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My therapist asked me yesterday if I would like to join a therapy group for people who suffers from SA. Unsure of what I actually have, my therapist explained that it should be able to help me to gain some reassurance for myself.

I do have several symptoms that may be close to SA. At the same time, I have this dependency on people whom I feel 'safe' with. For the past years, I have never been single. Perhaps because I have the urge to be just with somebody. My childhood left me the fear of being abandonned, and it has grown stronger since I have moved to France. The difference of culture, language and skin have worsen my symptoms of SA without knowing.

Being all by myself without family in this country, all I can rely on is my boyfriend. Which I have acknowledge that it has brought a pressure on him. Since I have became even more dependent on him. Every time he was away, I feel like I'm standing in front of a mirror and the reflection is gone. Totally abandonned.

I believe that it seems like a contradictory to have SA and being affection dependent. I am getting confused of what I have. Several doctors have diagnosed me to have different types of disorder. And have taken different types of medications for different diagnosis. But I'm willing to trust the therapist I'm seeing now. She seems to be very competent.

I have followed her advice today and try to do some activities on my own. I have decided to go to the cinema. I have arrived 15 minutes earlier which did not really help. Since I was planning that I would just arrive right on time for the screening and won't have to think of the people around me, starring at me. I had to wait outside the theatre before I could get in. The 15 minutes seemed to be ever-lasting. My adrenaline rising, my hands were shaking, I didn't know what to do. I could see people looking at me. In my head, they must have been saying 'Why is that girl going to watch a movie on her own?'. I've tried to calm down as I was afraid people may find me acting strange. I smoked a cigarette. Hoping time would go faster.

I could finally enter the hall. Sat down, starring at the blank screen, afraid of looking around.. All in my head was 'Just put on the movie already, so I would stop panicking.'

The experiment makes me realise that I would really need to work hard on trying to feel ok when I'm on my own, especially in public. I have stopped other medications except Atarax in case I have a nervous break-down. I am willing to go through this crucial time, and hopefully without other chemical assistance.
 

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Being dependant on someone's affection doesn't contradict SA at all, as far as my understanding goes. I know that I feel much more comfortable going out and doing things if I have a friend to 'hold my hand'. It makes me feel less self counscious than if I was alone.
 
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