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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
OK, I need to vent about dating sites for a sec. Every time I try one I usually delete my account in frustration about a week later and seriously consider becoming a misogynist.

I spend a lot of time filling out my profile. It's well written with a bit of light humour, yet still covers all the important bits. I don't mention anything about my SA other than not being the type that likes going to bars or hanging around huge crowds of people. I'd much prefer smaller dinner parties at a friend's house. I use photos that have been highly rated using the photo rating sites.

I'm rather picky, but I am a realist. I know I don't have a shot with any of the really attractive women, and I'm OK with that. I'm usually attracted to a more unconventional beauty. As I am somewhat overweight myself, I only contact women who similarly have a few pounds they could lose. I also carefully read their profiles to see if we are a good match. They also have to be geographically close, be a non-smoker (or trying to quit), not have any kids, and be shorter than 5'7 (I'm almost 5'9). I also check to see if I match their requirements.

Basically when I filter everything out, I'm usually left with 1 or 2 women that I would like to contact.

So I spend a fair bit of time crafting up an introduction message that is well written, short and has a question or two relating to their profile. Short because I know it can be intimidating to reply to an huge message that asks a million questions. It's obviously not a cut and past boilerplate message.

I send it...

...and I wait...

...and wait.

I know they received it, because they logged on and I can see they looked at my profile, but no response. I know people are busy and they may take a while to respond. I usually send a one line message after 4 or 5 days just asking if they are interested.

I'm a volunteer moderator on one of the dating sites, so I see first-hand the kind of skeevy messages women get. And I know women get a LOT of messages (side question: how many per day?). But would it really be so hard to reply to my message with "Sorry, not interested."? What really irritates me is the fact that many of these women's profiles have a message at the bottom stating that they think it is rude if a guy doesn't respond to their message. I've heard the arguments that often guys will get angry about being rejected, but that's what the "block" or "report" buttons are for.

Most times, even the ones that I messaged after they "winked" or "smiled" at me don't reply. And on the "matching" sites these women are usually my top matches (last one on OKCupid was 93% match, 95% friend, 2% enemy).

:(
 

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Here is the best advice I can give to you.

Don't rely on dating sites.

I know you may think it is your only option, but it's not. If you approach a woman in real life she has no choice but to show that she is either interested or not. There are no rules to internet dating - so you shouldn't really expect anything at all to come out of it. Not even a "not interested" message. If you are going to continue to use these types of sites I would urge you NOT to sit online and check to see if they were online and checked your page. Who cares? They either send you a reply or they don't - that's all that matters.

I know you may think that these woman "should" be interested in you, but just because your profiles match up or whatever it means NOTHING about whether or not you are meant for one another.

Also, I would really urge you to not send 2nd messages if you haven't gotten a response. If they don't respond they probably aren't interested - leave it at that.
 

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I've always assumed most of the dating sites are are scam. I tried a couple of those a few years back and never received any responses. The only responses I got were people trying to lure me to cam sex sites. My guess is they are making a lot of money though with all the advertising they do. Not only that, but many of the women you get to preview would not need to go on a dating website to begin with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I have never in my life gone up to a girl and asked her out. I really don't know if I am capable of that.

At least with online dating, I already know enough about her that I can make conversation, and I already know she is interested.

OKCupid and PlentyOfFish are both free sites, and are not scams. Although they do have an issue of scammers creating fake user profiles in larger cities, they are usually pretty easy to spot. If in doubt, run the user's photo through tineye or google image search.

I just needed to vent, and I feel better now for it.
 

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Most people on those sites are jerks. They are too jerky to be able to find someone in real life so they go online. PoF should stand for pleny of FREAKS.

I DID get my cat from a dating site - BoM. Girl contacted me and we went out a few times. She had just gotten a new kitten. She got sick of the kitten and gave her to me. I liked the cat way more than the girl.
 

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I gave up with dating sites. Theres way more men than women on every dating site, which means that most women will get heaps of messages and can pick and choose, and regular guys will struggle like hell to even get a response.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
So I don't know what happened, but the one girl finally messaged me back last night. She mentioned that she often feels anxious in social situations (I hadn't said anything about my SA yet).

So I'm much happier today to at least get a response. :D

I think it's because everyone is fishing for someone out of their league. If you really think they are in your league, then I would bet that they are not going on very many dates.
I believe I am staying well within my league, but then again, maybe my standards are skewed. All I know is that I'm going after the "level" of girls that I've had the most luck with, and 2 relationships.

I should probably just settle but I feel like I would be wasting a guy's time if I didn't feel at least a little attraction.
Don't settle if you don't feel the attraction. The one nice thing about dating sites is that you can be somewhat picky... especially as a women you will always have lots of new choices. Just stay patient.
 

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I've never met a woman in my life, whom I considered "above my league".

Okay, I'm rather good looking, nice facial traits, smile, and blue eyes. However. However, I look younger than I am. I get asked for ID all the time. I'm also nowhere near six feet tall.

So that would place me right in the middle of the race, wouldn't it?
 

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I'm a volunteer moderator on one of the dating sites, so I see first-hand the kind of skeevy messages women get. And I know women get a LOT of messages (side question: how many per day?). But would it really be so hard to reply to my message with "Sorry, not interested."?
You know what, I'm a member of this popular french social media/"kind of" dating site, and I get like 30-50 messages on any give day, it is really a game after awhile, filtering guys becomes automatic, you first judge their picture, if that interests you, you glance over their profile for 15 seconds. Also, I myself wouldn't reply to anyone I wasn't interested in simply because they're going to ask "why" or drag out the conversation and whatnot and we as women don't want to openly reject any guy. :D

Also, on dating sites, women are pickier. It is not in real life, when you have a chance to let the guy's personality win you over, it's purely superficial, all your stats laid out right in front of you. So the women you think you have a chance with in real life are probably aiming higher than they normally would. I think that by you messaging only 2 women, and spending that long on it, cuts down your chance of getting a response.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
30-50? OK, wow, that is a lot. I was thinking 5 per day tops. I could understand why someone wouldn't reply to all of them then.

As a guy I receive about 1 a week.
 

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Yea, a lot, but hey, I read somewhere about Match.com that the website was creating fake profiles and as you say "winking" or "smiling" at people just to increase membership. I don't know if thats true or not, but something to keep in mind.
 

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I have been having a frustrating time on internet dating sites recently as well. Like the original poster in recent times I have mainly been sticking to the free sites like Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. I'm not getting much response at the moment though although I have met quite a decent number of women in the past from the net.

What I find particularly annoying is when a woman contacts you first only to flake out really quickly. I had this happen recently on OK Cupid. I had a women get in touch with me and she seemed really taken with my profile and she had good things to say about my pics. We were chatting about music for a couple of messages and all seemed to be going well as we had similar music tastes but then she ignored me without any reason that I could see. I was just about to ask her out in the next message as well. I'm a dating site vetran so I'm used to this kind of nonsense but it is still annoying.
 

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I know a couple who is happily married who met on match. It sounds like I have a special interest or something but I don't. Anyway, it's an odd couple - cute but very overweight girl, nice, but deaf guy - neither one is model material. Okay that sounds harsh, but I'm just saying it like it is. So it's not a complete scam.

Someone else I know has been trying it out and has had some luck - but just feels that the whole thing is a little forced - has trouble feeling attraction when it is somewhat unnatural.

When she wants to reject, she always tries to write back to a well-written message, but sometimes it takes a week or two. You have to realize cute girls get tons of messages, so it's probably nothing personal. Sometimes she just doesn't have the time.

And yes, there are a lot of superficial girls and creepy guys on the site. Just ignore them.
 

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I'm also frustrated with girls not replying to my messages. I tried to send a lot of messages to girls that I thought were okay, but no replies.

I am beginning to accept that my quietness is actually a massive problem and I should adjust my standards/perception of other people. I am too judgemental and shallow. I should take what I can get and try to make it work.... If I can get anything at all.
 

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I should take what I can get and try to make it work.... If I can get anything at all.
That really scares me, for the girl's sake I mean. I don't think people should "settle" but that's just my opinion..
 

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That really scares me, for the girl's sake I mean. I don't think people should "settle" but that's just my opinion..
Can you see how your relatively privileged dating position might influence your feelings on the subject?

To the extent that your expereince is at all typical, you've described on-line dating as a way for women to get interest from men who are more interesting than they'd attract otherwise. By definition, that at least implies that on-line is a struggle for most men.

Which means men might have better prospects in face to face meetings, like you described. Except the men here often struggle in those face to face meetings.

Which means on-line is a rock, and off-line is a hard place.

None of which obligates you in any way regarding your dating habits. Do what works for you. I also agree that blatant "settling" is a mistake. Your take on it though, given how you just described your abundance of options, seemed kind of ironic.
 

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I agree with you Cali. Don't just "take what you can get". Then it just becomes all about trying to get a gf or getting laid and its no longer about relating with another human being and enjoying each other's company. RELATIONship. Emphasis on the word RELATION.

A lot of socially inept SA guys have trouble relating to other people. How can you expect to have a romantic relationship when you struggle to form relationships period? Focus on building relationships first and foremost. And if you click with a girl, you click with a girl.
 
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