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I haven't posted in a while. I started a new job a few weeks ago. I've been trying to manage my anxiety there. I work in an office, but instead of getting to sit at my computer and work all day like I would have rathered, I have to go around to every single employee and collect information. I didn't realize that was my job when I got hired. It has been good for working on beating my anxiety because I'm sort of forced to do it, but it does make waking up in the morning dreadful sometimes as I know what's ahead. But I've learned that people are just people. Once you loosen up a bit and start talking to people, it begins to become fun. I have been using clonazapam on occassion, which has helped tremendously.

Other then that, my days are lonely as per usual. I've lost touch with most of my friends. The ones I do speak with our too preoccupied with their boyfriends. I'm really working on getting down to my lowest weight I have ever been at (109). I sort of have eating disorder issues. Feelings of fatness contribute greatly to my anxiety. When I'm skinny, the anxiety is greatly reduced. But the big catch 22 is that I eat when I'm lonely, to numb the pain of not having friends. But I largely believe I don't network or work on my friendships/relationships because I am insecure about my weight.

Needless to say, I'm finally working on getting my weight down. I'm not fat or obese or anything, but it still hinders my ability to live my life to the fullest so dramatically that there is no doubt in my mind the weight needs to go. Unfortunately, I have turned to unhealthy alternatives to lose weight (starving, overexercising, stimulant drugs like diet pills and ritalin), which leads to a whole new set of problems of roller coaster emotions. I'm finding I'm becoming more and more dependent on clonazapam and other anxiety reducing drugs that cause me to space out or feel drowzy. It's weird because in the past I loved drugs like ecstacy and other types of stimulants. I like being drunk, But I don't drink very often as I can't handle the hangovers and the complete utter unhealthiness of alcohol. Not to mention I feel like I'm OCD and I'm so high strung. I'm building up a tolerance to clonazapam and I'm taking higher doses and more often. It's the perfect drug. There's no come down and it just makes me dazed out so I don't have to deal with my depression, plus I have no appetite when I'm on it.

I guess this is all in an effort to get rid of my loneliness. Basically being skinny is the answer for me. I could go on forever about my whole life obsession with food and weight and being thin and needing attention from males but that's a whole nother story.

Anyway, so tomorrow's another work week. Hopefully with no anxiety. The sh*t I put myself through is crazy. I have so much hate for myself but at the same time I love myself and I just almost feel like I'm outside of my body wanting to help this girl (who is me) who is troubled and depressed. I want her to find her way.

I know I deserve happiness... but this is how I deem "happiness". It's not healthy. The things that make me happy are not healthy things. But at the same time I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel so messed up in my head.

Life.. stinks..
 
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