Online, I can appreciate the effort but it doesn't really help me at all. So, I just tend to feel bad about burdening them with my whining, but I overall just see it as a net neutral once the whole ordeal is over. I still try to restrain myself from talking to other people when I'm sad.
Offline, I despise it since it just tends to make everything 10x worse. The whole event just ends up making me feel even worse about everything, and the message that I'm just an obnoxious waste of oxygen really seeps in. I just leave it feeling way sadder, awkward, and guilty. It also feels like things that I say offline will always follow me and be used against me. So, I definitely avoid talking about feelings in real life at all costs.
No. It's honestly taken me a while to be this open about my feelings (referring to real life) I find that most times I'm incapable of crying in front of others so I often seek comfort in solitude. Occasionally, a fault on my part, someone will see my face is a little too red because I didn't manage to cool down the skin all the way with water. But I won't want to talk about it. I know it's just my depression there's nothing they can really do, nothing really to talk about. So I'll smile, blame it on me PMSing or say it's nothing. The only time I will cry in front of someone or explain how I'm feeling is when my parents are angry, or upset, forcing me to open up a bit. I'll never seek it out myself..... which I've never understood. In a sense I know this lack of trust isn't normal, but regardless I just don't like it. It's not that I think crying or seeking comfort in others is wrong, not at all, I'll comfort my sisters, my friends, even my parents at times and I never once thought badly of them for coming to me. It's just I despise and I mean despise feeling vulnerable. I remember after my therapist started pushing my buttons on purpose and I broke down crying she asked me how I felt afterwards and I replied with "I feel disgusting" because in a sense I do view crying as such. Not so much physically but the emotions I feel while crying I view as "gross" and the vulnerableness afterwards, I hate it. There's a sense of relief but it's always accompanied by a stronger feeling of regret & shame. Opening up is normal and I've actually become more accepting of it for myself which is good. But it's hard for me to accept....I really want to one day feel safe confiding in someone, but I never do if anything the walls just shoot up higher.
It's hard to say, I've never really been comforted. I hate crying in front of people because 1)I feel awkward and 2) I don't want to make them feel awkward and I don't think I've really ever cried by myself either because I don't want to but honestly if a person tried to comfort me I wouldn't stop them because they're trying to help and I'd appreciate it a lot. Idk why but I like watching others be comforted and I guess that's kinda weird but Idk.
The extent to which I seek social comfort is perplexing to me. Once I'm comfortable with someone, I have a habit of 'using' them as a source of comfort from my endless emotional demons, and a supply of validation that I require in order to mentally fight those demons off; the latter virtually being my life support. Without it, I quite literally become mentally unstable; anxious about anything & everything, reduced into what is more or less an emotional mess that is low-functioning at best. The comfort is like a drug, and as a result, the cravings can be intense. But damn, does it have its side effects.
Especially that ****ing, ****ing guilt.
Most of the time, I want nothing more than comfort. Hence a significant reason I bombard those that I consider to be my friends with whatever personal stuff that is weighing me down at the present moment. I constantly seek comfort and I frequently jeopardize my social standing with those that care about me by doing so. I share overly intimate details focusing on whatever item on my laundry list of insecurities is getting me down there and then. It's a real struggle for me to really 'care' about the struggles of others because I'm so obsessively focused on myself.
That's where the guilt comes in.
As you may have guessed, I really ****ing love (hate?) to talk about myself. Particularly personal, intimate details, the sharing of which is not normally associated with individuals that are as introverted as I supposedly am. Take for example, the fact that I've been talking about my crush quite a bit on SAS as of late. If you guys that don't talk to me think it's bad, then you should ask the people that actually associate with me about it. I've had people tell me that I'm 'obsessed' and I 'need to let it go', but frankly, I don't want to. The one thing I seek, futilely, is comfort. Validation that my feelings are legitimate and okay. Reassurance that my anxieties surrounding the situation will not come true; i.e "everything's going to be okay". It's almost childlike in a way. As a result, I believe it is most-likely the result of the emotional neglect and chronic lack of comfort I went through as a young child. It hearkens to the psychological concept of attachment. The attachment I had with my mother and general family members as a kid was pretty poor and that still affects me to this day, especially in relation to my mother, though that's a discussion for another time.
But I digress. Anyway, long story short, indeed I do enjoy comfort. Though, in a guilty, semi-childlike way. Receiving comfort and reassurance (especially physical, in the form of hugs and whatnot) from the one I 'love' right now would be a version of the 'drug' that is what I'd describe as multiple times more potent than the form received from everybody else. I'm sure the guilt would be even stronger though.
Yes and that's esp true when I feel weak..depression/anxiety related. Wish I could be a strong girl and not feel that my depression and anxiety is legitimate because I think it forms part of my decision making.. in the form of excuses.
1. I feel they're making too much of a fuss and I should just have pretended everything was fine.
2. I feel like they are comforting me just out of obligation, not because the genuinely care.
3. I don't feel like I deserve it
4. I feel weak and pathetic.
5. I'm afraid they will treat me differently after.