[detweiler]

ok guys give me your thoughts... I am really trying to get to the bottom of this.

typical sas thread: "I am afraid to do xyz because of how people might react to me or think about me or judge me"

typical response: "It's going to be fine, nobody will care or have a problem with you. just do it"

typical follow-up: "y'all were right, I did xyz and got out alive; i'm comfortable doing xyz now."

This type of process (exposure; realizing other people don't bite) is clearly beneficial and has helped me, for one, gain some comfort level at doing social stuff.

BUT ...

I would like to not care one lick about how others see me or think about me. I have a friend who will go up to anyone and say or do anything, and people don't always love him for it, but the fact he acts on his desire without shame or apology I think speaks to his confidence, and allows him to have fun and enjoy himself at will, ie live for himself, not for others. I've found there are very few things in life of which everyone will approve; there will always be haters and criticism, so if you're gonna make progress in any realm you got to be able to take and withstand hostility directed at you.

I think ideally you pick this up in childhood having parents and close friends constantly affirming your virtue as a person. I suffered some bullying as a kid as well as lack of close friendships which may or may not be responsible for my lacking inner confidence. I don't want to rely on the validation of others to provide my self-esteem and worth; I want to own that within myself. 'Cause four people could tell me I'm a good funny guy, but then one jerk laughs at me and makes me feel bad about myself, and I'm back to square one. How have you guys developed lasting, inner confidence?

 

[kos]

Good post. I honestly believe all of us have that inner confidence like your friend. How does one develop that? Well none of us here at SAS can honestly answer that question because none of us have major confidence or else we would be out and about living normal lives. It seem like the times i have experience a bit confidence was after dealing with a situation that scared the crap outta me. Thats seems like the only way to build it. As painful as that can be, it is the only way. No beating around the bush.

The other day i had a very short conversation with a super cute cashier and im still feelin high from that one simple interaction right now. If you have enough of those good experience like that and then one bad one, the good will overpower the bad i think.

 

[organicwildroot]

I think deep down inside we all like ourselves way too much. We might pick on ourselves and beat ourselves down with negativity but realistically, we know were good people and somewhere's along the way we have to except ourselves or will never be happy. I don't hate myself, I just hate how certain things turned out to be. I don't hate life, I just hate certain things about my life. I am determined to be the person that I most want to be and not the person I think other people want me to be because that's not worth this life at all. I'm going to spend my life doing the things that I like and buying the things that I enjoy instead of wasting my life dreaming of being something that I'm not.

 

[odicepaul]

Fearing the worst

Generally I agree with the other people on this forum ie: "we know were good people and some where's along the way we have to except ourselves or will never be happy" - so on. However, in the last few years for me, the experiences I've encountered in the life of wal-mart, work, home and then wal-mart again has been truly negative. I don't know if it is my own paranoia and phobia, or if people are reacting to me negatively for some other reason. I don't know how to get past this point. I've left two really good jobs because I couldn't face my co-workers every day and I feared that rumor and people talking about me was wide spread as far as strangers where I do my grocery shopping and my own distant family members.
It is to the point that my life becomes less worth living with every bad experience I have out in the public and the good experiences arn't happening, especially now that I am unemployed and have to rely on family members to support me while I try to look for work and fear my own shadow. How do I over come this???????

 

[mountain5]

This is a good point...it's still something I'm trying to figure out.