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Hi all,

I'm so happy to see this forum, and I'm from Manila and it's hard to get a therapist or a psychologist anywhere so I'm not tested if I'm depressed or if I actually have SAD.

Anyway I've been a shy kid and I have been bullied until high school but my high grades and my family's support made up for that and it made me happy.

In college I got into one of my dream schools, met lots of friends, and although I had crises (my dad died in freshman year, and I shifted courses) college was a happy time in my life. I never imagined it, but I got high grades and honors from one of the best schools around. I gained confidence and was less socially-awkward, I can speak up in crowds (especially if I have material ready), and I finally had a boyfriend. :)

Months in my senior year I decided to take birth control pills and I've been taking it until now because I don't want kids until I'm really established.

And after graduation I got a job after a month. And then my life started to change. After that first job I had 4 more for the last 4 years because those jobs weren't what I want as careers - because of the economy I have to work a job where my skills are underutilized, and in corporations I don't believe in. I wasn't feeling happy and I wasn't doing my best, and I can't believe it because I know that I am skilled and somewhat intelligent and persistent... but I have to work for the money. I suddenly doubt my decision making, thus I can't make sense of supplier meetings and other responsibilities that requires talking to other people. I lost confidence, and this lead to demotivation and really, really bad performance every time that I've been booted out once in a job. I can't focus so much and I'm always afraid that people will hate me when I fail at a job, so I hate going to work after a failed job.

Right now I want to resign again from work, because of the anxiety plus a really irresponsible boss - and this is supposed to be one of the easiest jobs I had. We're having a stressful month and I don't want to face the office people ever again because of it (too much work piling up and I can't negotiate and turn them down but I can't focus to get them right either). I am jealous of my family, who had been working successfully in their fields, and they only expect me to succeed in corporate industries. I want to succeed by inspiring people, studying more (I want to go to grad school so bad, but I don't have enough money) and making/designing stuff which I took and succeeded in college and is what I love to do... so I feel pressured.

Maybe it's the anxiety, lack of career direction and the birth control pills, but I want to stop feeling like this every time I fail at things. I used to fail in college but I get motivated quickly, but now I can't do it. Right now I'm on sick leave (stress=lower immune systems=infection=amoebiasis) and I'm trying to sort out my life. I don't wanna go back to work next week. :((

Anyway I hope you can help me, thanks!
 

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Hey ariadnespins welcome. :hyper
 

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Welcome, AriadneSpins! :)
 
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