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Gun-Shy
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55 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been away from the forum for awhile (I lost the link after several computer rebuilds), but I was motivated to find my way back after going on my first real date in a very long time. Only, I'm not totally sure this one was "real". A friend put us together, she lives in another county so we've been communicating by email, chat, and phone for several weeks. We exchanged pictures, and from her picture she wasn't exactly my type but I really liked her personality. She's Filipino, and has a really pretty voice. She seemed to like that I had kind of a 'baby face'. After she sent me her pics, she seemed kind of down on her appearance, saying that she's realistic about it and that she's not a knock out etc, and I told her that she was being too hard on herself, which she definitely was. Then I decided to open up about my shyness and limited dating experience - previously when she had asked me why I wasn't already taken, I told her I just hadn't found the right one (fearing that admitting to being shy would instantly kill any chance I had). She was the assertive one, and she was the one who actually asked me out. Anyway, this morning we finally went out. We went to a local historic mission just to walk around, it has a lot of interesting historic stuff to look at so I thought it'd be a good place. A couple times she asked me if she didn't scare me (in reference to how she felt of her appearance). Then while we're there, she decides she wants to go get coffee...oh no, that means going into the noisy, crowded dinning area. I felt completely awkward and way too self-aware in there. She asked me if I had ever dated before, and then I remembered that I had told her all about my having anxiety and limited dating experience. But it made me feel even more uncomfortable. But finally we were out of the dinning area, and later on we were sitting together in a chapel looking at the architecture and the intricate stainned glass windows, and the closeness sure seemed really nice. When we were talking to one of the mission employee's about the weddings they have there, she joked that maybe she should bring me back there. But when we parted, she only held out her hand - we didn't hug, which I think is the usual norm after a date? But she did refer to us getting together again, and asked me to call her. During the course of our communications she frequently called me, and wanted to communicate daily. Yet, she remarked that I should be going out on Friday nights, and said that I should ask someone out, like she asked me out. She has a masters in psychology. So, I wonder if she was really interested in me, or was it just charity because I'm "shy"? She herself was never married, she said because she's been having too much fun being single (she goes to a lot of parties several nights each week, especially Fri nights). So, do you guys think I can think of this as a real date? :) After I got home I sent her a message telling her that I had a nice time and looked forward to doing it again.
 

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It sounds like a date. I don't think it was charity and she sounds insecure herself-about her appearance.
we didn't hug, which I think is the usual norm after a date?
I don't think there is a norm! With my boyfriend I wasn't sure if we were going out as friends or on a date and he just dropped me off in his car, no handshake, hug or kiss.
 

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alien monk
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8,462 Posts
Sounds like it went quite well, and yes, I think it was a date.
 

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Banned
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Undoubtedly this was a date, but the way the girl said you should ask other women out indicates she might not be interested in commitment. She is undoubteldy interested in doing something further with you, and instead of saying you want to do it again, make specific plans to get out and do something with her. You wait too long, and your opportunity might be lost. It's definitely not charity; women don't go out with men as adults unless they are definitely interested in men. So, go ahead and make your move and see what happens.
 

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Time Lord
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178 Posts
it sounds like a date to me
although it doesn't sound like she wants a huge commitment
she probably held out her hand at the end, because she was aware of your SA and didn't want to make you uncomfortable
I would keep talking to her, and see where things go
:)
 

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From what you've said it seems you're way over analyzing it. she seems to be into you. Shes just looking for you to make SOME moves. take her on another date... she wants it
 

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Gun-Shy
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the feedback. I wish I could say this had a happy ending, but it looks like I screwed it up.
She said good bye. Here's what happened. She'd always been somewhat secretive about her work, with meetings until 10pm, so a few days ago I asked her about what exactly her work involves, and why she has meetings that run so late. Her response was kind of terse, saying that she does negotiations and that she can't say much because of non-disclosure agreements etc. I could feel the tension in the way she wrote it, so I let it go, at this point it didn't seem that important. Then Thurs night I asked her if I could call her Friday night. She said she didn't know her schedule yet. So I told her to let me know then. Well, Friday night came and went, and I never heard anything. So I sent a little message joking that I guessed her schedule got tied up since I never got the green light to call. I'd noticed that she seemed less enthused since our date, and since I'd been able to open up with her about my past dating experiences (after she was down on her appearance and I told her she was too hard on herself), I told her not to feel obligated if she didn't find me her type due to her being so much more outgoing. I did all this in a very light hearted way with lots of smilies, with the hope of getting some encouragement from her. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, I don't know, but I sure didn't expect the response I got. She was livid, and said she was tired of defending herself, said she doesn't ignore her friends, and ended it with "good night, and good bye". I'm still stunned, I can't believe how easily she could be offended. I sent a response telling her I had no intention of offending her, and that I was only talking about my own dating insecurities, and I apologised for saying the wrong thing. I put a lot of careful thought into it, explaining everything so that it was clear I wasn't criticising her or what she does, that I was only concerned about 'us'. I thought it was good enough to melt any girl's heart, but it apparently didn't work on her since she didn't respond. I just don't get it. I never seem to have any luck with women, and I don't think I'll be trying again. It seems inevitable that it will always end in someway like that. I think I'm fine by myself and I don't need to go through that again. Well I guess I just had to vent, I still feel so torn up inside. Several weeks ago during a chat session she was talking about her religion, and so I asked her if she was Catholic. She asked me if I had a problem with that. I realised I must have pushed the wrong button with that question, and I told her no, that I was just curious, but looking back now I think that may have been an early example of how she can become explosive over nothing, that probably should have been a red flag for me, that a future with her would be like walking on eggshells. I was so hoping this one would work out, we'd been in communication for a whole month, but maybe I was just meant to be alone. Thanks for letting me vent.
 

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Gun-Shy
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thanks JM that's good advice. :) Well she responded this afternoon, and accepted my apology, said that she didn't take what I said as criticism, but that she didn't like to repeatedly explain herself because it's tedious, and that she's working on several projects at once etc. Her tone still wasn't exactly friendly sounding, and I didn't respond to that. I still don't know why she thought she had to 'repeatedly explain herself', I only asked her the one time about her work. But then about an hour later she sent a 2nd message saying that all she knows is she met a good, kind beautiful human being last Sat and that my presence is a gift to all those around me. Well, this one I did respond to, telling her that that's also who I met that day, and that I was still interested in going out again. I guess I was just too elated by the 2nd message, it sounded so nice. But afterwards I felt kind of foolish for having done so. It might have been better to have called and talked to her, but I couldn't because, of course, I deleted her number from my phone Friday night. Oh well.
 

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Hey,

From what you've written it sounds as if this girl likes to date a lot, be social, go to parties, etc. It doesn't sound very much like she's particularly looking for a commitment, or a relationship right now. So don't feel bad that it didn't work out. You should feel good that you got up the courage to go on a date and that it went so well.

Also, as much as I love texting (much easier than actually speaking to people), it's not always the best way to communicate with people, especially people you've just met. Even if you use smilies, it's really hard to pick up on whether you're being light-hearted or not, and what you're really trying to ask. Maybe next time just give the girl a call.
:)
 

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Gun-Shy
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Yeah, I do feel like I've learned a lot from this, on multiple levels. I went through soo many years before of feeling undateable, and she did help pull me out of the shell that I've been in. I sent her one last message this morning - I guess I'll leave it up to her to decide if it is truly my last communication with her or not, but here's what I sent her:

Well, my last message may not have been exactly appropriate for the circumstances, as much as I meant what I said, and as good an idea as it seemed at the time, in retrospect it doesn't seem like such a great thing to have said given the context of things at the moment. I guess I was just too elated thinking that maybe we could pick up where we left off, but I feel I may have only dug myself a deeper hole instead. If you prefer that I just go away after all this I can understand, I'm not sure I'd even take me back at this point. So I won't pester you with anymore nonsense and keep my mouth shut for awhile. Lessons learned, and some positive experience gained. Thank you for helping to pull me out of my protective shell and reviving something that's been dormant for about 8 years. If I never see you again, I'll always remember you as the person who did that for me, as I move forward towards what ever new beginnings await me. What I would give for an undo button for the last few days as I've felt absolutely horrible. So perhaps I should say my final good byes now since I'm not sure there's really any way to come back from this. Once again, I'm so sorry for messing things up, and thank you for the wonderful gift that you gave to me. :)
Did that sound ok, or did I just dig yet a deeper hole? :)
 
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