing to happen with some desire and passion, not with dictation.

p.s. i did tell the girls next summer they would have to get a part time job..I'm preparing them now for it. Summer is much more relaxed.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #11
My initial post may have come off as harsh, but I intended it to be somewhat of an emotional appeal. To broaden things a bit, I'm not saying that you need to force them into jobs that interfere with school, as perhaps others want you to. Nor should you choose their jobs for them or shove them into the first job that comes. However, I would suggest a gradually stronger guidance in the direction of employment.

Depending on where you are, there may be workshops they can attend to build résumé and cover letter writing knowledge, interview techniques and so on. Getting started with that, then finding some candidate positions, to interviews and eventually getting hired in student positions would all ease the transition without eating into academic time. Student positions will build a base of experience that can then be translated into part-time or full-time positions when necessary.

I disagree, though, with a laissez-faire position on employment in general. At some point, the choice of employment versus unemployment becomes a burden to have left unresolved.
Didn't sound harsh at all. I like people who are direct. You've given me more to think about. I don't want my girls to think they don't have to support themselves.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #12
I really like what LostInReverie wrote!

Protecting your kids is very honorable! But since we all know for ourselves how misserable a life full of anxieties, depression and dependency from others can be, everything should be done to encourage and build children up and teach them to become independent despite their problems. Holding them back and letting them cultivate their problems won't let them grow!

On the other hand I find a 20-hour-job a bit much for school kids esp if they haven't worked before! But at least a couple of hours a week, voluntary work or the participation in a further education or pastime course to train getting out of the house aside from going to school. Better now than later with the pressure that they have to find some job when they leave school!

How do you know they can't bear and deal with the stress if they don't try? If in the right place with the right people that might give them a huge confidence boost! And sometimes it take a couple of tries, too!

What would your feelings be like, if after the first weeks of pain and stress they start enjoying it and go out more? Would you feel kind of betrayed or left behind? I mean, parents and children with the same problem often seem to build something like a partnership of convenience or become accomplices of some sort.
Yes, I'd love to find that right job that will make them proud of themselves. I was thinking, for ex., a grocery store would be better than a fast food place, because you deal with people of all ages. I worked in fast food and a lot of the conversation was about drinking and hooking up, things my girls aren't interested in. They're both quiet and into too much fantasy. Yes, they are self-proclaimed dorks. I worry about them being accepted in school, let alone at where there is less of a safety net.
 

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Im not a 'cricket' but am thinking of my unborn child and what he/she might be like in the future etc. I dont believe a teen in high school should be made to work. I mean, isnt school, then homework, and after school activity enough? I think too much expectation is placed on school kids these days. I agree with you about needing their down time. Especially the ones who dont cope too well with constant social performance. But I also hope I dont over protect my child from life. If my child wants to work, Id say go for it! But I would restrict it to school holidays only.

Personally, I was a high school drop out (family breakdown, some sexual abuse, schooling was the last thing on my mind then) I dont believe I had the support of my parents. I was quite naive. I didnt know the value of working and when I was forced to 'get a job' (my parents were mad at me for dropping out of high school, my only option was to get a job or get out!) I didnt even know what 'interviews' or 'working' was about. My first job was a disaster and I was 16. So ontop of everything that happened and the stress I was already under, I had an evil boss breathing down my neck, that I wasnt prepared for.
Even now, my family seem to bring up the subject that I failed and that my mentally disabled cousin has been working since she was 15 and had no trouble.

I just want to know my child will be ready and I dont want he/she to have to go through what I did.
 

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Retired Enforcer
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I feel that they should be given the opportunity to work. I also feel that some things should not be given to them. If they want a car then they should buy it themselves and pay for the insurance. If they want a cell phone then they should buy it themselves.
 

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I feel that they should be given the opportunity to work. I also feel that some things should not be given to them. If they want a car then they should buy it themselves and pay for the insurance. If they want a cell phone then they should buy it themselves.
My oldest daughter will turn 18 in a month. She just started working, mainly because she wants to (is required to) pay for her own car insurance. She can work 10-12 hours per week, afford the insurance, and have a few dollars for other expenses or for fun. This allows her to get a taste of work and responsibility, but allows her to keep school a priority, and have some time for other extra cirric activities. She's struck a nice balance, and there's a real lesson in that.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #16
My oldest daughter will turn 18 in a month. She just started working, mainly because she wants to (is required to) pay for her own car insurance. She can work 10-12 hours per week, afford the insurance, and have a few dollars for other expenses or for fun. This allows her to get a taste of work and responsibility, but allows her to keep school a priority, and have some time for other extra cirric activities. She's struck a nice balance, and there's a real lesson in that.
May I inquire as to what type job she has that requires so little hours? That is my hope for my girls, to strike a balance between school, work, relaxation.
 

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May I inquire as to what type job she has that requires so little hours? That is my hope for my girls, to strike a balance between school, work, relaxation.
She works as a bagger at a grocery store about 5 minutes from where she lives. She worked 20 hours or so during July and early August, but they hired her knowing that she would need to cut back once school started. She works one week night, max, and one or two weekend shifts. The situation has been pretty ideal so far.
 

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Don't force them! Let that be their descision. Your sister and husband are using pretty narrow minded thinking. You're doing a nice job for exposing them to a variety of activities though, which is good for thier SA and identity development.
Agreed. Everything my parents tried to force me into I absolutely despised -- from the age of 4 to 11 I was forced into all sorts of martial arts clubs by my father... I hated every single second of it. On the contrary, I was really discouraged from being good academically, and just to contradict my parents I excelled in all my classes. The more they tried to claim that I was only doing it in order to "show off", the more determined I was to do better and better academically, lol.
 

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sa challenger
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Discussion Starter #19
Agreed. Everything my parents tried to force me into I absolutely despised -- from the age of 4 to 11 I was forced into all sorts of martial arts clubs by my father... I hated every single second of it. On the contrary, I was really discouraged from being good academically, and just to contradict my parents I excelled in all my classes. The more they tried to claim that I was only doing it in order to "show off", the more determined I was to do better and better academically, lol.
Weird parents
 
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