Social Anxiety Support Forum banner
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
113 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, so this is one of my biggest problems: I've just noticed that anytime I start a conversation it's with a question. I ask the other person something about themselves, and I've become very good at getting someone to keep talking about themselves for long periods of time. The problem? They never learn anything about me. I learn a lot about them, and they start to feel comfortable around me, but I continue to feel nervous because I really don't open up to them. I've been noticing lately how often most people will start conversations with me, by telling a story, or just giving a statement about themselves, or something around them. This is something I'm really bad at. I don't really have any interesting stories to tell, and I'm having a lot of trouble thinking of general conversation starters. Any suggestions that would involve both me talking about my self, but also involving the other person?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
425 Posts
Ok, so this is one of my biggest problems: I've just noticed that anytime I start a conversation it's with a question. I ask the other person something about themselves, and I've become very good at getting someone to keep talking about themselves for long periods of time. The problem? They never learn anything about me. I learn a lot about them, and they start to feel comfortable around me, but I continue to feel nervous because I really don't open up to them. I've been noticing lately how often most people will start conversations with me, by telling a story, or just giving a statement about themselves, or something around them. This is something I'm really bad at. I don't really have any interesting stories to tell, and I'm having a lot of trouble thinking of general conversation starters. Any suggestions that would involve both me talking about my self, but also involving the other person?
That is what I experience. I go up to someone and ask them their name and then where their from and continue asking these introductory questions. The next day I see the person, they don't even look at me and say hi. Very rarely has there been someone who said hi to me first.
Its as if no one is interested in meeting me or getting to know me. I read alot of topics with people telling us that everyone is always as eager as we are to meet someone new, but my experience falsifies this claim.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
501 Posts
Let's see if I understood you well. In conversations, you don't reveal that much about yourself compared to the person you're talking to. It sounds like you tend to ask questions, listen but refrain from expressing your own thoughts about their views on topics.

I would suggest to take the risk of expressing your opinions or general thoughts on topics. Yes I know, "but that person may criticize me for it! It would be terrible if she did and I wouldn't cope with it!" But how do you know if that is true? How about you create a behavioral experiment to test it out? When in a conversation with your peers, express your honest opinion or thought on a topic (doesn't have to be about politics or religion...in fact, stay away from those topics!!!). Afterward, write down the facts and then write your new belief that you learn from that experiment. Then repeat!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
425 Posts
Let's see if I understood you well. In conversations, you don't reveal that much about yourself compared to the person you're talking to. It sounds like you tend to ask questions, listen but refrain from expressing your own thoughts about their views on topics.

I would suggest to take the risk of expressing your opinions or general thoughts on topics. Yes I know, "but that person may criticize me for it! It would be terrible if she did and I wouldn't cope with it!" But how do you know if that is true? How about you create a behavioral experiment to test it out? When in a conversation with your peers, express your honest opinion or thought on a topic (doesn't have to be about politics or religion...in fact, stay away from those topics!!!). Afterward, write down the facts and then write your new belief that you learn from that experiment. Then repeat!
From my experience, no one asks questions about me as if they dont want to make a new friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
290 Posts
It sounds to me like maybe these people sense you are trying too hard, and so there's no feeling of connection, so then they don't notice you or have interest in speaking to you when they see you next.

In relationships there's what's said, and also what's felt. Ideally for you to be successful you want to experience a feeling of connection, of relating with the other person. One way to do this is to talk about things you are interested in, that they are also involved in, shared interests. This creates a chance to form some connection.

If you're feeling you don't have experiences, you could try to connect with the person, by asking your questions about them, and then when they tell you an interesting experience they've had, you could admit, "I've never done that, that sounds so fun. I'm a bit less active and I regret that I miss out on enjoying some more exciting experiences. But I'm just more of a quiet, nonadventurous type I guess." Oh and how about: "I really enjoy hearing about your experiences, though. It's interesting." You need to share something about yourself, to make a connection.

The goal is to form some feeling of connection with the person, this creates a relationship.
 

·
SAS Member
Joined
·
31,298 Posts
Maybe try pausing and let them ask you a question or bring the topic back to yourself. When they are responding to your question look for things that you can relate to and mention them to the person. For example; If the person is talking about how they like apples, then you would respond with, "Oh, I especially love the green ones.", and then that person would pick up something from that, and so on.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top