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Grind
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2,433 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi again...

I've been, okay...

I've been working at a movie theater sense late May, early June, and im going back to college...

I'm finding out that i tend to sweat a little bit, like on the forehead, and i get hot which isnt a surprise because i've complained about that for a while...but i saw a show on national geographic that made me quit complaining about pretty much everything...

I do all this research or whatever about self esteem, and i really never give myself any type of credit what so ever, about anything...but it is what it is, and i've quit thinking so negitive...i've listened to self confidence cds, all that bull ****...i'm just tired of that feeling in my stomach, like that sick feeling, then i just breath deep and face whatever i need to face...

And my work is just annoying, i really dont like nobody besides like one person...nobody smiles at you, none of that, i find it to be a very negetive place, its almost 'clique-ish'...it reminds me of a class in high school i couldnt stand going to, it sucks...

I've also been playing a whole lot of basketball, i'm finding out that im really not to bad, i'm kindof exited to play for the team in college, even though my grade point average is like .4 from my alcoholic/drug addicted faze in my first year of college...so i actually have to work, which is okay...

I try to keep intouch with a few people from my past, who deserve it...i'll call every now and then...i usually just spend time with the parents and my niece when she comes over...

I'de like to meet somebody, a girl, who really doesnt...but all i can do is wait for someone who makes me happy, i'm just old fashion...

Also, i just riecently cleaned my room and found some old birthday cards and pictures that almost made me cry...it was hard to believe that my parents thought so highly of me, and believed in me...then i let myself go so far, i just feel that im supposed to feel like this right now, and i have to pull myself out of this hole...

I still feel nervous before i have to do things, like talk to people, or be around people and conversate or whatever...i've found out also, that avoidance really isnt a bad thing if you avoid people who you find negetive, who just drain energy out of you...i tried to 'befriend' someone from work, and he just drained all my energy the day i spent with him, he just asked questions all ****in day, then the next day at work i felt he crossed the line with a couple comments he made, and one time is one time too many for me...i never did like people who got too familiar with me too quick...i'm trying to find my essence again...

Other than that, its just been basketball, work, cleaning and doing things to build my self esteem back up...i havent used any drug, any mind altering drug or drank sense like May 13th, or 19th or something...which isnt really too long, but i relapsed back into using after i got perscribed klonopin six months after i quit, i guess it was ment to be...i've stopped using lexapro also...i dont believe in chemicles anymore...im just a person who sings the blues, or raps it lol, and thats just the way its gonna be...

I think im slowly finding myself again though =)

Bye...
 
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