Social Anxiety Support Forum banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,567 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First, I appreciate anyone who takes a minute to read this.

I become anxious-resentful-hopelss in response to things I hear or read that are not directed at me at all. Often happens when someone idealizes or exhalts a trait I don't possess. Doesn't help that I possess no traits worth exhalting :blank.

Sometimes I encounter these triggers by accident. I walk through a conversation at work about the gorgeous UPS guy or the client's sister who is so poised and sure of herself. These innocent comments can throw me into a nearly blind rage.

Then some days I seek out these things. It's embarrassing to admit but I do google searches on various physical and personality traits I feel lacking in. Sometimes I invite this misery after a random trigger, but sometimes I top off an otherwise decent day by asking for this pain. This has a very obsessive feel to it.

Two questions:

1. Any ideas how to be out in the world and not feel assaulted by people's enthusiasm for people I don't resemble?

2. Any insight into my bringing this on myself with the google searches?

Thanks.
 

·
is getting over herself
Joined
·
12,022 Posts
luckily I am here and all over this. har har.

my envy and jealousy of others manifests itself in this same way. the only think I can think of to counter it is to work on accepting yourself as you are, right now.

the anger, for me, comes from feeling "left out" and unnoticed by society because I don't have these traits. the traits i do have, I feel, are undervalued. reflection, quietude, the ability to listen, to ask questions that draw others out - these seem to be not as important as those possessed by people who others talk about. So, if I am not entertaining, or self-possessed, confident, etc, then I hate it because I will have to fight the urge to compare myself to people who are those things, and the disparity between the life I lead and the life I am convinced they are enjoying.

the searching for answers to how to get those traits by googling and/or reading about them elsewhere? probably just that. just a guess.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,567 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
luckily I am here and all over this. har har.

my envy and jealousy of others manifests itself in this same way. the only think I can think of to counter it is to work on accepting yourself as you are, right now.

the anger, for me, comes from feeling "left out" and unnoticed by society because I don't have these traits. the traits i do have, I feel, are undervalued. reflection, quietude, the ability to listen, to ask questions that draw others out - these seem to be not as important as those possessed by people who others talk about. So, if I am not entertaining, or self-possessed, confident, etc, then I hate it because I will have to fight the urge to compare myself to people who are those things, and the disparity between the life I lead and the life I am convinced they are enjoying.

the searching for answers to how to get those traits by googling and/or reading about them elsewhere? probably just that. just a guess.
Well I was going to just PM you for the answer, but then that would have denied others' the benee of your wisdom :b

Left out and unnoticed are good words to describe the feeling. They bring to mind a child who didn't get a cupcake at the party, standing there fighting back tears (I succeeded) and wondering "what about me?" 47 years later and still no cupcake and me still asking "what about me?"

Not to split hairs, meaning that's exactly what I'm about to do :yes, but I think my envy is a yearning for what I imagine it must feel like to be preferred, to always get a cupcake. I don't have ill will toward the other person, or myself really, but rather a longing for that feeling.

Regarding my searches, I wasn't entirely clear on that. They do typically start as an effort to understand or cope, but inevitably they turn into self abuse. "How do people feel about purple toenails" becomes "coping with the pain of having purple toenails" and later "the misery of ugly toes" and so on. Those successively more dour searches bring successively more dour results. Until I'm all dour.
 

·
is getting over herself
Joined
·
12,022 Posts
not that I'm a mind reader or the amazing kreskin or anything, but I'm trying to figure out the cycle of thinking that must be involved in your searching. my favorite kind of puzzle. :yes

it could take these steps:

1. these are obviously traits that people like in others. what exactly are they? and why do people like them so much? which leads to googling "purple toenails, desirability of"

2. I wonder if I could get purple toenails? can they be acquired? can purpleness of toenails be learned? how hard would that be? which leads to googling "toenail purponality in 3 easy steps" or maybe "coloured toenails for dummies".

3. Oh forget it, I'm too old/senile/set in my ways/slow/unable/or whatever to try to do that now. which leads to googling "how to live with unexciting toenails", "the plight of plain toenails forever", or, more optimistically, "my toenails are ok and so are yours" or what have you. or perhaps, "release your inner toenail *****".

which is how it usually goes for me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,567 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
That's close, but you keep interjecting a healthy motivation. Stop it ;)

It's more like;

1. Purple toenails, desirability of (sounds familiar)

2. Search result is mixed. Some pro purple toenails, some anti, some indifferent. I wisely focus on the results that worry me the most :afr

3. I narrow search to something like "coping with ugly toenails", believing that purple toenails are the end all/be all, that they can't be acquired or the time and energy needed to acquire them is cost ineffective at my age, and that it's all pretty hopeless.

4. One more search into the "hopelessness of ugly toenails".

Reading this an obvious place to interrupt and where I've interrupted in the past with a healthier approach would be where I believe that purple toenails are the end all/be all. That they're essential to being respected, thought attractive, loved, admired, or whatever. Who says? There are other qualities.............

But then I do something similar (steps 1-4) with the other qualities that might be focused on and fill this emptiness.

Avoiding this wouldn't make my toenails any more interesting but it would spare me the pain of ruminating about them. In all seriousness this compulsive searching for answers to how I can feel OK leads to me feeling anything but OK. Which leads to more questions and more searching until exhaustion sets in.

This picture disturbs me, greatly.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,634 Posts
luckily I am here and all over this. har har.

my envy and jealousy of others manifests itself in this same way. the only think I can think of to counter it is to work on accepting yourself as you are, right now.

the anger, for me, comes from feeling "left out" and unnoticed by society because I don't have these traits. the traits i do have, I feel, are undervalued. reflection, quietude, the ability to listen, to ask questions that draw others out - these seem to be not as important as those possessed by people who others talk about. So, if I am not entertaining, or self-possessed, confident, etc, then I hate it because I will have to fight the urge to compare myself to people who are those things, and the disparity between the life I lead and the life I am convinced they are enjoying.

the searching for answers to how to get those traits by googling and/or reading about them elsewhere? probably just that. just a guess.
Do you ever read a post and think..? "oh no someone out there has the same traits as I do...poor thing!"
Envy is defintely one of my deadly sins. Funnily enough I don't envy young people though..because they have those years ahead of them to "grow up" which I find very elusive still.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,567 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It's like poking a sore spot. People don't always act out of enlightened self-interest.
This enlightened self interest you speak of sounds interesting. Perhaps I'll do a google search and, um, no. Perhaps I'll learn that thoughts and impulses are products of my mind that I can do with as I please. Not gods, not masters.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top